


Everything's Changed

by TheWorldIsYou13



Series: Everything's Changed [1]
Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: Friendship/Love, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-08-16
Packaged: 2018-04-13 00:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 68,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4500762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWorldIsYou13/pseuds/TheWorldIsYou13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warnings: Deals, heavily, with brain tumours and possible major character death; references to Mark's past and some swearing. Tissues probably needed<br/>Set: Post-Progress Live, (late 2011-2013)<br/>Summary: Mark hasn’t been right for a while now and it’s not got anything to do with his past, in fact it’s something else entirely. And it’s going to affect the future of the band considerably. </p><p>Disclaimer: I own nothing and this is purely fiction. No harm or offence is meant by this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted on live journal under my old name markie40.  
> I must reiterate the fact that this is purely fiction and no offence is meant to anyone. I am extremely cautious of this considering the nature of this story.
> 
> Please enjoy x

Chapter One:

It had been months since their last tour had ended. Gary was now doing his thing on the X-Factor; Howard was doing DJ gigs whenever he could to keep himself busy; Jason was just relaxing at home in front of the TV and making up new routines whenever he felt he had the energy; Robbie was back in LA with his wife, just doing nothing every day. He was in the process of thinking about doing another solo album, but at the moment, he was happy with what he had just done and all he wanted to do for now was relax. And Mark was home with his family. Everything seemed perfect, but that was only to last a short amount of time.

The news that was about to hit them was going to turn their lives upside-down...

...

At first it had been barely noticeable. The boys would meet up once every couple of weeks and go down to the pub and have a drink – well, for Mark and Robbie (when he was in the UK), they would go down to the pub and have a glass of orange juice, but they didn’t seem to care about that. 

It was only after Gary’s second live episode of the X-Factor that the boys really started to notice something. They had begun to notice that Mark was becoming distant and that something was bothering him. He would be late for their get-togethers; he wouldn’t talk as much as he used to do and he wouldn’t reply to any emails he was sent. But the thing that they really noticed and that told them that there was something going on was the fact that they hadn’t seen Mark smile for a while. And by that, they meant smile normally. Mark smiled at every meet, but it never reached his eyes and the brightness had faded. 

It was really Jason who had started to notice the changes in Mark first. If Robbie had been around more then he probably would have noticed way before Jason did. And as soon as he told Gary and Howard, they too started to notice that Mark was distant. Howard rang up Robbie and told him that they thought that there was something wrong with Mark and Robbie was back in the UK in a flash. He had been back a couple of times before and had hung out with the boys when he could, but when he was around he hadn’t really seen Mark’s changes, but as he thought about it, he could see that the signs had been there since the tour had ended. He wasn’t drinking again was he?

On their next meeting – which was at Gary’s, Mark didn’t show. They had all tried to call him and they had all left him numerous texts and emails, but there wasn’t a reply to any of them. 

Robbie came up with the idea that they go to Mark’s and see if he was there. They needed to talk to him; they needed to find out what was wrong with him and if he was having problems at home. But when they got there, it wasn’t Mark who opened the door, it was Emma. She looked just as worried as the four of them did. 

“Emma, is Mark here?” Gary asked, but Emma just shook her head.

“No, isn’t he with you?” Emma asked them, the worry she felt was evident in her voice.

“No, he’s not, he didn’t turn up.” Jason said.

“I thought the meet was yesterday.” Emma said.

“No, it was today.”

“What? Mark told me that it was yesterday. I assumed he stayed over at yours Gary.”

“No, he didn’t.”

“Oh, God where is he?” Emma said running a hand through her hair. “Come on in.” Emma moved out of the doorway and let the four lads in the house. They all went into the living room and sat down on the sofa. Emma put her head in her hands and Jason put a hand on her back. 

“Are you OK?” He asked gently. Emma shook her head, but didn’t look up.

“Where is he?” She said quietly to herself.

“We’ll find him.” Howard said. 

“Why would he run off like this?” Emma asked to no-one in particular.

“Em, have you noticed a change in Mark recently?” Robbie asked. Emma looked at him.

“How do you mean?” She asked.

“Has he been distant, quiet, not himself?” Gary asked. Emma thought for a moment.

“Now that you mention it, he has been a little off. I didn’t really think anything of it. Mainly because I never really noticed at the time.” Emma told them. “Oh God, what if he’s drinking again?” 

“Emma, try not to worry too much. We’ll find him, promise. Have you tried phoning him?” Jason said. Emma shook her head and went to grab her phone from the table and quickly typed in Mark’s number before pressing the phone to her ear. 

The phone bleeped and went to answer phone: ‘Allo, this is Mark or Marky or Marko or daddy. Please leave a message after the beep and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can – if I remember to turn this thing on. Bye, bye! 

“He’s not answering.” Emma said. “What if something bad has happened? What if he’s hurt or...”

“Emma, calm down, he’ll be fine. He’s probably just round a friend’s house or something.” Gary said trying to reassure himself as much as he was trying to reassure Emma.

“But Gary, why would he lie to me and tell me he was going to yours?” 

Gary didn’t know how to respond to that and neither did the others. They all sat in silence for a while before Jason asked a question that had been playing on his mind since he had sat down on the sofa.  
“Emma, where are the kids?” He asked.

“They’re at Mark’s parents for the week.” She answered.

“OK,”

The four of them stayed with Emma until it began to get late. They said their goodbyes and told her that if they heard anything they would let her know straight away. Emma thanked them and waved as they left the house. She didn’t know if she would be able to sleep not knowing where Mark was. She was worried that he was hurt. If he was, she didn’t know what would happen. Why had he disappeared like he did? Emma thought that things were getting better, not worse. 

...

Robbie was in his hotel room, staring out of the window. He had just called Ayda and told her everything. She told him that if she heard anything she would let him know. Robbie hoped that Mark hadn’t gone to LA and that he was still in England. Robbie could tell he needed help, but at the moment, he didn’t know what he needed help with. He did have an idea though, but he couldn’t be certain if he was right or not. 

Maybe Mark hadn’t gone on his own accord. Maybe he had thought that the meet was today and he was heading towards Gary’s, but was then kidnapped or... something. Robbie shook the thought out of his head. That was even worse. He couldn’t think like that, but if that was the case it did mean Mark wasn’t dealing with past problems. But either way, he was still in trouble and needed help.

Robbie decided that sitting by the window and looking out of it was doing no good. He went back to his bed and lay down and stared at the ceiling. He should try and get some sleep; after all, he was no good to anyone when he was tired and if they were going to find Mark, then he needed to be awake. 

Just as he was about to fall asleep, there was a knock at the door. Robbie groaned and walked to the door, preparing himself to tell whoever was at the door to fuck off. He opened it and was about to yell at them when he saw Mark standing on the other side. Robbie looked down at the smaller man in shock and surprise. He looked awful, there were dark circles around his eyes, which he had tried to cover with his hat and his clothes were in a state. Mark was curled in and looked even smaller than he normally did. Robbie stared at him for a while. He had never seen Mark look this bad before. Not even on one of Mark’s darkest days did he look this awful.

“Mark?” Mark looked up at Robbie and tried to smile. Robbie could tell from Mark’s smile that he was slightly drunk, which worried him massively. “Have you been drinking?” He thought it best to get that question out the way first before he said anything else. 

“Who cares if I have?” Mark said harshly. Robbie tensed at Mark’s tone. Mark rarely ever spoke to anyone like that, least of all him. In fact Robbie can’t remember a time where Mark spoke like that.

“Mark, trust me you don’t want to end up back to where you were last year.” Robbie told him.

“I don’t fucking care anymore.” Mark said his voice rising slightly as he spoke. Robbie let him in his room and Mark walked in and sat on the bed before lying down. Robbie went over to him after he had shut the door and turned on the light. 

“Mark, where have you been?” Robbie asked.

“Who cares?”

“Me, Gary, Howard, Jason... Emma.” The way Robbie said Emma’s name made Mark feel guilty. He had promised her that he would become the man she knew; the man she loved. But at the moment, that was proving very hard. 

Robbie could tell Mark wasn’t going to say anything to that so he came up with another question. “Why are you here?” 

“Booked a room down the corridor.”

“Why?”

“I needed to get out. Get some air.” Mark replied.

“Why did you come to my room and did you know I was here?”

“Yeah, I knew you were here. That’s why I booked this hotel. And I came in here cos I felt lonely and I wanted someone to talk to.” Mark said.

“Why didn’t you just go home? Emma’s worried sick about you.” 

“Do you think that going home like this would do her any good?” Mark’s voice rose with anger again and Robbie sighed. “She wouldn’t understand! She doesn’t realise how much shit I’ve had to go through!”

“She’s your wife Mark! She understands!” Robbie argued with him.

“Not as much as you do.” Mark’s voice softened almost to a whisper and Robbie felt his heart break for him.

“The thing I don’t understand is why you’ve started drinking again.” Robbie said. “You said you would never touch drink again.”

“And I wasn’t going to. But then I got told...” Mark trailed off.

“Told what Mark?” Robbie put an arm around Mark’s shoulders and looked at him. Mark pulled away and didn’t look at Robbie. It took him a little while to speak and when he did, he was so quiet; Robbie could barely hear what he was being told.

“I haven’t been right in a while now and the other day I had an appointment at the hospital. They told me the news no-one wants to be told.” Mark said, tears started forming in his eyes and Mark wiped them away as quickly as he could. “They told me that I have a brain tumour.” Mark said eventually before breaking down completely and falling on Robbie. Robbie wrapped his arms around him and held on to him tightly. He couldn’t believe what he had just been told. He didn’t want to believe it, but it was hard not to when Mark was in his arms crying after telling him that he had a tumour. 

Robbie didn’t know what else to do and so held him until his tears subsided for a little bit and his sobs softened.

“It’ll be OK Mark; we’ll be here for you.” Robbie rested his head on Mark’s and felt his own tears form in his eyes.

“Will it?” Mark felt the tears return, but did nothing about them and let them fall. Robbie felt like he was holding a small, terrified child in his arms and in many ways he was. Mark’s inner child, which he had let out on several occasions in the past, had been let out once more and this time, he was terrified.


	2. TWO

**Chapter Two:**

Robbie awoke the next morning with Mark still held tightly in his arms. For a moment things seemed normal, though weird considering he had been cuddling Mark all night; but the memories of last night came flooding back to him like tidal wave and Robbie looked down at the little man he had his arms wrapped around. Maybe they could pretend last night didn’t happen – maybe it didn’t happen and it had all been a dream – all of it – and they were still on tour and Mark had just decided to come into his room for the night. But it was no use, no matter how hard Robbie tired to block out what Mark had told him last night, there was no denying that it was true. He remembered every word that had passed between them last night and even worse, he remembered the state Mark had been in.

There was a sniff from Mark and Robbie moved the hair that had fallen over Mark’s eyes away. Mark slowly opened his eyes and looked at Robbie. He didn’t really look any better at all; in fact, it was probably safe to say that he looked worse. Robbie felt his heart break, after everything Mark had just been through, this had to happen. It could have happened to anyone of them, but no, it had to happen to Mark, who had just managed to sort his life out. Sometimes, life was far from fair.

“Is this karma?” Mark asked very quietly. Robbie was shocked by the way he sounded. If he had said anything longer, Robbie could have sworn Mark’s voice would break.

“I don’t know Mark,” Robbie answered with honesty. He knew that was what Mark wanted right now. He knew he couldn’t take lies at the moment. “Life can be hard sometimes.” He told him. Mark breathed a tearful laugh.

“Have you been around Jay a lot?”

“Mark I’m serious.”

“I know,”

“You should really go home. Or at least tell Emma you’re here. And the lads need to know too, they’re just as worried.”

“I wanna stay here with you. I’m not ready to go back yet.”

“Just tell them where you are. Or at least tell them you’re OK.” Robbie told him. Mark sat up quickly and looked at him. There was something in his eyes that, to Robbie, wasn’t far off anger.

“OK?! I’m not OK! I haven’t been OK in ages!” He shouted at him. Robbie sat up to and looked at Mark straight in the eye.

“Mark, they need to know!” Robbie almost yelled at him, but didn’t as he knew it wouldn’t do any good.

“I don’t want them to know! The more people that know the more real this becomes!” Mark said. Robbie could see he was about to break down again and so pulled Mark into a tight hug and held him as he cried.

“The more people that know, Mark, the more support you will get. There’s no way you can do this on your own.” Robbie told him. Mark didn’t answer and just continued to sob with his head buried in Robbie’s chest. He was right though, he couldn’t do this alone. He needed all the support he could get. But the thing was, he was scared. He was absolutely terrified. He wanted to run away; to hide himself from everything and wait until it passed. However, he knew that would do no good. He couldn’t run and hide and he knew that this was not something that would just go away. No matter how much he wished he would.

“I’m scared Rob.” Mark said looking down.

Robbie tightened his grip on Mark and rested his head on Mark’s. “I know Marky, I know.” Robbie whispered. He felt Mark start to shake with sobs and so gently rocked him, trying to calm him down. “Mark, we need to get you home.” Robbie said.

“No, please, not yet. I told you I’m not ready.” Mark told him. He pulled away and Robbie could see fear in the older man’s eyes; he didn’t think he had ever seen fear like it before in his life.

“OK,” Robbie said, though he knew that he should probably help Mark get support. “Tell you what, why don’t you go and have a shower and freshen up. It’ll make you feel a bit better and clear your head. Go on.” Robbie told him. Mark gave a small smile and did as Robbie said.

Robbie watched him go and sighed. He then grabbed his phone from the bedside table and proceeded to type in Gary’s number. He knew that Mark would kill him for this, but at the end of the day, it was what Mark needed. He needed his friends and family around him. Now more than ever. One day, Mark would thank Robbie for this.

 _“Rob, what is it? Have you heard anything from Mark?”_ Gary asked as soon as the phone clicked. He was just as desperate to know what was going on with Mark as he was before Mark had turned up at his hotel room last night.

“Yes,” Robbie said.

_“What?! Why didn’t you say anything before? Where is he?”_

“He’s here at the hotel. He came to my room last night.” Robbie told Gary.

_“Why didn’t you call then? Emma’s going spare.”_

“Gary, you should have seen him last night. There was no way I could have called while he was in the state he was in.”

 _“Robbie, what state was Mark in?”_ Gary’s voice was serious with a hint of worry. Robbie felt bad about telling Gary this after Mark had just said that he wasn’t ready to face anyone else yet.

“He was slightly drunk.” Robbie said.

 _“What? Why would he go back there again?”_ Gary’s voice rose with shock.

“He has his reasons and believe me, drinking is the last of his worries at the moment.” Robbie said. He didn’t want to tell Gary what was going on behind Mark’s back. It wasn’t fair on him.

_“Robbie, what’s going on?”_

“I can’t tell you.”

_“I’m coming over. With the boys. What shall I tell Emma?”_

“Don’t tell her anything, not yet.” Robbie said, he had betrayed Mark enough already. He wasn’t going to betray him again – not unless it was really necessary.

_“Robbie, she’s beside herself with worry!”_

“I know, but truth be told, Mark doesn’t want anyone here. But I think it’ll be best if he has more people around him.” Robbie said. “But now, I feel bad for doing this to him.”

_“You did what you thought was right. I would have done exactly the same thing.”_

“He’ll kill me if he finds out.”

_“Look, don’t worry about it. You just want the best for him. Isn’t that what any friend wants?”_

“OK, thank Gaz.”

_“Don’t worry. Anyway, I’ll ring the boys up and we’re coming straight to the hotel. What room you in?”_

“301,” Robbie told him.

_“All right. See you soon.”_

Gary rung off and Robbie put his phone down and sighed. Even though Gary had told him that what he had done was right, he still felt like he had done a bad thing. He had betrayed one of his best friends and that didn’t sit right within him. Part of him was asking him why he had just done what he had done, but the other part of him told him that he had done the right thing and it didn’t matter if Mark was annoyed with him for a while because doing what he had just done would help Mark in the long run.

Robbie sat on the bed and after a short while Mark returned from the bathroom looking slightly better. His hair was still damp from his shower, but he looked a little more like himself now than he did when he arrived. Robbie smiled at him, but Mark didn’t make an attempt to smile back. Instead he just walked up to Robbie and sat down on the bed next to him.

“Feeling better?”

Mark didn’t say anything and just rested his head on Robbie’s shoulder. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He felt like he wanted to cry, but managed to stop himself. He then felt Robbie wrap an arm around him and pull him nearer. Mark looked up at Robbie and Robbie smiled sympathetically down at Mark.

The two of them stayed like that, in silence, until there was a knock at the door.

“Rob? You in there?” Gary’s voice came from the other side of the door. Mark moved out of Robbie’s grip and looked at him with wide eyes.

“Did you tell them?” Mark said, his eyes narrowing slightly and a touch of anger edged his voice.

“Mark...”

“You told them?!” Mark shouted. “After I told you not to! Why would you do that?! Why?!” Mark stood up and Robbie stayed where he was. He looked down at his feet. He felt terrible knowing that what he did was against what Mark wanted.

“I just wanted to help.” Robbie said. He didn’t raise his voice at Mark, but he didn’t quieten it either.

“No,” Mark said. “No you just don’t understand what I want. It’s all about what Robbie Williams wants! It’s never about anyone else.” Mark yelled at him.

That hurt Robbie more than anything else that had been said about him over the years. The reason it cut so deep was because it was Mark who had said it. After all the shit that he had been through in the past, Mark had always been there for him and never had a bad word to say when everyone else did. So now that Mark had said that, Robbie felt more hurt than he had ever had before.

“Mark, I...”

“Forget it!” Mark run off back into the bathroom and locked the door. He would have gone out, but considering that the others where there – well Gary was at least – he couldn’t make an escape without being caught.

Robbie sat on the bed for a few seconds and just stared at the bathroom door. He hated what he had done and wished he could change it, but he knew he couldn’t.

When those few seconds were up, Robbie walked slowly to the door and opened it, revealing the worried looks of Gary, Howard and Jason on the other side of the door.

“Rob are you OK?” Howard asked. Robbie just nodded.

“Is Mark in there?” Gary asked.

“He locked himself in the bathroom.” Robbie told them. He then moved out of the way of the door so the others could enter the room. Once inside, they all sat on the bed and looked at Robbie.

“Is Mark OK?” Jason asked.

“No,”

“What’s wrong with him?” Howard asked.

“I can’t tell you. He already hates me enough; I don’t want him to hate me even more.” Robbie said sitting next to Jason on the end of the bed.

“He doesn’t hate you Rob.” Gary told him.

“Doesn’t he? I don’t know if you heard what he said.”

“Yeah we did. I’ll be surprised if the whole hotel didn’t hear what he said.” Howard said with a small smile in attempt to lighten the mood, but the attempt was futile.

“He’s just angry. Give him some time and he’ll be fine.” Jason told him putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Time may be the one thing he might not have a lot of.” Robbie mumbled just so the others couldn’t hear.

...

Inside the bathroom, Mark could hear what was being said from outside. He lay on the stone tiled floor, curled up crying. He was still annoyed at Robbie for betraying him, but he hadn’t meant what he had said. After all, Robbie had meant no harm and was only doing what he thought was right. Mark understood that and knew that he should never have said that about Robbie. He knew he would have to apologise; he knew that he couldn’t afford to stay made at Robbie for long. After all, he didn’t know how much time he had left. So he couldn’t afford to lose anyone now. However, he couldn’t bring himself to apologise just yet.

Mark curled up tighter and continued to weep. The floor was making him feel cold, but he didn’t give a damn. His body was tired from constantly sobbing, but again, he didn’t care. Right now, he couldn’t bring himself to care about many things.

...

“Rob, Gary said when Mark turned up here last night he was drunk.” Howard said. Robbie nodded.

“Yeah, he was. But drink’s not the problem. Not right now anyway. Obviously we need to stop him doing it again before it does become a problem. But right now, that’s not why I’m worried about him.” Robbie said.

“God, I’m not sure I want to know what’s wrong with him now. But at the same time I want to be able to help him.” Jason said. “How long has he been drinking for?”

“Not long.”

“Why did he come here? Was it because he knew you were here?” Gary asked.

“Sort of. He needed to get out and he knew I was here so he booked a room at this hotel and then came into me last night.” Robbie said.

“What are we going to do guys?” Howard asked.

“Why don’t we try and get Mark to come out of the bathroom first?” Jason suggested. The other three nodded and moved themselves from the bed to the bathroom door.

Gary knocked gently and heard a sniff from within.

“Go away!” Came Mark’s tearful reply.

“Mark, come on mate. Come out, we’re here to help you.” Gary said.

“I don’t need help!”

“Yes, you do.”

“No I don’t! Now go away and leave me alone.” Mark’s voice rose again to a level they were all pretty uncomfortable with.

“No Mark, not until you at least tell us what’s going on.” Howard said to him.

“Why don’t Robbie tell you? He’s told you enough already!” Mark said bitterly. Robbie felt like a knife had stabbed him in the heart.

“Mark don’t speak about Rob like that. He’s only trying to help you!” Jason replied.

“What, by betraying me?!” Mark yelled.

“He’s being a mate.”

“Mark, please just talk to us. You can’t stay in there forever.” Gary said.

“I’m not coming out.”

“Guys, let me try. I’m the one who caused this, so I should be the one who fixes it.” Robbie said just before Howard was about to say something. The three of them looked at him and nodded. They moved out of the way and let Robbie stand right in front of the door. “Mark, please come out. I’m sorry, I really am.” Robbie told him.

“Just go away.”

“Mark, I never meant to hurt you in anyway. I just want to help you.” Robbie said. He rested the palm of his hand on the door. “I know what you’re going through right now is hard. And I know you’re scared – you told me. But Mark, like I said before, the more support you have the more likely you are to come out on top. Well, that’s what I like to believe.” Robbie told him. “So please come out.”

There was a silence for a while before there was the sound of the bathroom door unlocking. Robbie took a step back and the four of them waited as Mark slowly opened the door. His face was tear-stained and he looked tired. Robbie reached out to him to give him a hug, but Mark moved away and didn’t look at him.

“God Mark, what’s wrong?” Gary asked his friend. The younger man looked down but didn’t say anything. “Mark, please talk to us. We can’t help you if you don’t tell us what’s wrong.”

“I don’t want help right now.” Mark said quietly. He made his way towards the bed at the other end of the room, took of his jacket and lay down. He lay on his side facing away from the others and closed his eyes. It wasn’t long before the others realised he had gone to sleep.

Robbie made his way to the bed and sat down on the edge of the bed next to where Mark was lying. He gently moved the hair out of Mark’s eyes and looked closely at his face. In some ways he looked older than his 39 years. Normally Mark looked a few years younger than his actually age, but Robbie wouldn’t be surprised that if, right now, he passed for someone in their mid-forties.

Gary came up to the bed as well and sat down next to Robbie.

“We need to get him back home. He can’t stay here, not in the state he’s in.” Gary said gently.

“I know, but how do we get him there? There’s no way he’s going to let us take him back home.” Robbie stated.

“We’ll have to take him out while he’s sleeping then.” Howard said. “It’s the only way we’re going to get him out and if that works then we’re just going to have to wait until Mark’s ready.”

“Maybe we should just do that anyway. It’s obvious that Mark’s not ready to go home.” Jason told the group, though knowing his track record; he would land up being talked around again.

“We could, but I really think Mark should be at home. To be honest, I don’t know what to do now.” Robbie said stroking Mark’s hair as he slept.

“Maybe we should ring up Emma and tell her to come here.” Howard suggested. Robbie shook his head.

“Why not? It seems a better idea than dragging him out of this bloody hotel against his will.” Jason argued.

“He’s got a point mate.” Gary said to Robbie.

“All right, we’ll keep him here for a while. But if he’s not ready to leave by mid-afternoon then we’ve gotta do something.” Robbie said.

“Deal.” Howard nodded smiling at Robbie.

“Tell you what, for now, why I don’t I go and grab Mark’s stuff from his room, bring it in here, just in case he wants to go home soon.” Jason suggested.

“All right, you do that.” Gary said. “D’you know the number Rob?”

“No, but it’s probably on his key, which I’m guessing is in his jacket pocket.” He told them looking at Mark’s jacket which was at the end of the bed. Howard picked it up and put his hand into the pocket, drawing out a small silver key. He looked at the number on the label attached to it and handed it to Jason.

“Room 296.” Howard said as he passed the key to Jason.

“Thanks, I’ll be back in a minute.” Jason said as he walked out of Robbie’s room and down the corridor towards Mark’s.

While Jason was out, the other four waiting in silence looking at Mark with worry as he continued to sleep.

...

Jason unlocked the door to Mark’s hotel room and stepped in. What he noticed first was that it was tidy. That wasn’t to say that Mark was a messy person, far from it in fact, but the fact was, it was _too_ tidy. There wasn’t anything to suggest that Mark had come with anything when he left his house the other day. It puzzled Jason to why he wouldn’t have taken anything with him. But then again, maybe Mark just hadn’t had time to unpack yet.

He made his way into the bedroom area of the room and finally noticed something that suggested Mark had been in here. By the bed was a small rucksack, it wasn’t typically Mark, who normally brought a rather large suitcase with him whenever they stayed away from home, even if it was only for one night. The fact that there was only a rucksack made Jason worry about his friend that little bit more.

Jason bent down and picked up the rucksack. He knew he shouldn’t really be going through Mark’s things, but considering there was clearly something very wrong with him, he didn’t see any harm in looking in his bag to see if he could find anything that might help them to understand what was wrong with Mark.

There wasn’t much in there it had to be said. There was his wallet, a leaflet and two pictures. It was the pictures that caught Jason’s eye first. One was of the five of them just after the tour had finished a few months ago and the other was of his wife and children. He had never seen Mark as the type of guy who carried around pictures in his bag. He knew Mark had a picture of Emma and the kids in his wallet, but then that was normal. Jason had never seen anyone carry around to photographs like this in their bag unless there was something very wrong.

It was then that he noticed the leaflets. He put the pictures down on the bed and slowly picked the leaflet up. His heart sped up to an alarming rate as he read the front page. There was no way that this had got anything to do with Mark. There was just no way. It couldn’t be true.

Jason felt his breathing pick up as he read the front page of the leaflet over and over again. He wanted to believe so badly that his eyes were playing tricks on him, but the more he read, the more real those words on the page became. The page read: _Information and Support on Brain Tumours_

Jason grabbed everything of Mark’s and ran back to Robbie’s room. As soon as he got there, he banged on the door and Howard opened it. Howard saw the fear in Jason’s eyes as he looked at him, realising that what he going to say was not good.

“I know what’s wrong with Mark.”


	3. THREE

**Chapter Three:**

“What?!” Gary and Howard said at exactly the same time as Jason told them what he had found out. Both of them were shocked beyond words.

“No,” Gary said with disbelief. “No, Jay, surely there’s some kind of mistake here.” Gary didn’t want to believe what he had just been told. Jason shook his head.

“There is no mistake. I found this in his bag.” Jason passed the leaflet to Howard who took it and stared at the words on the page. He, too, wanted to believe that there was some sort of mistake, or that Jason was joking. But one, Jason would never joke about this sort of thing and two, as he read the words on the page, the more he realised that there was no mistake.

Gary read the leaflet too and like Howard, realised that there was no mistake and that this was really what was wrong with Mark.

“Why?” Howard said quietly. “Why Mark?”

“Mark asked if it was karma.” Robbie said quietly from his position on the bed next to Mark. He looked down at the small man fast asleep and gently stroked his hair.

“Because of what happened?” Howard asked. Robbie nodded.

“What did you tell him?” Jason asked.

“I told him that I didn’t know and that life can be hard sometimes.” Robbie told them. “I didn’t know what else to say.” The others nodded; they would have done the same had they been in Robbie’s position last night and this morning.

“What are we going to do?” Gary asked.

“Help him. That’s all we can do.” Jason said looking at Mark on the bed as Robbie continued to stroke his hair.

“Why didn’t he just tell us?” Howard asked, sitting on the bed next to Robbie. Robbie looked from Mark to Howard and back again.

“He said that the more people who knew, the more real this would become. He’s doesn’t want to believe it either and I think he’s finding it hard to accept that this is really happening.” Robbie said not taking his eyes off Mark as he continued to stroke Mark’s hair.

Gary came over and sat next to Robbie on the bed again, looking at Mark.

“I can’t begin to imagine what this must be doing to him.” Gary said keeping his eyes on Mark.

“He’ll be all right eventually though. Mark’s strong, he’ll pull through.” Howard said trying to reassure everyone in the room.

“Somehow, I don’t think Mark’s as strong as we think.” Gary said.

“But he will be OK, won’t he?” There was desperation in Robbie’s voice that made Gary want to say, for definite, that Mark would be OK. But that was there any use in lying to yourself when you really didn’t have a clue what was going to happen?

“I don’t know Rob, I hope so.” Gary said.

Mark stirred in his sleep and rolled over so that he was facing away from everyone. Robbie, who had continued to stroke Mark’s hair as he slept, moved his hand from his head and just sat there next to him. All he really wanted to do was give Mark a hug and tell him that everything was going to be all right. He needed to reassure himself as well as Mark.

A silence came over them, but it wasn’t awkward. All four of them were lost in their own thoughts. None of them wanted nor needed to say anything. It was just one of those moments where silence was appreciated and possibly needed at the same time. No-one really knew what to say about the whole situation. It wasn’t one they were used to by a long shot.

“I wanna go home.” Mark’s voice broke the silence and the four of them came out of their individual thoughts in an instant.

Mark sniffed and hugged the pillow next to him. Robbie got off the bed and went round the other side where Mark was facing. He knelt down beside the bed and brushed Mark’s hair out of his eyes. Mark sniffed again and looked straight at Robbie.

“You wanna go home?” Robbie asked him, Mark just nodded. “All right then, we’ll take you home. Come on.” Robbie stood up as Mark slowly sat up on the bed.

“Did one of you bring a car?” Robbie asked the others. Gary nodded.

“Yeah, I brought mine. It’s literally outside the hotel so we don’t have to walk far. The good thing is, there isn’t any press outside. Well, there wasn’t when we got here.” Gary told him.

“Let’s just hope that there isn’t any press outside now. If they get one photo of Mark, there’s gonna be some seriously dodgy stories in the paper tomorrow.” Howard said.

Mark got off the bed and grabbed his jacket and put it on. Jason then passed Mark his bag and Mark took it with a confused look on his face.

“I went into your room to grab your stuff earlier.” Jason told him.

“Did you look inside?” Mark asked with fear in his eyes and in his voice. Jason nodded slowly. Mark backed up. “Why?”

“I thought that there might be something in there that might tell us what is wrong with you. That’s when I found the leaflet. Mark, why didn’t you just tell us?” Jason asked him. Mark looked down.

“I don’t want people to know. I told Robbie that the more people that knew the more real this became and I don’t want this to be real. I don’t want to be faced with the fact that I might not have long left to live. I just want things to go back to how they were.” Mark said. Jason pulled him into a hug and held him until Mark pulled away.

“It’ll be all right in the end. This is just one of those hard moments in life. You pulled through OK last time. I’m sure you can do it this time.” Jason told him.

“Last time was different though. I wasn’t dying.” Mark said.

“No, but things worked out didn’t they?” Mark nodded. “And that’s what’s gonna happen this time. You’ll get treatment and you’ll get better. Within the next year or so, you’ll be back to the old you that we all know and love and we can put this all behind us.” Jason put and hand on Mark’s shoulder and squeezed it gently. “Now come on, let’s get you back home. Emma’s worried sick.”

The five of them left the hotel. They gave both sets of keys back in before walking out. Mark tried to cover as much of his face as he could with his hat, but also tried to make it look natural. But thankfully there was no press outside, which was a Godsend. However, the five of them didn’t hang back. They pretty much ran towards Gary’s car as if they were being chased by press or fans. Gary got in the driver’s seat with Jason in the front passenger seat. Howard and Robbie were at the back with Mark in the middle of them both.

No-one said anything the whole way back to Mark and Emma’s. Mark had his head down, not wanting to make eye contact with any of them and everyone else would occasionally glace at Mark to see if he was OK.

Gary pulled in the drive and got out of the car at the same time as Jason and Howard. Mark was reluctant to get out of the car as he feared the reaction he would get from Emma when she opened the door. Robbie didn’t get out either, but that was really just for Mark’s benefit.

“Will Emma be angry at me for running off?” Mark asked quietly.

“I don’t think so Mark. She’s worried about you, not angry with you. I think once you tell her what’s going on she’ll understand why.” Robbie told him.

“I don’t want to tell her. She’s had enough to deal with concerning me; I don’t want her to have to deal with this as well.”

“Mark, listen, she needs to know. There is no way that you will be able to keep this from her.” Robbie told him. “Now come on, either you come to the door with us or we’ll get Emma out here. Your choice.”

Mark sighed and got out of the car with Robbie. Robbie smiled at him, but Mark didn’t make any attempt to smile back. Robbie could tell that he still wasn’t happy with him after he told the rest of the lads where he was. He just hoped that Mark wouldn’t be annoyed with him for too long.

The lads pushed Mark to the front so he could knock on the door. Mark tried to get out of it, but failed to do so. He raised his hand to the door and was about to knock but instead stayed still. He felt sick with fear. He didn’t want to do this, but he knew that the longer he left it, the more worried Emma would become and the more likely she would be to be angry with him. The sooner he got this over with, the better.

Mark took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Somewhere at the back of his mind hoped that Emma was out and that no-one was in to open the door. But that thought only lasted a second as he heard the sound of footsteps running towards the door. The door then swung open and a worried looking Emma stood at the door.

“Hi Em,” Mark said quietly not looking her in the eye.

Emma looked down at Mark standing at the door before bringing him into a tight hug.

“Mark, where the hell have you been? I’ve been worried sick about you.” She said not letting him go. Mark wrapped his arms around her and rested his head on her shoulder.

“I went to the hotel Rob was staying at.” Mark said.

“Why?”

“I needed to get some air.” Mark told her.

“God Mark, I was so worried about you.” Emma then noticed the other four lads standing by the door. “Thanks for finding him.” She told them.

“No worries.” Robbie said. “Look, I think we better go inside. Mark needs to tell you something.” He told her. Emma looked from Robbie to Mark and back again with a worried look. Mark still clung to her like a lifeline. Emma then nodded and managed to get Mark off her before letting the rest of them in and leading them all into the living room.

The six of them sat in the living room together. Gary, Howard and Jason had taken up one of the sofas which was opposite to the one that Emma, Mark and Robbie had taken up. Mark sat right near the end of the sofa facing away from everyone else. Emma was next to him with her arm on his shoulder trying to get him to turn around. Robbie sat at the other end looking at the two of them.

“Mark, what’s happened?” Emma asked. Mark didn’t say anything and just continued to stare away from everyone else. “Mark, please talk to me.” Mark slowly turned around, but still didn’t look at anyone. Instead he looked down at the floor, finding that his boots and the carpet were suddenly quite interesting. “Why did you need to get air?” Mark shifted, suddenly uncomfortable, but still didn’t say anything. Emma didn’t know what else to ask. It was apparent that Mark wasn’t going to talk easily.

“Mark, you need to explain what’s going on.” Gary told him. Mark looked up at him for a second before he looked back down again.

“I can’t.” He said eventually.

“Mark, please just tell me. I can tell that you need help. You have that ‘please help me’ look in your eyes, but I can’t do anything unless you tell me what’s going on. Have you been drinking?” Emma asked. Mark stiffened uncomfortably.

“I was yesterday, before I went into Robbie’s room. But I swear to you, it was a one-off. I...” Mark trailed off and put his head in his hands.

“Why Mark? That’s all I want to know right now. How much you had, doesn’t really matter at this moment. I just want to know why you did it.”

“I... I knew that there was something wrong with me as soon as we finished the tour and so the other day I booked an appointment at the hospital to see if they could find anything.” Mark started. He stopped to compose himself.

“What did they find?” Emma asked gently, fearing where Mark was going with this.

“They found a tumour.” Mark said quietly. Emma’s eyes widened in shock.

“A brain tumour?” Mark nodded. “Is it cancerous?” Mark nodded again with his eyes closed. Emma put her hands to her mouth in shock before engulfing Mark into a tight hug and Mark clung to her as if letting go would mean he would die. “Mark, why didn’t you tell me that you weren’t feeling right?” Emma asked. She could feel tears form in her eyes, but she wasn’t going to let them fall.

“Because I was – am scared.” Mark told her.

“Oh God,” there wasn’t much else Emma could really say. She was shocked beyond words. After everything, this was the last thing she had expected to happen to them – to Mark. It wasn’t fair.

“I start treatment on Monday.” Mark said.

“Good. The sooner you get treatment the sooner you’ll get better.” Emma told him.

“What if it doesn’t work?” Mark asked.

“Don’t talk like that.” Emma said letting go of Mark.

“Em, we have to be realistic there is a chance that I won’t get better. What happens then?” Mark asked.

“I don’t know Mark, but please, stay positive.” Emma told him firmly.

“How can I? They said it was growing fast.” Mark could feel hot tears forming in his eyes. He tried not to let them fall, but one did. He wiped it away as fast as he could.

“How fast?” Gary asked. Mark looked at Gary having forgotten that the other four were there. He put his head down, but still felt everyone’s eyes on him as if they were going to burn a hole right through his head.

“Very. If I don’t start treatment soon, then they won’t be able to do anything. However, they also said that the tumour had been there a while and that treatment may not do anything other than give me a few extra months or years or whatever. At the moment it seems unlikely that it’ll ever go away.” Mark told them.

“If you decide not to have the treatment on Monday and then not at all, how long would you have?” Robbie asked carefully.

“About a year.” Mark answered. “And that’s if I’m lucky.”

The six of them fell into silence, all caught up in their own thoughts. Robbie would occasionally look over at Mark who was staring out of the window in the next room that over looked the back garden. The sun was out and it looked like any other normal sunny day. But inside the house, it was anything but.

Mark stood up and began to head towards the back door. Emma looked up at him as he went.

“Where’re you off to?” She asked. Mark turned to face her.

“I’m just going outside for some fresh air. Might as well enjoy every day that I have left.” Mark said.

“Mark, you will get better. You just have to stay optimistic.” She told him. Mark shook his head.

“That’s easier said than done. I’ll do treatment and that, but at the moment, I don’t hold much hope for them working.”

“Things will get better, just you wait.” Emma told him.

“Maybe.” Emma watched as Mark walked out to the back garden. The rest of the guys watched too. Mark was normally someone who always tried to look on the bright side of things, so the way he didn’t hold much – if any – hope shocked them and in some ways even frightened them. It was almost like the tumour had taken Mark and replaced him with a life-size copy. They just hope that when the tumour was gone – if it ever went that was – then Mark would be back to normal. Surely this couldn’t scar him forever.

...

Mark walked on the grass in the back garden out of view from everyone else. The garden was pretty big and Mark liked to come out here every now and again in order to get some air. His studio was down here too, so when Emma got sick of him writing for hours on end, he could come down here and continue.

Mark lay down on the grass in the sun and looked up to the sky. It was relatively warm for an October afternoon and the sun was shining brightly. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and Mark could see birds flying past. They looked like they didn’t have a care in the world and didn’t realise that some of the people below them were going through difficult times.

For a few seconds, Mark wondered what it would be like to be a bird. To just be able to fly wherever and whenever you wanted. Being a bird seemed like being free to Mark in those few moments, but really any life has its complications and things that you worried about.

While he lay there Mark began to think about the past. He remembered the fun he had had as a lad back in Oldham playing football with his mates and being a carefree teenager. He remembered the fun he had had with the lads during the first time with the band; having a laugh and making good music that people wanted to listen to. He remembered being happy as a solo artist, despite the knockbacks that came with it. He remembered getting back with the lads and having even more fun the second time around than he did during the first. He remembered getting married to Emma a few years ago and Robbie coming back in the band. He remembered all the good things that had happened in his life and for a while he forgot all the shit that had happened over the years. He felt at peace and soon felt his eyelids droop as he began to nod off.

...

“Maybe I should go and see how Mark is. He’s been out there for a while now and I’m worried about him.” Robbie said.

“All right. I’m sure he’s fine though, Rob.” Jason said. “He just needed to get some air.”

“I know, but I’m still worried.” Robbie told him as he stood up.

“We all are.” Howard said.

“I’ll be back soon.” Robbie walked out of the living room and out into the back garden.

Robbie walked down to the bottom of the garden. He knew Mark would have gone somewhere where he couldn’t be seen from inside the house. Robbie wondered for a moment whether Mark might be in the studio writing until he saw Mark lying on the grass with his eyes closed.

Robbie smiled as he made his way over to him. There was a small smile on Mark’s face as he slept which told Robbie he was dreaming about something pleasant. Robbie then lay down next to Mark and looked at him.

Mark opened his eyes and looked at Robbie in confusion. Robbie just smiled at him and looked up at the sky.

“Beautiful day, isn’t it?” Robbie said hoping to start some sort of conversation.

“Yeah, I guess it is.” Mark replied. Robbie looked over at Mark who was still looking up at the sky.

“Mark, I’m sorry for calling Gary earlier. I knew you didn’t want me to, but I thought it was the best thing to do. I didn’t do it for my benefit, I just want you to get better and have support.” Robbie apologised. Mark looked at him.

“I know. And I’m sorry about what I said. I know you only want to help;” Mark said as he looked back up at the sky and went quiet again.

“Are you all right?” Robbie asked gently. Mark just continued to stare at the sky.

“No, not really.” Mark answered. “I’m scared.”

“I know; so are we.”

Mark looked at Robbie. “You are?”

“Of course we are! You’re our friend, how can we not be scared?” Mark didn’t say anything and looked back up at the sky. “Mark, listen, we are just as scared as you are. We don’t want to lose you. You’re a big part of our lives Mark. Without you, none of us would be the same. Especially not me.” Robbie told him. “You helped me a lot, Mark. Through those dark times, you were the one who told me that it would get better. And it did and so this is me telling you that it will get better.”

“You said that last time.”

“And it did get better didn’t it?” Mark stayed quiet. “Mark, you had this conversation with Jason in the hotel earlier. You remember what he said, don’t you?” Mark just looked at him. “He told you that this is just one of those hard times in life. And it is, and you will get better.” Robbie told him.

“Will you be there for me?” Mark asked.

“Of course I will. I’m not going to let you do this on your own. None of us are.” Robbie wrapped an arm around Mark’s shoulders and pulled him in closer. Mark rested his head on Robbie’s shoulder and Robbie gently rubbed Mark’s arm.

“Thank you.” Mark said quietly.

“What for?”

“For just... for just being you.” Mark said as he closed his eyes again and fell back to sleep. Robbie looked down at his friend and smiled. He could see a small smile on Mark’s lips as he slept, he knew that Mark’s smiles were going to be rare now and so he was going to save everyone he saw until things got better. And they would get better. Robbie was sure of it. He just needed to find a way to convince Mark.


	4. FOUR

**Chapter Four:**

Mark lay in his bed half asleep with a bowl beside his bed. It had been a few weeks since Mark’s first dose of Chemotherapy and he now felt very ill. For the first couple of days the doctor’s had kept him in hospital before telling him that he could go home so he could rest. Symptoms had started after a few hours and hadn’t really gone away. The doctor’s had told him to expect this to happen to him when he went in, but he hadn’t expected to feel this bad. He had been continuously throwing up and now his stomach hurt whenever he gagged. He was also tired as well, but to be honest that had been an ongoing thing right from the start. The worst thing was that he felt too weak to even get up. He wanted to spend time with his family, but he was just feeling too weak to do so.

Throughout the week, the lads had been round to see how he was coping. Gary had told him that when he had told Dawn, she went into shock and just didn’t believe what Gary had told her. It was the same with Robbie when he had told Ayda.

Out of all four of them, Robbie had been back most. He had told him that he was still staying in the hotel that he had been in the week before and Mark felt bad about the fact that he was still here because of him, when really he should be back in LA with Ayda. He had told Robbie this, but Robbie had told him that Ayda was planning to come over and that he wasn’t going to go back to LA until he knew that Mark was going to be all right. Of course, that only added to Mark’s guilt.

The hardest thing of all though, had been telling the kids. He and Emma hadn’t told them straight away. They had left it a couple of days, partly because they had just come back from a happy holiday of sorts with their Grandparents. But mainly, Mark just didn’t want to tell them. He didn’t want them to know that he was very sick and could die. He wanted to be able to see his children grow up; he didn’t want them to have to be without him. They were his life.

When they did finally tell them though, it had been harder than expected. Emma didn’t want to just say that Mark could die in a blunt way. She wanted to use as many euphemisms as she could that she knew the kids would understand. Mark just wanted to tell them how it was, so they understood. Eventually, they got the message across, but it hadn’t been easy. Elwood – being the eldest – had understood first and as soon as he realised what was being said to him, he hugged Mark as tightly as he could and Mark hugged him back. Willow didn’t quite understand, but as soon as she had seen her brother hug their dad, looking upset, she immediately knew that something was wrong and she, too, hugged Mark as tightly as she could.

Then came the Chemo, it was Robbie who had taken Mark up to the treatment centre. Well, technically it had been a taxi, but Robbie was the one who had been with Mark. Emma had been the one to suggest it. She knew that Mark had always been able to talk to Robbie easier than he had with anyone else – including her. She understood it completely though. She knew that Mark and Robbie had had similar problems in the past and that they knew each other better than anyone else. She also knew that if anyone would be able to get Mark talking about how he felt, it would be Robbie. Since being diagnosed, Mark hadn’t talked much about his feelings. He tended to avoid the subject all together. Emma hated that Mark was keeping things to himself; he needed to talk. He couldn’t let things pile up. The only time Mark ever talked about how he felt was when he was eventually forced to, but even then, he only ever talked about it briefly.

The door opened and Emma walked in. Mark rolled over and looked at her through tired eyes. She smiled sympathetically at him and walked up to the bed. In her hand she held a glass of water. She gently put it on the bedside table and sat on the bed next to Mark.

“You all right?” She asked.

“Fine,”

“Mark, come on, talk to me.”

“I am.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I don’t want to. I just want to be left alone.” He said as he rolled over so he was facing away from Emma.

Emma sighed before speaking again. “Mark, what would you say to Robbie and Ayda coming here to stay for a while?” She asked. Mark rolled back over to face her.

“How d’you mean?” He asked.

“Well, I’ve been thinking. I know you and Rob get on well and I think it’ll be good for you to be near him all the time. He already practically lives here with the amount of times he comes to visit you and I just think it’ll be better for both of you if he stays for a while. Also, he can’t keep staying in a hotel.” Emma told him. Mark smiled at her; it was the first smile Emma had seen from Mark for a while now. It didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it was better than what she had seen previously. For a second, things seemed almost normal.

“Really?”

“Yeah, would that be all right?” Mark nodded, but the effort made him nauseous and he grabbed the bowl and threw up into it. Emma gently rubbed his back soothingly. She hated seeing Mark so ill, but if Mark was to have any chance at beating this tumour, this was what they would have to go through for however long it took.

Mark put the bowl down and lay on the bed on his side. He felt very weak and ill. He felt himself start drifting off to sleep. Emma stroked Mark’s hair for a while as he slept before getting off the bed and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

Before walking out the room, Emma turned to look at Mark again before pulling the door up behind her.

Emma grabbed the phone from its stand and began to type in Robbie’s number. It didn’t take long for Robbie to pick up the phone and when he did he didn’t hesitate to say hello.

“Hey, Rob.” Emma said.

 _“Hey Em. How’s Mark?”_ He asked.

“Ill, chemo’s taking its toll on him.”

_“Is he OK though?”_

“I don’t know, he never talks to me.” Emma sighed and Robbie could tell how hard this was for her. “Look, Rob, I’ve been thinking; why don’t you and Ayda come and stay here? I’ve asked Mark if it’s all right with him and he smiled at me when I asked so I’m taking that as a yes.” She says.

 _“If Mark wants us there, we’ll be there. Well, I will be at least. Ayda’s on her way from LA now so when I go meet her at the airport I’ll tell her and we’ll come straight there.”_ Robbie said.

“OK, I think it’ll be good for Mark if you were here. I think he feels he can talk to you more.” Emma told him.

_“I doubt that.”_

“Rob, he never talks to me.”

_“Yeah, but I don’t think that’s got anything to do with me.”_

“Trust me, I think it might do. You know Mark better than anyone and you were the one who really helped him last time.”

_“I was being a mate. Anyway, better pack. I’ll see you later. I think Ayda’s plane lands in an hour, so we’ll be there soon.”_

“All right, bye Rob.”

_“See ya Em!”_

Emma hung up, put the phone down and went to make sure that the spare room was ready for people to stay in. As she walked past the window she could see the kids playing out in the back garden. Both Emma and Mark knew that this was not easy on them. They were going to have to go into the school and the nursery and explain what was going on. They were supposed to be there today, but Emma had decided to call them in sick as she didn’t think they could face going back to school just yet. Maybe, by the end of the week they might go back. But at the moment, it was probably best that Mark had the entire family around him.

Emma walked up the stairs to the spare room to make sure that everything was tidy for when Robbie and Ayda eventually got here. After doing that, Emma made her way into her and Mark’s room and saw that Mark was still fast asleep on the bed on his side. He looked peaceful, but Emma knew that what was going on inside his head was anything but. It was hard to tell if Mark realised how ill he was as he never spoke about it, but Emma gathered that maybe he didn’t quite understand the size of it. Hopefully when Robbie got here he would be able to get Mark to talk.

She then went down to the living room and sat down on the sofa. She didn’t know what to do right now. She wanted to be up with Mark, but knew that it wouldn’t be a good idea to wake him now. He needed as much rest as he could get before he had to go back in a few weeks for his next round of chemotherapy. And she didn’t want to interrupt the kids whilst they were playing. It was nice to see them getting along for once and not have to deal with the bickering that normally passed between them.

It was nearly five minutes to five in the afternoon when there was a knock at the door. Emma got up and went to answer it. She smiled as she saw Robbie and Ayda standing in the doorway. The two of them smiled back at Emma and she let them inside, closing the door after them.

“Hey, good journey?” She asked.

“Yeah, it was all right.” Ayda answered. Emma smiled.

“How’s Mark?” Robbie asked.

“Still asleep. You can go up and see him if you want.” Emma said.

“OK, thanks.”

Emma showed them the way to the spare room and told them that Mark was just next door. Robbie quickly sorted out his stuff before making his way to where Mark was. Ayda watched him go with a sad look on her face. She knew how much Mark meant to him and how hard this was for Robbie to see Mark like this. She knew that all Robbie wanted at the moment was for Mark to get better. She wanted that too. She may not have known Mark as long as Robbie had, but he was a big part of her life as well as Robbie’s. It just wouldn’t be the same without him if he didn’t get better.

Robbie walked into Emma and Mark’s bedroom. He smiled slightly when he saw Mark asleep on the bed. It wasn’t rare to find Mark like this nowadays, but Robbie wished that he was awake so he could talk to him. Robbie needed to get Mark to talk about his feelings. He didn’t want Mark to keep it all inside him. He felt exactly the same way as Emma did.

He walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge. Mark groaned and opened his eyes and looked at Robbie in confusion.

“Rob? What are you doing here?” Mark asked quietly. Robbie hated seeing Mark like this. It just wasn’t fair.

“Me and Ayda are staying here for a while. I thought Emma told you.” Robbie said. “She told me that you agreed to it when she rang me earlier.” Robbie said. Mark looked at him for a second before he remembered.

“Oh yeah, forgot.”

“How are you feeling, Mark?” Robbie asked gently.

“Shit.”

“That’s not a very good description.” Robbie told him.

“Well what do you want me to say, Rob?” Mark asked.

“I want you tell me how you feel.”

“I just did.”

“Mark, please, you need to tell us more than that. You can’t keep this bottled in, you know you can’t.” Robbie said, trying to get Mark to understand. “Please just talk to us. How are we supposed to know what you’re feeling if you never tell us.” Mark stayed quiet. “Mark, you’re my best friend and I just want to help you.”

“I know, but you know what’s wrong with me; you know how I feel. I don’t need to keep saying it.” Mark said.

“No Mark, I don’t know how you feel. I know you’re sick, but that’s about it.”

“I’ve told you I’m scared.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Then what is there left to tell? I’ve already told you everything!” Mark said. He sounded like he was trying to yell, but his voice wasn’t strong enough to do that.

“Mark, you’re gonna get good days and bad days. Saying you’re scared is general. We need to know how you feel all the time, cos you will feel different every day.” Robbie told him.

“Fine, today I feel like shit. Happy now?” Mark said. He pulled the cover up so it covered his face and Robbie sighed. Why did Mark have to be so difficult about this? Why didn’t he just talk?

“No, Mark, do you even realise how sick you are?”

“I’m dying; I’ve got a pretty good idea.”

“You’re not dying. Mark, for God’s sake, why are you being so bloody pessimistic?”

“I’m being realistic.”

“You’re not going to die, you hear me?”

“For fuck’s sake Rob! I am!” Mark tried to yell again, but failed. “I’m dying and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”

“You’ve had one dose of chemotherapy, Mark; you still have another six months of it.”

“It won’t work. Maybe I should just give up now.” Mark said quietly, Robbie looked at him in the eye.

“Mark Owen, listen to me. It _will_ work; you just have to give it time.” Robbie told him.

“Time is something I don’t have a lot of!”

“You don’t know that. Not yet.”

“How are you so optimistic?” Mark asked quietly.

“Because I know you will beat this. You’re strong Mark and you will get through this.” Robbie told him, Mark looked away from him and rolled over.

“I don’t think I’m as strong as everyone else thinks I am.” Mark mumbled. Robbie went round to the other side of the bed.

“Mark, you are strong and everyone knows it. Please, don’t give up now.” Robbie told him gently, putting a hand on the smaller man’s shoulder.

“All right,” Mark said.

“Good,”

“Promise me one thing though Rob.”

“Anything.”

“If I do die, don’t blame yourself. Cos I know you, you’ll think it’s your fault and God knows what will happen to you then.” Mark told him.

“Mark...”

“Please, promise me, Rob.” Mark begged him.

“OK, I promise.”

“Thank you.” Robbie pulled Mark into a hug and held him tightly. It wasn’t long before Mark fell back to sleep, happy that his best friend was here with him and that he wasn’t planning on going anywhere anytime soon.


	5. FIVE

**Chapter Five:**

Over the next week, Mark gradually began to feel stronger. He still felt very ill at times, but on the whole he was slightly better than before. He was sleeping less during the day and his appetite had started to go back to normal.

Of course, things weren’t perfect – they were nowhere near perfect – but Emma had noticed a change in Mark. Since Robbie and Ayda had come round to stay with them, Mark seemed almost... happier. He was still nowhere near as smiley or bubbly as he used to be, but Robbie’s presence, especially, had had a positive impact on Mark and Emma just hoped that that would continue.

Yesterday, the rest of the lads had popped round to see how Mark was doing. They had talked to him, trying to cheer him up, but nothing seemed to work. When Emma had popped in, she had heard them talking about something that happened back in the 90s. She could see the five of them smiling, but she knew that Mark’s smile was pretty much forced and she knew that the others knew too. It was obvious, his smile didn’t reach his eyes at all and they said what he was truly feeling. She had also noticed that there was something false in the atmosphere, like the laughs they shared were just there to break the silence that would inevitably fall on them if they didn’t. Everything just felt darker. It made Emma realise just how much effect Mark had on the others. Without his larger than life character shinning through, the entire atmosphere felt darker.

The kids had gone back to school the day before and Emma had gone in to explain what was going on when she took them to their different parts of the school. The teachers there promised that they would keep an eye on them and would contact Emma if anything happened. Emma thanked them before turning around to leave. Before she did leave though, everyone she told told her that they wished Mark the best and hoped that he would get better soon. Emma said that she would tell Mark that they wished him well and walked back to the house.

Emma sat with Ayda outside in the garden. The two of them were watching Robbie and Mark kick a football between each other. Robbie had eventually managed to get Mark to come down after about three hours of telling him he needed to do something before he went mad with boredom. Initially, both Emma and Ayda had both thought that they might as well tell Robbie to give up, but they both knew that Robbie would keep trying no matter what and eventually he managed to get Mark to play a little bit of football with him.

As the two of them watched the two men play they couldn’t help but smile. If anyone were to come in right now and see them, despite Mark wearing one of his woolly hats to cover his head where his hair had started to fall out and the fact that his smile wasn’t as bright, you wouldn’t think that there was anything wrong. It was like Mark had forgotten that he was ill and was just happy to be playing his favourite sport with his best mate.

“Hey Marky, look over there.” Robbie said pointing at the sky. Mark looked at him confused, before turning his head to where Robbie was pointing. Robbie grinned and while Mark was looking away, Robbie took the ball off Mark and ran down the garden with it. Mark then heard both Emma and Ayda laugh and he turned to look at them.

“What?” He asked. Emma laughed and nodded her head towards where Robbie stood jumping up and down with his arms in the air. Mark turned to look and then realised what Robbie had done. “Oh, my God, Rob! That’s so childish.” Mark said jogging down to where Robbie was. But as soon as Mark began to make his way towards him, Robbie set off dribbling the ball all around the garden, trying to keep the ball away from Mark for as long as he possibly could.

“Mark, I cannot believe you fell for that.” Emma said as he followed Robbie.

“It wouldn’t be the first time.” Robbie grinned as he continued to dribble the ball around the garden with Mark doing his upmost to use all the energy he had left to catch him up.

“Mark, you’re so gullible.” Ayda told him, Mark just looked at her which made everyone else laugh.

“OK, seriously, it’s not that funny.” Mark told them, but everyone else just continued to laugh. “Guys, stop laughing at me, I don’t like it.”

“Sorry Mark, but it is kinda funny.” Robbie said coming up to him and putting a hand on his shoulder, but Mark just looked at him. “All right, sorry mate.” Robbie told him. “Now come on, you take that and we’ll start again.” Robbie said kicking the ball towards him. Mark stopped it with his foot but didn’t do anything else.

“Actually, I think it’s probably best I go in now. I’m feeling a bit tired. I think I should take a nap.” Mark said. Robbie put an arm around him and rubbed his arm.

“All right, come on.” Robbie said. “You guys coming in as well?” Robbie asked the girls. Emma and Ayda turned to look at him.

“We’ll be in soon.” Emma told him.

“OK, see you in a bit.” Robbie said and he and Mark walked back inside the house and into the living room.

Once in the living room Mark lay down on the sofa and curled up. There was a blanket on the arm of the sofa which Robbie took and lay over Mark. He then sat down on the floor by the sofa and looked at Mark.

“You all right?” Robbie asked. Mark just nodded. “Tired?” Mark nodded again. “Do you wanna go up to your room, or are you happy down here?” Robbie asked him.

“I’m all right here.” Mark replied quietly as he closed his eyes.

“OK,” Robbie said putting a hand on Mark’s shoulder. “Mark, do you want me to stay here with you for while?” Robbie asked him.

“Please,” Mark replied sleepily.

“All right, I won’t go anywhere.” Robbie told him.

It wasn’t long before Mark was asleep with Robbie sitting on the floor beside him with a small smile playing on his lips. When Mark was asleep it was hard to tell what he was feeling. He still wasn’t giving anything away, but Robbie hadn’t given up trying to get Mark to talk. He would carry on trying no matter how long it took for him to get through.

Emma and Ayda came in then and smiled at Robbie as they saw him sitting on the floor next to Mark. The two of them sat down on either side of him and Robbie turned to look at the two women who had just sat down.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey, you all right?” Ayda asked her husband, Robbie just nodded.

“Is Mark all right?” Emma asked, Robbie turned to look back at Mark fast asleep on the sofa before turning back to face Emma.

“I think so; he’s not as energetic as normal right now.” Robbie told her.

“I know, I just don’t want him to overdo himself.” Emma said.

“I know same here.” Robbie sighed. “You remember the time a few months ago, just before the tour, when all of us where at Gary’s and Mark had found the sweet cupboard and ate one too many?” Robbie asked the two of them. Ayda and Emma laughed.

“Oh yeah, he was bouncing off the walls for hours after that.” Ayda said laughing at the memory.

“It took everything everyone had to calm him down.” Emma remembered. “I remember telling Gary to put a padlock on that cupboard for the next time we came over.”

“Oh yeah!” Robbie laughed.

“I think he thought I was joking.”

“Were you?” Ayda asked.

“No,”

“I thought you were joking as well.” Robbie said.

“I wasn’t, I seriously think Gary needs to put a padlock on that cupboard when we come round. Otherwise, it’ll happen again.” Emma smiled looking briefly over at Mark. “Though, right now, I’d give anything for it to happen again.” Emma suddenly looked sad and she bought her legs up to her chest and rested her chin on her knees. Robbie put an arm around her.

“I would too, we all would. Mark’ll be better soon though.” Robbie told her.

“I hope so, I hate seeing him like this. It’s not right, it’s just not him.” Emma said.

“Look, don’t worry, Mark goes back for his second dose of chemo soon, right? Maybe, it’s already started working.” Robbie said, sounding more optimistic than he felt.

“We won’t know for another 6 months or so though.” Emma said.

“I know, but stay positive.” Robbie said.

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Em, come on, you have to stay positive. If you’re not positive, then where does that leave Mark, eh? He’s already certain he’s not going to win this fight. He needs people to be optimistic around him otherwise he’ll just give up eventually.” Robbie told her.

“OK, I’ll try.” Emma said. Robbie rubbed her arm.

“Good, now hadn’t you better pick up the kids from school?” Emma looked at him and smiled. She used to think that maybe Robbie was a bad influence on Mark when she had first met him. But over the last few years, with everything that had happened, she began to realise that he wasn’t that bad and now she knew she had got him all wrong. Robbie was Mark’s best friend and he was a fighter and Emma knew that Robbie would do anything if it meant that Mark would be all right.

“All right, I’ll be back in a bit.” Emma said getting up. “Look after him.” She told Robbie and Ayda, though she knew she didn’t have to tell them.

She kissed Mark’s head gently before smiling at Robbie and Ayda and walking towards the front door.

....

It was the weekend before Mark was due to go back for his second dose of Chemo. He was feeling much better than he had done, but he still didn’t have as much energy as he usually did. Elwood would ask him to play football with him for an hour. Mark told him that he didn’t know if he would be able to do an hour, maybe half, but an hour just seemed like forever at the moment. He hated having to stop playing with his son because he was feeling tired. It was the look on Elwood’s face that would make Mark feel instantly guilty. He knew that Elwood didn’t quite understand what was going on. He knew that Mark was ill, but he didn’t really know how ill.

When he was asleep, he knew that Emma tried to explain why he was always tired to both Elwood and Willow. However, he knew it made no difference. It wasn’t an easy concept for two young children to comprehend and he knew that they probably would never really understand until he wasn’t there anymore.

Mark sat in his room with his guitar. He had started fiddling around with chords. He didn’t really plan on writing a whole song, but he didn’t really have anything better to do at the moment. He was too tired to go downstairs, but he wasn’t tired enough to sleep.

As Mark played with the chords he had been playing with for a while now, he suddenly felt an idea pop up in his head. He grabbed a pad and a pen from his drawer and began to scribble down notes. His writing was awful, he hadn’t been able to write properly for a while now, but it was just legible. As long as he could read it later he didn’t really care how his writing looked. When he was done he put down the pen and pad and put his guitar on the other side of the bed and lay down under the covers. He might as well try and sleep, it wasn’t going to do him any harm after all. He got himself comfortable and closed his eyes; quickly feeling himself drift off into a dreamless sleep.

Not long later, Robbie came in to see how Mark was. He hadn’t seen much of him today. He knew that Mark had been spending time with the kids for the most part until he was too tired to carry on and Robbie had been spending the day with Ayda anyway.

He walked into the room and smiled when he found Mark fast asleep on his bed. Robbie noticed that Mark’s guitar – well one of them at least – was next to him. Robbie walked up to the bed and gently moved Mark’s guitar off the bed and put it in the corner of the room out of the way. He then carefully climbed on the bed and sat next to him.

Mark stirred in his sleep and rolled over so that he was facing Robbie. Robbie looked down at the smaller man fast asleep beside him. Seeing Mark asleep a lot had quickly become the norm. However, despite that, it didn’t feel right. Mark was someone who always liked to live life; to be able to do something and not sit back all day. He wasn’t built for lying around on a bed for hours on end so seeing him like this just felt wrong.

There was a groan for Mark as he stretched out slightly and opened his eyes. Robbie smiled at him and Mark made an attempt to try and smile back at him.

“Hey, you all right?”

“Yeah, but I’d wish people would stop asking me that.” Mark said as he sat up and leaned against the headboard.

“Sorry, but y’know how worried am I – how worried we all are.” Robbie said.

“I know and I appreciate your concern – I really do. It’s just being asked the same question numerous times a day, every day, is slightly annoying after a while.” Mark told him. Robbie put an arm around him and pulled him close.

“I’m sorry; I’ll try not to keep asking you. But you never tell us how you’re feeling.”

“Robbie, we’ve been through this before.”

“I know, Mark, I know. But you still don’t say anything. Why?” Robbie asked. Mark sighed and looked down.

“I don’t know. I hate being fussed over and I guess, there’s nothing really to say.” Mark told him. “I’ve kinda already said it all.” Robbie opened his mouth but Mark looked at him. “Don’t sing.” Robbie closed his mouth and looked at Mark.

“I was not going to sing.” Robbie protested.

“Yes you were.” Mark answered back. “Anyway, my point is, I guess I don’t say anything because of those reasons. I’m scared Rob, I have been from the start and I don’t think that’s really going to go away.” Mark rested his head on Robbie’s shoulder and Robbie couldn’t help but tighten his grip on Mark. “Maybe it’ll get easier; maybe I’ll come to be not scared of dying.” Robbie opened his mouth again to tell Mark that he wasn’t going to die, but Mark just carried on. “Do you know what I’m really scared of?” Mark asked. Robbie shook his head. “I’m scared of leaving everyone behind. I’m scared about what might happen. I’m scared of being on my own.” Mark admitted, his eyes filled with tears and Robbie did nothing other than wrap his other arm around Mark and hold him as tightly as he could. He gently rubbed circles on Mark’s back and felt his own eyes well up with tears.

“It’ll be all right, Mark. You won’t be on your own. I won’t let you be on your own. Not now, not ever.”


	6. SIX

**Chapter Six:**

 

Six months into chemotherapy, Mark didn’t feel that much better. In fact, he didn’t feel any better at all. However, he was still in the recovery period, so maybe he would feel better in a couple of weeks. Though, to be honest, Mark still believed that nothing was going to work. It didn’t matter what anyone said to him, Mark still refused to let himself believe that he was getting better.

It was coming to a point now where Robbie, Ayda and Emma just didn’t know what to do. All three of them had tried everything in the hope that Mark would start to become slightly more optimistic than he had been, but nothing they did worked. However, they hadn’t given up and neither had Howard, Jason or Gary, who still came round as often as they could. Even though there seemed like nothing anyone could do to make Mark more optimistic, no-one was about to give up; they would continue to try and try until Mark finally got better.

Robbie walked up to Mark and Emma’s bedroom to see how Mark was feeling. He knew, due to the chemo, that Mark hadn’t been feeling great recently, but he was getting there. Robbie just hoped that when Mark went back in a few weeks, this would all be over and everything would be back to normal again – was that too much to ask?

He opened the door, slowly, and peered in. There was little light entering the room as the curtains were closed allowing Mark to be able to sleep. As he peered in Robbie saw Mark on his bed trying to hoist himself up into a sitting position. Robbie could see that Mark was struggling and quickly went over and helped his small, sick friend up.

Once Mark was sat up, Robbie sat on the bed next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Mark then rested his head on Robbie’s shoulder and closed his eyes.

“Are you all right?” Robbie quietly asked his friend. Mark nodded but kept his eyes closed. Robbie gently rubbed at Mark’s arm making the smaller man smile softly.

“I’m gonna miss this.” Mark said quietly.

“Mark...” Robbie started, but Mark opened his eyes and moved his head off Robbie’s shoulder so he could him in the eye. It was enough to stop Robbie from being able to carry on with his sentence.

“Robbie, enough.” Mark said, he wanted to raise his voice, but he just felt too weak to do so. “There’s no use trying to tell me that I’m going to get better because I know I’m not.” Robbie opened his mouth to argue back, but Mark stopped him. “Do I look like I’m getting better to you?” Robbie didn’t move; didn’t know what to say. In the end, Mark obviously took Robbie’s silence as a ‘no’ and spoke. “Didn’t think so.” He said quietly as he rested his head on Robbie’s shoulder again. “I’m not getting better Rob. I know I’m not. And if it turns out that I am right then... well, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“If...” Robbie swallowed back the tears that threatened to fall before starting again. “If the chemo hadn’t worked, what will you do?” He asked eventually.

“How d’you mean?” Mark asked.

“I mean, will you go through chemo again or will you give up treatment completely?” Robbie asked him. Mark looked up again and he could see how difficult this was for Robbie to be asking him these things.

“I won’t do treatment anymore.” Mark answered looking up at Robbie straight in the eye.

“So you’re just gonna... give up?” Robbie’s voice was now full of emotion and Mark felt his heart break for his best friend. For the last six months, Robbie had always been there for him, trying to get him to look on the bright side; to not constantly believe that this was the end. However, they both knew that it hadn’t worked. Nothing Robbie had done had changed the way Mark viewed his illness and nothing ever would.

“I can’t go through it again, Rob.” Mark told him. “It’s hard and it’s horrible.” Mark could see that Robbie hated the fact that this was what Mark would choose if he had to. He couldn’t say he particularly liked it either, but what other choice did he have? There was no way he had the strength left to go through with chemo again. “Robbie please, don’t be like this. This is hard for me as well.” Mark told him. Robbie didn’t say anything and rested his head on Mark’s before wrapping his other arm around Mark and holding him closely in a tight hug.

“I love you Mark,” Robbie whispered. He didn’t know what else to say, but what he had said felt right. Mark looked up at him for a second, slightly confused, before Robbie pulled him back to him.

Warmth flooded within Mark and he continued to be held by Robbie. He was comfortable and didn’t want to move. He soon felt his eye lids start to slowly drop and as he began to drift off, Mark felt Robbie place a kiss into his hair before falling asleep completely; safe and happy in the arms of his best friend.

Robbie could feel Mark drift off in his arms and once he realised that Mark had finally gone to sleep he gently lay him down before lying down next to him.

Robbie lay there watching Mark sleep peacefully; he gently stroked Mark’s hair which had only just started to grow back. Looking at Mark now, he didn’t look that ill, but he obviously felt it. Robbie had no idea what chemo was like, but it was obviously hell. Sometimes he wondered how Mark coped with it all. Mark may not be the most optimistic person in the world right now, but he was still strong-willed and Robbie knew that it must have taken a lot of strength to cope with whatever chemicals they kept on putting in Mark’s body in an attempt to kill the tumour inside.

As Mark slept, Robbie placed a kiss to Mark’s forehead. He hated what Mark was going through, it wasn’t fair. Over the last six months, there wasn’t a day that went by where Robbie wouldn’t feel like swapping places with Mark. If he could, he would have done so long ago. He would have swapped places with Mark that night he came to him in his hotel room, drunk but frightened of what he had just found out. That day was now forever in Robbie’s head, he would never forget that night. He would never forget seeing his friend so scared and small. He would never forget holding him in his arms that night as the two of them slept to comfort him.

There was a knock at the door and Robbie sat up slowly as the door opened and Emma came in. She had a small smile on her face as she entered the room.

“How is he?” She asked.

“He’s OK,” Robbie sighed before looking down at his best friend.

Emma came up to the bed and sat down. She looked at Mark asleep beside her before speaking again. “What if this hasn’t worked, Robbie? What if Mark hasn’t got better?” She asked still looking at her husband as he slept.

“I don’t know Em, I really don’t. But Mark said that if chemo hasn’t worked, he’s going to give up treatment. He told me he couldn’t go through with it again.” Robbie told her. Emma looked at him, her eyes wide.

“You mean he’s going to give up?” Emma asked.

“I asked him that, but he just told me he couldn’t go through with it anymore.” Emma felt tears well up in her eyes. “I don’t know what else we’re supposed to do, Emma. I don’t want to lose him either, but we have to stay positive. Maybe, it has worked. Let’s just try and focus on that for now.” Robbie said as much to himself as to Emma.

“OK,” Emma agreed quietly. “Anyway, do you want something to eat? I’ve just finished dinner.” She told him. Robbie smiled and nodded before the two of them slowly stood up and made their way towards the door.

“What about Mark?” Robbie asked, turning around to look at him.

“Don’t worry, I’ve made enough for everyone and if Mark’s feeling hungry later then he can have something to eat. But I highly doubt he’s feeling ready to face food at the moment.” She told him. Robbie nodded before following her down the stairs.

...

About three weeks later, Mark was due to go back to find out the results from his chemo. To say he was scared was an understatement. He was fucking terrified, though he tried not to show it. However, everyone else had noticed long ago how much the whole thing was scaring Mark.

Howard, Gary and Jason had come round for the day to await the news of Mark’s results. The three of them were as scared as everyone, but they were trying to stay calm for Mark’s sake.

After getting there, they sat down in the living room along with Emma, Robbie and Ayda and decided about who would be going with Mark. They knew they all couldn’t go, though they all wanted to. They all wanted to be there supporting Mark in what was probably _the_ biggest moment in his life. Robbie said straight away that Emma should be the one that went with him, but Emma shook her head.

“Why?” He asked. “You’re his wife.”

“I know, but that doesn’t mean I’m the right person to go with him. To be honest, I think you should go with him. You’re his best friend and you know him better than any of us. Throughout this, you’ve been the one who has always been there for Mark, always made sure he was all right. He needs you more than he needs any of us.” Emma told him. Robbie didn’t know what to say.

“Robbie, Emma’s right. Go with Mark.” Jason told him putting a hand on his friend’s shoulder. Robbie looked at him.

“But what if it’s bad news? I don’t know what I’ll do.” Robbie said.

“Do any of us?” Gary asked, Robbie looked down. “Look, Rob, none of us can ever be fully prepared for the bad news, but there’s also a chance that it’s good news; you can’t forget that. But whichever it is, Mark’ll come to you for support first anyway. He always has done. You were the first person he told about this, which tells us he looks to you for support.” Robbie sighed before speaking.

“OK, I’ll go with him. I just don’t think I’m the right person.” He said.

“You are Robbie,” Howard told him.

“Rob, like Emma says, he needs you.” Ayda told him.

“All right,” Robbie said. He then stood up and began to make his way to the back garden to find Mark. “I’ll be back later, I’m just gonna see how Mark’s doing.” He told them before disappearing.

...

Outside, Mark lay on the grass in the warm April air. His guitar lay beside him as he looked up to the sky. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky today and the sun was shining. Mark sighed before closing his eyes.

He opened them again as he felt someone lay down beside him. Mark turned to see Robbie at his side smiling at him. Mark smiled softly back before looking back up to the sky.

“This a new hobby?” Robbie asked with a smile. Mark looked at him again and smiled.

“It’s relaxing.” Mark told him.

“I suppose it is.” Robbie said looking at the sky with Mark. “I’ve heard of star gazing, but I don’t think I’ve heard of sky gazing.” Robbie let out a small laugh, but Mark didn’t say anything. He just sighed as he continued to stare at the never ending blue sky. “Mark,” Mark turned to look at Robbie as he said his name.

“Yeah?”

“It’ll be OK.” Robbie told him seriously.

“I hope so.” He answered. “I don’t want to die.” Mark told him.

“I know.”

“Where does that leave you guys if I’m faced with the fact that nothing will cure me?” Mark asked.

“I honestly don’t know Mark.” Robbie answered honestly.

“What’s the time?” Mark asked. Robbie looked at his watch.

“Half past one.” He said. “We probably best be going now.” He said.

“Are you coming with me?” Mark asked.

“Yeah, I suggested that Emma went with you, but everyone else – including Emma – said that I should come with you.” Robbie said. Mark smiled.

“Thank you, if I had to pick someone to come with me, I’d pick you.” Mark told him.

“OK, now you’re just saying that because I’m here.” Robbie said.

“No, I honestly would have.” Mark told him.

“Really?” Robbie raised an eyebrow. Mark rolled onto his side and looked at Robbie.

“Yes,” he said with certainty.

“OK, thanks bud.” Robbie ruffled Mark’s hair which had now just about long enough to ruffle, before standing up and helping Mark up to.

The two of them then went inside where everyone else was sat on the sofas. Robbie threw a hat over at Mark and Mark caught it in one hand. It was his grey trilby, one he hadn’t worn in a while. He smiled thanks at Robbie before the two of them began to say their goodbyes.

“It will be all right, just you wait.” Emma said as she hugged Mark tightly before letting him go so he could get to his appointment on time.

“I hope so.” Mark said quietly before hugging everyone else and leaving the house with Robbie.

Just before Mark could get in the car, he felt Robbie put an arm around him.

“Whatever happens Mark, whether it’s good or bad, it’ll be OK. We’ll always support you because we all love you.” Robbie told Mark. Mark looked up at Robbie before wrapping his arms around him and hugging him tightly. He didn’t say anything; the hug had said it all for him. And for the first time in the last six months, Mark actually felt that everything would be all right. He just hoped it was.


	7. SEVEN

**Chapter Seven:**

The wait in the waiting area was pure agony. With every person who was called in, Mark would feel his heart miss a beat. He was scared, proper scared. There hadn’t been one single thing in his life that had scared him more than now. He was shaking with fear and anticipation. He just wanted to go in. The sooner he went in, the sooner this would be all over. The longer he was sat here waiting, the more nervous he became.

Robbie sat by his side looking at him every now and then, making sure that he was all right. It hadn’t taken Robbie long to realise that Mark was starting to shake with fear and so he wrapped an arm around him, hoping to calm him down as much as he could.

“You all right?” Robbie asked quietly.

“No,” Mark said, the fear evident in his voice as well as his body language. “I’m scared.”

“I know so am I.” Robbie told him and he was. He was scared of what Mark might be told. He was scared that today would be the beginning of the end of Mark’s life. It sounded dramatic, but that was the truth of it. If they turned around and said that chemo hadn’t worked, Mark had already said that he wasn’t going to go through any more treatment, which meant that there would be nothing anyone could do for Mark. The tumour would just continue to grow until it eventually took over everything and Mark’s body would no longer be able to cope.

“I feel like it’s my fault.” Mark said. Robbie looked at him in confusion.

“What d’you mean?” He asked.

“I feel it’s my fault that I’m ill. If I hadn’t been so stupid and done what I had done then maybe I wouldn’t be here now.” Mark said. Robbie tightened his grip on Mark and refused to let go.

“No Mark, this is not your fault. No-one is to blame for this; this is just something that happens. You can’t blame yourself, you just can’t.” Robbie told him seriously.

“But that’s how I feel.” Mark said.

“I know, but I’m telling you, it’s not your fault.”

“What if it is?”

“Mark, stop it.”

“No, I won’t, because I can’t change the way I feel! This is my fault and I know it.” Mark said his voice raising to a level that Robbie was not comfortable with, especially as they were in the middle of a waiting area.

“Mark, listen to me, please. You are not to blame. There was nothing you could have done.” Robbie told him, Mark just rested his head on Robbie’s shoulder and sighed. Robbie rubbed his arm gently as the two of them fell into silence.

The two of them waited for a while longer. Both of them getting more and more nervous as more time passed. Soon they were two of very few people left in the waiting area and not too long later and nurse came out with her clipboard and read from it.

“Mark Owen.” She said. Mark felt his heart stop for a second at the sound of his name. He lifted his head of Robbie’s shoulder before the two of them stood up together and followed the nurse down the small corridor into one of the many surgeries.

As she let the two of them into the room, she smiled sympathetically at the two of them before leaving and pulling the door up behind her. Robbie wondered what she knew. Did she know the results of Mark’s chemo? Was the sympathetic smile a way of saying ‘I’m so sorry?’ Robbie just hoped that that was the way she smiled to everyone who came in.

The doctor at the desk looked up from his computer and looked at the two of them standing by the door.

“Mr Owen, please sit down.” The doctor stood up and indicated for Mark to sit down. Mark slowly moved to sit on the set in front of the desk. Robbie stood at the back of the room, unsure about what to do. He wanted to be with Mark, sitting next to him, but he didn’t know if that was such a good idea.

Mark turned to look at Robbie standing by the door. The look in his eyes was pure fear. All Robbie wanted to do was pick Mark up and hug him as tightly as he could.

The doctor looked at Robbie with Mark and smiled at him, but the smile wasn’t a happy one Robbie noted, it was polite, but there was nothing in it that told Robbie that what this man was about to say was good news.

“Mr Williams, you best sit down as well.” The doctor told him. His smile had faded and Robbie nodded, already knowing where this was going, but still hoping that, somehow, everything would suddenly turn around.

Robbie sat down on the chair next to Mark’s and looked at his friend. The fear in his eyes hadn’t left and Robbie didn’t think it ever would. He leaned towards Mark and took his hand into his. Mark looked at him and Robbie smiled softly at him, letting him know that he was there for him.

“Mr Owen,” the doctor’s voice made both Mark and Robbie turn to look at him. “The results from your chemotherapy have come through; as I’m sure you are aware of.” Mark nodded. “I’m also sure you are aware of the fact that when you started treatment, there was a high risk of it not working.” Mark nodded again. “Mr Owen, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.” The doctor told him. Mark’s expression was completely taken over by the realisation of what he was about to be told.

“No,” Mark said quietly. He felt Robbie squeeze his hand trying to comfort him.

“I’m sorry, but the chemotherapy hasn’t killed the tumour. All it’s done is stopped it from growing as fast as it was.” Mark felt breathing quicken as he took in the information he was being told.

“No, please, there must be some mistake. Please.” Mark was extremely close to tears by now and the only way he could stop himself from crying was to raise his voice.

“Mr Owen, I’m so sorry, but there is no mistake.” The doctor told him. Robbie looked at the doctor, he himself, very close to tears now. Mark had let go of Robbie’s hand and now had his head in his hands as sobs finally took over his body. Robbie looked from the doctor to Mark and put a hand on his shoulder before looking back up at the doctor.

“How long has he got?” Robbie’s voice broke at the end as he spoke. The doctor looked at him, he was obviously trying to hide the emotion in his expression and Robbie wondered how many times he had had to do this. Tell someone that they were going to die. Robbie knew that it couldn’t be easy and felt for the man in front of him.

The doctor took in a deep breath before speaking. “If the tumour continues to grow as fast as it is, then I don’t think Mark’ll have much more than 10 months. Maybe a year, if he’s lucky.” The doctor said gravely. He obviously hated having to say how long someone had to live and Robbie didn’t blame him. He nodded at the Doctor before looking back down at Mark and gently started to rub his back as he continued to cry.

“Mark,” he said.

“It’s not fair.” Mark said through tears.

“I know,” Robbie said as his own tears started to fall.

“It’s not fair!” Mark shouted angrily. He shook Robbie off of him before knocking his hat off and grabbing his short hair in anger.

“Mark, please calm down.” Robbie told him reaching out to him again. But before Robbie could touch him Mark shot up and bolted from the surgery, slamming the door behind him. The doctor looked at Robbie as Robbie looked up at him. He looked slightly scared because of Mark’s sudden outburst and he wasn’t the only one.

“You’d probably best go after him.” The doctor told him quietly. Robbie nodded and grabbed Mark’s hat from the floor. “I’m sorry,” the doctor told him. “I know Mark must mean a lot to you.” Robbie nodded again; he was scared that if he said something he would breakdown completely.

“He’s everything to me.” Robbie whispered as he walked out of the surgery. As he pulled the door up a tear fell from his eye. He wiped it away before looking around the corridor for any sign of Mark, but he couldn’t see anything that would suggest where he had gone. Robbie sighed as another tear threatened to fall and made his way back through to the waiting area.

There wasn’t anyone in the waiting area when he got there, but that didn’t bother Robbie, all he cared about was finding Mark before something happened to him. He went up to the desk and the woman looked up at him.

“Hello,” she said. She obviously slightly shocked to see him in the surgery, but she managed to stay professional.

“Hi,” Robbie said quickly, he couldn’t waste time talking, he needed to find Mark. “Listen, have you seen Mark anywhere?” Robbie asked.

“Owen?” The woman asked making sure. Robbie nodded quickly.

“He ran out, some of the other nurses managed to catch him and were trying to calm him down. If he hasn’t got away, they would have taken him outside. He was in a bit of a state when he came out.” The woman told him.

“I know,” Robbie said. “Thank you.” Robbie said before he made his way outside. The woman nodded and watched as Robbie ran towards the door and outside.

...

Once outside, finding Mark wasn’t hard, he was sitting on a bench with a nurse holding him as he cried. Robbie felt his heart break and slowly walked over to them. As he approached, the young nurse looked up at him and smiled before carefully standing up and letting Robbie take her place. Robbie wrapped his arms around Mark and Mark tightly wrapped his own arms around Robbie.

“Sshh,” Robbie whispered. “I’ve got you.” Mark continued to weep in Robbie’s arms, while Robbie continued to hold him.

“He wouldn’t say what was wrong, but I take it you already know.” The young nurse said. Robbie looked up at her and nodded before resting his head on Mark’s.

“Thank you for looking after him just then. I was worried I wasn’t going to find him.” Robbie told her. The nurse smiled at sat down next to him.

“I wasn’t going to let him run away in the state he was in.”

“I know, but thank you.” Robbie said.

“It’s OK,” the nurse smiled and Robbie did his upmost to smile back. “I’ll leave you two alone.” She announced before standing up and making her way to the door. She looked back at the two of them once more and smiled again before disappearing inside the building.

Once left on their own, Robbie looked back down at Mark and sighed. “Mark, talk to me, please.” Robbie said his voice thick with emotion as tears rolled down his face.

“I’m going to die.” Mark said through tears. Robbie didn’t know what to say, a few days ago he would have told Mark that he wasn’t, but now that was a lie. Mark really was going to die and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. Robbie felt like screaming; shouting until someone heard him and came with a miracle cure that would make Mark better and stop him from what was inevitably going to happen. But there was no point, if he shouted he would land up attracting a large crowd of people and that was the last thing that he wanted to happen.

“It’ll be all right, Mark, I promise.” Robbie said, but deep down he knew that was a promise that he could never keep.

“Will it?” Mark asked. Robbie didn’t answer for a little while, but when he did he came out with an answer that surprised both Mark and himself.

“Yes,” Mark moved out from Robbie’s hold on him and looked at him through teary eyes. Robbie grabbed Mark’s hat from beside him and put it on Mark’s head at an angle and smiled a watery smile at him. Mark almost smiled back at him before Robbie wiped away the teas from Mark’s eyes with is thumb. “Come on, I think we better get you home.”

“Wh... What will tell the others? How will we tell the others?” Mark asked, his voice cracking and breaking with emotion. Robbie looked at him.

“Anyway we can, it won’t be easy though.” Robbie took Mark’s hand and led him back to the car. Half way, he let go of Mark’s hand and wrapped his arm around Mark’s shoulders and pulled him nearer. Mark rested his head on Robbie’s shoulder as they walked that last couple of metres towards the car before driving home to tell the others the news.

The news that was going to affect their lives forever...


	8. EIGHT

**Chapter Eight:**

The car journey back from the hospital was one of the longest journey’s Mark had ever had to take. in truth, it was only a twenty minute journey, but Mark was so caught up in his own thoughts that time seemed to slow down to a near stop. He felt a mixture of feelings; he felt like crying; lashing out and locking himself in a room until all this shit was over. Except, he knew that this would never be over. Not in the way that everyone wanted. Not in the way that _he_ wanted. It wasn’t fair; maybe if he had been more optimistic and believed that the chemotherapy was going to work, it would have and he would now be going home to tell everyone that everything was all right and that he was going to fine – better than fine, even. But of course, things had taken a very different turn and he was now on his way home to tell everyone that he only had a short amount of time left.

A tear fell from his eye as he looked out of his window, watching as the trees, road signs and buildings whizz past right before him.

Robbie looked from the road to Mark and back again. He didn’t know what to do. His best friend was dying and there was nothing he could do to stop it. To be honest, Robbie knew that it hadn’t all sank in yet and he wasn’t sure what would happen when it finally did. He looked over at Mark again and noticed that he hadn’t moved at all.

“Mark?” Robbie said turning back to the road. Another brief glance at Mark told him that Mark hadn’t actually heard him, or if he did, he was choosing to ignore him. “Mark, are you OK?” Robbie asked gently. But Mark still didn’t show any sign that he had heard what Robbie had said. “Mark, please, don’t shut me out.”

“I’m not shutting you out.” Mark whispered back, but he didn’t move.

“You haven’t spoken at all since we left.” Mark shot round and looked at Robbie.

“What d’you expect me to say?!” Mark asked, raising his voice. “Do you expect me to want to engage in conversation? After what’s just happened?!”

“Mark, I didn’t...” Robbie tried to say, but Mark cut him off.

“No forget it! Do you even realise what I’ve been told?” Mark asked him angrily.

“Of course I do!” Robbie shouted back as he turned the corner towards Mark’s house. “I’m not stupid Mark! I know what was said back there!” Robbie drove into the driveway and parked the car. Mark looked at him angrily before getting out the car and slamming the door shut making Robbie wince before he, too, got out the car. “Mark,” Robbie said gently. Mark didn’t turn to look at him. “Mark, I’m sorry. I know how hard this is for you.” Robbie took a few steps forward towards Mark, but still, he didn’t move. “Mark, please, I’m sorry.”

“Can you even begin to imagine what it’s like to be told that you’ve got a limited time left to live?” Mark asked so quietly that Robbie struggled to hear what he said.

“No, Mark, I can’t.” Robbie admitted.

“It’s the hardest thing to hear.”

“I understand.” Robbie put an arm on Mark’s shoulder and Mark closed his eyes as a tear slid down his face.

“I don’t want to die.” Mark said his voice thickening with emotion.

“I know,”

“I’m scared,” Mark admitted, struggling now to form a sentence.

“I know, I know.” Robbie said, he too, was close to tears.

“Please, don’t let me do this on my own.” Mark said before Robbie brought him into a tight hug and Mark completely broke down in Robbie’s arms.

“Hey, sshh, what makes you think I’m going to let you do this on your own?” Robbie said, fighting back tears of his own.

“I don’t know, just promise me.” Mark said through tears.

“I promise.” Robbie told him with clear certainty. This was one of things he knew he would be able to promise Mark over the next ten months.

Robbie continued to hold Mark for a little bit longer while he cried. He held on tightly to Mark, gently rubbing his back in order to try and calm him.

Once Mark was calm enough, he pulled out of Robbie’s embrace and Robbie gently wiped the remaining tears from Mark’s eyes. Mark looked up at him and Robbie tried to smile at the smaller man, but couldn’t quite manage it.

As he looked at Robbie, he noticed that tears had formed in his eyes and so Mark stood up on his tip toes and wiped them away, just like Robbie had done to him. He then smiled sadly at Robbie, but like Robbie, he couldn’t quite mange a smile of any kind.

“Come on, let’s go inside.” Robbie told Mark.

“I don’t want to tell them.” Mark said.

“I know, neither do I.”

“I don’t think I can do this.” Mark admitted.

“Yes Mark, you can. I’ll be there with you, don’t worry.” Robbie told him.

“I know, but I don’t think I can bring myself to say those words to them.” Mark said as he looked down at the ground.

“You have to, Mark. They need to know.” Mark didn’t reply and Robbie put an arm around him. “Come on, let’s go.” He led Mark to the front door, slowly.

Their return had obviously been noticed by the others because when they got to the door Emma opened it with a look on her face that told them that she was desperate to know what had happened. As soon as he laid eyes on Mark, she immediately looked up at Robbie, telling him, with her eyes, to tell her what had happened. Robbie just shook his head and Emma let the two of them in.

Robbie led Mark into the living room and as soon as they stepped foot in the room, Gary, Howard, Jason and Ayda stood up and looked at the two of them.

“What did they say?” Howard asked. Mark had his head down, refusing to look at anyone and Robbie’s eyes had a look in them like the bearer of bad news.

Emma had come into the room and stood next to Jason in front of Mark and Robbie. Robbie looked down at Mark and wondered if he was going to tell them what had happened.

“Mark, tell them.” Robbie said to him softly. Mark shook his head, but didn’t say anything.

“Mark, please tell us.” Emma said with a desperate tone in her voice.

Mark knew that everyone’s eyes were on him and he felt like they were burning holes in his body. He knew he needed to tell them; knew that there was no way he was going to get away with not telling them. But the thing was, he just couldn’t bring himself to.

A thousand and one thoughts circled through Mark’s mind at a hundred miles an hour; most of them telling what he should do or what he shouldn’t do. His head felt so crammed that it was giving him a headache. He wanted to scream out, to tell everyone to stop looking at him and leave him alone. He didn’t want to tell them, he just wanted to be on his own. Eventually, the thoughts got the better of him and his legs went weak. Before his brain to catch up to what was going on, Mark’s legs buckled and his world circled around him before turning to black.

Robbie caught him before he hit the floor. Everyone else had moved in as soon as they saw what was about to happen. Each of them ready to catch Mark if he fell towards them.

“Mark,” Emma cried as Robbie caught him.

“I’ve got him.” Robbie said.

“Oh God, is he all right?” Emma asked. Robbie didn’t answer because he knew that Mark wasn’t all right and not just because he had fainted. He lifted Mark up in his arms and lay Mark down on the sofa.

“Rob, what happened?” Gary asked gently, putting a hand on his friend’s back as Robbie stood back up straight. “What did they say?”

Robbie sighed before turning around to face everyone who was currently standing behind him. He didn’t want to tell them either, but someone had to.

“They said that the chemo had only stopped the tumour from growing, it hasn’t killed it.” Robbie told them quietly.

“What?” Emma said, not wanting to believe that what Robbie was telling them was true.

“What’s going to happen to him?” Ayda asked, though all them knew what it meant.

“The tumour will carry on growing and, eventually, Mark won’t be able to cope.” Robbie said, refusing to say that Mark was going to die.

“How long has he got?” Jason asked. It was the question that everyone wanted to know the answer to, but, yet, worried about what the answer would be.

“The doctor said ten months – a year if he’s lucky.” Robbie said looking down at Mark, still unconscious on the sofa behind him. Tears formed in his eyes again and he let one fall before wiping them away and walking out of the room.

Emma sat down on the floor next to the sofa and cried. After everything, this was it. Mark was never going to beat this and they were going to lose him. There was nothing that anyone could do now and that was the hardest thing.

Howard and Gary went over to Emma and sat down next to her as Jason and Ayda went followed Robbie. They, too, couldn’t believe what had just happened and they were all fighting back tears as best they could. Sadly though, they weren’t very successful and tears fell from their eyes. They were just able to hold back sobs that threatened to overtake them, but other than that, they had no control whatsoever.

“Em? You OK?” Howard asked his voice full of emotion. Emma looked at Howard briefly before shaking her head.

“I thought he was going to get better.” Emma said through her tears.

“I know so did we.” Gary told her.

“It’s not fair. Mark said he never wanted to waste away.” Emma told them.

“No-one does.” Howard said.

“I know, but that was the one thing Mark said he didn’t ever want happening to him or anyone he knew. He said that he was scared of knowing how long he had left.”

“When did he say that?” Gary asked.

“A couple of weeks ago,” Emma wiped the tears from her eyes, but more came. Howard wrapped an arm around Emma and held her to him as he cried. He looked over at Gary, who looked at Mark.

There was a groan from the sofa as Mark started to awake. The three of them looked at Mark as he opened his eyes. Emma stood up and gently stroked his hair as Mark regained the focus in his eyes.

“Mark?” Emma said her voice full of emotion. Mark looked up at her, but didn’t do anything else. “Oh God, I can’t believe this is happening.” Emma said as tears fell from her eyes again.

“Don’t cry, please.” Mark told her, his voice slightly croaky.

“How?” Emma said. “You’re...” Emma trailed off unable to carry on her sentence. Mark slowly sat up from where he lay and brought her into a tight hug. Emma cried into his shoulder and Mark gently rubbed her back, hoping to calm her down.

“I know, I’m dying, but please, don’t cry.” Mark told her, tears streaming down his own face. “Did Rob tell you?” He felt Emma nod on his shoulder.

“He had to,” Gary said. Mark looked at Howard and Gary, who looked like they were trying not to cry. Mark let go of Emma slightly before bringing Howard and Gary into the hug as well. Not long later, Mark let go of the three of them and looked down.

“He shouldn’t have been the one to tell you. I should never have put him in that position.” Mark said regretfully. “Where is he?” Mark asked.

“He went out. Jay and Ayda have gone to see how he is.” This just made Mark feel even guiltier. He stood up and began to walk out the room.

“Mark, where are you going?” Emma asked trying to wipe away the tears.

“I’m going to find Rob.” Mark said before walking out of the living room.

Howard, Gary and Emma stayed where they were and looked down at the floor. They were still finding it hard to comprehend what they had been told. They didn’t know if it would ever sink in. In many ways, they didn’t want it to.

After a while in silence, Emma spoke. “What will we tell the kids?” She asked. Gary and Howard each put an arm around her.

“The truth.” Gary said.

“How?” Emma asked.

“Anyway you can.” Howard told her.

...

Robbie sat at the end of the garden, hoping that the fresh air would clear his head a little. He knew he should be in the house with the others while they waited for Mark to wake up, but he didn’t know if he could face going back in there just yet. Having to tell the others what was going on had not been easy. There had been many hard things that Robbie had had to do in his life, but that had been the hardest thing he had ever had to do.

Robbie sighed and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he saw Jason and Ayda walking up to him. They sat down on either side of him and Ayda put his arm around his shoulders.

“Rob, you OK?” She asked. Robbie didn’t say anything but shook his head.

“Rob, I know this is hard, but you need to come back inside. Mark needs you.” Jason told him.

“How can I face going back in there?” Robbie said. “I hate the fact that I can’t do anything to make things better. Mark’s been there for me time after time and helped me until I was better, but I can’t do the same for him.” Robbie said, tears falling down his eyes.

“You can still be there for him. You may not be able to make Mark better, but you can help him make the most of the time he has left.” Jason told him, his voice thickening with emotion as he tried to help his friend.

“It’s not the same though. I feel like I’m letting him down. Again.” Robbie said putting his head down and playing with the grass.

“You haven’t let him down, Rob. You’ve done all you can for him.” Ayda told him seeing how Jason was now struggling to hold it together.

“But it wasn’t enough, was it?” Robbie cried.

“Yes it was.” The three of them turned their heads to see Mark standing near them. His eyes were puffy and red, it was clear that he had, too, been crying. He came over to them and sat in front of Robbie and looked at his best friend straight on. “You’ve done everything you could for me and you don’t know how grateful I am for that.” Mark told him.

“If I had done everything I could, you wouldn’t be in this position right now and you wouldn’t be...” Robbie trailed off unable to say the ‘d’ word.

“Dying? Rob, it’s OK y’know, you can say it.” Mark told him. “And there was nothing else you could have done for me. Please, don’t beat yourself up about this. I knew that I wasn’t going to get better as soon as I find out about the tumour. Why do you think I had so little optimism?” Mark said. Robbie stayed quiet. “But you all – especially you – tried your hardest to pick me up and make me believe that I was going to get better. Even though it didn’t work, I still admire you for not giving up. To be honest I thought you would have given up after a while.” Mark said truthfully. “So, you see, Rob? You never let me down. You never let me down once. If anything, _I_ let _you_ down.”

“How?”

“Because I promised you that I would never leave you again and yet I am.” Mark told him looking down.

“No Mark, you could never let me down.” Robbie brought Mark into a tight hug and Mark wrapped his arms around Robbie’s waist.

When the two of them let go, Jason put a hand on Mark’s shoulder and Mark looked at him.

“You’re not saying much Jay.” Mark said softly.

“I don’t know what to say.” He said, his voice still full of emotion,

“Rare for you.” Mark said with a watery smile. Jason let out a half-hearted watery laugh. “Why don’t we all go inside?” Mark suggested. The others nodded and the four of them stood up and walked back inside the house.

Mark walked slightly ahead of the other three. He hung his head slightly and was glad that the others couldn’t see his face. Back then, he had hid what he was really feeling as best he could. What he truly felt was fear. He had tried to be strong for the others, but inside, all he wanted to do was run away, away from everyone, and curl up.

Jason looked at Robbie who had his eyes on Mark all the way back inside. He wondered if Robbie saw what he saw. Wondered if he, too, tell that Mark had been hiding back then.

“Rob,” Jason said.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think that Mark was hiding what he was truly feeling back then for our benefit?” Jason asked. Robbie looked at him and nodded.

“Yeah, I think he’s trying to act stronger than he’s feeling. We can’t let him do that.” Robbie said.

“No, we can’t.” Jason agreed as they entered the house.

...

Inside, Gary, Howard and Emma were still in the living room waiting for anyone to come in. They were in a position where they didn’t really know what to do. They wanted to go out and see how Rob was as well, but they thought it would be best to let Mark do that by himself. If they went, they didn’t know what they would say. At the moment they didn’t know what to say to each other let alone anyone else at the moment.

Soon, there came the sound of footsteps coming towards the living room. A second later, Mark appeared in the doorway and not long after, Ayda, Jason and Robbie followed. Emma stood up and hugged Mark, not knowing what else she could do. Mark hugged her back and not long after that, everyone else joined in, forming a tight group hug. Not one of them wanted to let go and so they stayed like that for a while. Mark felt slightly squashed in the middle of the huddle, but didn’t care, he liked it. He knew that everyone here was going to help him through this and make the time he had left a time that none of them would ever forget.

But, as from today, nothing was ever going to be the same again...


	9. NINE

**Chapter Nine:**

 

Mark lay wide awake in the middle of the night. He just stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep. Every so often a tear would fall from his eyes, but he didn’t bother to wipe it away, he just let it fall until it fell no more.

Everything that had happened that day now crowed Mark’s thoughts. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t think of anything else. He remembered every word the doctor had told him; he remembered running out of the room, unable to hear anything else; he remembered a nurse holding him until Robbie came and found him; he remembered what it had been like when he and Robbie had returned; he remembered every detail of the past day and just wished that it had all been a dream. But it wasn’t. This was real life and everything that was happening was really happening. There was nothing fake at all and Mark hated it.

Another tear fell from his eye and he turned his head to see Emma lying peacefully asleep next to him. Mark couldn’t even begin to imagine what Emma must be feeling right now. He knew that this could not be easy on her. He wanted to tell her that things would get better, that things would be all right, but it wasn’t. Things would never get better, not now.

...

Robbie couldn’t sleep either, he, too, lay in his bed thinking upon what had happened over the last day. He closed his eyes as he remembered when Mark had been told that the chemo hadn’t worked. In the end, when everything dawned on him all at once like a tonne of bricks falling on his head, tears escaped from his eyes and he wasn’t able to control the sobs that were rising. He tried his best to contain them, but his attempts were futile.

He rolled over on to his side, not facing Ayda who was sound asleep next to him, and continued to cry. How could this have happened? Why had this happened? Mark didn’t deserve this, he just didn’t. In truth, no-one did. No-one deserved to be dying like this – least of all Mark. Robbie just didn’t understand why it had happened.

He wanted to scream at someone – anyone – to tell them that he would do anything to swap places with Mark. That wasn’t to say that he wanted to die himself, but given the choice, he would much rather he was the one going through all this than Mark.

Robbie was too caught up in the world around him that he didn’t feel Ayda move beside him. The first time he realised he had awoken her was when she eventually put a hand on her shoulder and gently whispered his name, bringing him out of his thoughts.

“Rob? What’s wrong?” She asked softly as Robbie’s sobs soften slightly.

Robbie rolled over to face her and sat up slightly as Ayda brought him into a tight hug. Robbie clung on to her tightly, not wanting to let go as his sobs hardened.

“Robbie?” Ayda asked again. This time Robbie answered, though Ayda struggled to understand what he was saying through his tears.

“Mark... It... It’s not fair...” Robbie managed to get out.

“Sshh,” Ayda soothed, rubbing her husband’s back trying to calm him.

“I... I don’t want to lose him.” Robbie said.

“I know, but it’ll be all right.” Robbie pulled back slightly and looked at her.

“How will it? How will it be all right? Mark’s dying!”

“It just will,” Ayda said, not really sure how to answer Robbie’s question.

“No it won’t.” Robbie said quietly. “I don’t know what I’ll do without him.” Ayda stayed quiet and let Robbie continue. “He’s my best friend and he’s always been there for me, but I was never there for him. If only I had been, then maybe things would be different now.” Robbie explained.

“You have been there for him, Rob. You were there for him two years ago when he needed your help and you’re there for him now. So don’t say you weren’t there for you. Mark told you earlier that you never let him down.” Ayda told him sternly bringing him back into a hug.

“Doesn’t change things though,” Robbie said. “He’s been there more for me than I have for him. I’ve been a shit friend to him. I love him, but sometimes I feel like I took him for granted. It’s funny how you find out how much someone means to you right at the end, isn’t it?” Robbie tried to be light-hearted with his last sentence, but Ayda knew that what Robbie said was really what he felt. “I can’t lose him, not now.” Robbie pulled away and climbed out of bed, put on his slippers and dressing gown before making his way towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Ayda asked, concerned about Robbie.

“I need to get some fresh air to clear my head. You go back to sleep, I don’t know how long I’ll be.” Robbie told her. He smiled at Ayda softly before opening the door and heading out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Ayda sat on the bed for a little while longer, looking at the door. She sighed, before lying back down and closing her eyes. She was worried about Robbie; she knew how much Mark’s meant to him. What worried her most was that Robbie might never recover when they lost Mark; that was a scary thought. Before falling back to sleep, Ayda forced herself not to think about that just yet and eventually managed to drift off.

...

Mark had had enough of not being able to sleep so he sat up and slowly got out of bed, being careful not to wake Emma, still sleeping peacefully next to him. He put on his dressing gown and slippers before turning around to face his wife. He smiled at her before pressing a kiss to her forehead and slowly walking out of the room. Just before he reached the door, though, he heard Emma call him from behind.

“Mark?” Mark turned back around to face her. From what he could see in the dark, she was looking at him with worry in her eyes.

“I’m gonna get some fresh air. I can’t sleep.” Mark told her.

“Are you all right?” Emma asked him. Mark nodded.

“Go back to sleep.” Mark said nodding to the bed. He smiled at her before walking out the door.

“Mark wait,” Emma called him back and a second later, Mark appeared in the doorway. “It’ll be all right.”

“I wish I could believe you.” Mark said before walking out the door again and pulling it up behind him.

...

Mark walked out into the garden where he saw Robbie sitting on the bench on the edge of the lawn. He noticed that Robbie was looking down and hadn’t seen him walk out yet. Mark walked up to him and sat down on the bench next to him. Robbie finally noticed him and looked up at him.

“Couldn’t sleep either, eh?” Mark asked him, Robbie allowed his lip to quiver as if he was going to smile.

“No, brain’s too crowed.” Robbie replied.

“I know same here.” Mark said.

“It’s finally dawned on me, y’know.” Robbie admitted. “What happened today, it’s all come at once.” Robbie looked down again. Mark put a hand on Robbie’s shoulder and looked at him. “I just wish I couldn’t have done more for you.” Robbie said sadly and Mark felt tears form in his eyes.

“Stop being so hard on yourself, Rob. Please.” Mark said. He hated the fact that Robbie felt this way; that he felt he hadn’t done enough for Mark. All Mark wished was that things didn’t have to be this way.

Robbie looked back at Mark and saw that the older man wasn’t far off from completely breaking down. Robbie knew that, he also, probably looked the same. But the thing was, he didn’t care. With most people, Robbie hated letting down his guard and showing his true emotions, but with Mark, all that went out the window. Mark was the one person he felt he could share everything with – good or bad.

“I don’t want to lose you, Mark.” Robbie said taking hold of Mark’s hands and looking him in the eye. Mark swallowed back the tears that threatened to fall, but he couldn’t hold them in any longer. He collapsed on Robbie and started to weep. Robbie immediately wrapped his arms around Mark tightly and held him as he cried. It wasn’t long before Robbie’s own emotions took over and he began to weep with Mark.

When the sobs died down on both men’s parts, Mark slowly pulled away and looked at Robbie. Robbie looked down at him and gently brushed Mark’s hair out of his eyes affectionately. Without thinking about it, Mark closed his eyes and leant into Robbie’s touch; a small smile also formed on his face. When Robbie moved his hand away, Mark reopened his eyes and looked up at him.

“How about we go inside now? It’s starting to get a bit nippy.” Robbie suggested.

“OK, can we just go into the living room; I don’t want to go back to bed yet.” Mark said.

“All right, come on.” As the two of them stood up, Robbie wrapped an arm around Mark and both of them walked inside together, heading towards the living room.

They sat on the sofa, in front of the TV, but didn’t bother to turn it on. Both of them were exhausted, but neither of them wanted to go back to bed. So instead, they decided to sit on the sofa together.

Robbie still had one arm wrapped around Mark and Mark wrapped one of his arms around Robbie’s waist having rested his head on his shoulder. They were both contented and they both could feel themselves slowly drifting off. Mark yawned quietly before closing his eyes and letting out a small contented sigh. Robbie looked down at him and smiled.

“Do you wanna go back up to bed?” Robbie asked. “I’ll carry you if you want.” Mark just shook his head, but didn’t open his eyes.

“I wanna stay here, with you.” Mark told him and Robbie couldn’t help but smile at that.

“OK then, you stay here.” Robbie said. “Goodnight Marky,”

“Goodnight Rob,” Mark replied sleepily. Robbie placed a kiss to his forehead just as Mark fell into a deep sleep. Robbie watched him for a while before yawning himself and carefully laying down on the sofa, with Mark asleep on top of him. He rubbed Mark’s arm with the arm wrapped around him before pressing another kiss to his head. It wasn’t long before Robbie followed Mark into the land of dreams.

...

When Emma awoke the next morning, she found she was alone. To be honest, she wasn’t too surprised that Mark didn’t come back last night, but she did worry about why he hadn’t.

Emma climbed out of bed and made her way to the door. As she stepped out into the hallway, she noticed Ayda coming out of the room she and Robbie were staying across the hall.

“Morning,” Emma said and Ayda smiled at her.

“Morning,” she replied. “Hey, you seen Rob?”

“No, I haven’t. You seen Mark?”

Ayda shook her head. “Sorry, I haven’t.”

“Did Rob go out last night?” Emma asked.

“Yeah, he said he needed to clear his head. He got quite upset last night about everything.” Ayda told Emma.

“God...” Emma didn’t really know what to say. “Mark said he needed air too.” Emma sighed. “Where d’you think they are?”

“I dunno, downstairs I hope. But where we find one, the other won’t be far.” Emma smiled at that. It was true. Mark and Robbie never strayed too far from each other and if they had both gone downstairs last night then there was a very large chance that they would have met somewhere in the house.

...

Ayda walked down the stairs a couple of metres ahead of Emma. Once down, she opened the door to the living room. The TV was off and nothing seemed to show any signs that Robbie and Mark had been in here at all last night.

Just as Emma came down the stairs and into the room, Ayda began to walk out into the kitchen. As she past the sofa, she noticed something and turned around to look. The moment she saw what was lying on the sofa a smile broke on her face. Right there in front of her were Mark and Robbie fast asleep on the sofa. Mark was lying on top of Robbie, who had his arms wrapped tightly around him.

“Emma, come here.” Ayda ushered with a smile on her face. Emma walked up to her and Ayda pointed to the sofa. Once Emma realised what Ayda was pointing at, her face, also, broke into a smile.

“Aww,” Emma said smiling.

“Cute aren’t they?” Ayda laughed.

“Yep, they certainly are.” Emma laughed too. “How long do you think they’ve been asleep like that?” She asked.

“No idea,” Ayda told her. “I wonder if they realise how they look.” She wondered.

“Who knows, I bet they had a friendly cuddle or something and then fell asleep.” Emma said.

“Who d’think fell asleep first?”

“Probably Mark,”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Should we wake them?” Emma asked.

“I think we should just leave them for a while, let them wake up themselves. I don’t think they got too much sleep last night.” Ayda said.

“Suppose not.” Emma said. “Be right back.” Emma walked off out of the room and Ayda looked at her.

“Where’re you going?” But Emma was already out of sight.

It wasn’t long, however, before Emma came back with a blanket in her arms. Ayda smiled at nodded at her as she walked back over to the sofa and walked around it before gently placing the blanket over Mark and Robbie.

“Tell you what, why don’t we get some breakfast and let these two sleep for a bit longer.” Emma suggested.

“OK,” Ayda nodded and followed Emma out to the kitchen.

...

Half an hour later, Robbie started to stir. The first thing he noticed as he woke up was that he could feel something warm and heavy on top of him. As he opened his eyes he saw that it was Mark who was lying on top of him, still fast asleep. Robbie smiled and gently used the arm still wrapped around Mark to rub his arm gently.

The second thing he noticed was that there was now a blanket that covered both of them. He certainly didn’t remember having a blanket last night.

He knew that he should really move now, but there were two things stopping him. One was because Mark was still asleep and the last thing he wanted to do was waking him by having to move him and two, he was actually very comfortable and just didn’t want to move.

A second later, Robbie heard the sound of someone coming into the living room. He looked up and found Emma and Ayda staring at him with smiles on their faces. He smiled back before using his free hand to rub the remaining sleep out of his eyes.

“Morning,” Ayda said.

“Morning,” Robbie replied.

“Sleep well?”

“Yeah,”

“Comfortable?” Ayda said the smile still on her face.

“Yes. Look, it’s not what it looks like! Honest!” Robbie said trying not to speak too loudly in case he woke Mark up.

“Don’t worry, we understand.” Emma said. “You OK?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, it’s just last night everything hit me.” Robbie admitted. “I... I can’t believe this is really happening.”

“I know, none of us can. How’s Mark?”

“I don’t know. Tired I suspect, probably both physically and emotionally. It must be so hard for him.” Robbie said looking down at Mark and carefully brushing hair out of his eyes.

“It’s hard for everyone, but none more so than Mark. I don’t think anyone can really imagine what it’s like for him at the moment, unless they’ve been – or are in – the same position as he is.” Emma said looking down at Mark. Robbie didn’t say anything, but nodded instead.

...

After an hour or so, when the kids were finally up and Emma and Ayda had gone outside with them, Mark began to stir.

Robbie watched him as he began to awake with a smile on his face. Once Mark was awake he looked at Robbie and gave a small smile.

“Morning,” Robbie said.

“Morning,” Mark replied quietly.

“You all right?” Mark nodded as he moved slightly to get more comfortable. “You gonna get off me now? Cos, for a little guy, you’re getting kinda heavy.” Mark shook his head and continued to lie on Robbie. “You sure you’re OK?” Mark nodded again. “Are you gonna say anything to me other than ‘morning’?” Robbie asked hating Mark’s silence, but Mark just shook his head. Robbie sighed quietly before speaking again. “Mark, do you want to come out with me today? We don’t have to go out for long, but I just thought that maybe you might want to get out of the house for a couple of hours.” Mark lifted his head off Robbie’s chest and looked at him.

“That’d be nice.” Mark replied quietly before putting his head back on Robbie’s chest.

“You do realise that if you want to go out, you’ve actually got to get off me first, don’t you?” Robbie said with a smile. However, Mark didn’t make any attempt to move.

“I don’t want to go just yet.” Mark said.

“Are you sure you’re OK Mark?” Robbie asked worried for his friend.

“I’m fine.” Mark moved off Robbie and stood up. Robbie suddenly missed the warmth of Mark’s body on his even though it sounded wrong to think that. “Now are you coming or what?”

“Thought you just said that you didn’t want to go just yet?” Robbie said.

“Well I’ve changed my mind now. So are you coming?” There was no light in Mark’s tone as there usually would be and all Robbie wanted to do was make Mark smile again.

Mark walked off and Robbie jumped up and followed him upstairs. Robbie told Mark to meet him in the kitchen when he was finished and Mark nodded in response.

Surprisingly, Mark was the first one ready and as he waited for Robbie to come down and meet him, he stared out of the window, watching Elwood and Willow play together with Emma and Ayda watching them. He couldn’t help but smile as he saw his son and daughter play together. His smile faded, however, once he realised that he was still to tell his children that he didn’t have long left with them. He didn’t know how he was going to tell them, but he knew there was going to be no easy way to break the news.

“How am I supposed to tell them Rob?” Mark asked without turning around as he heard Robbie enter the kitchen.

“Who?” Robbie walked up behind Mark and put a hand on his shoulder.

“The kids.” Mark told him. Robbie took his hand off Mark’s shoulder and wrapped his arm around him.

“I don’t know Mark, but you’ll find a way. I know you will.” Robbie told him.

“I don’t want to tell them.”

“I know.”

Mark let out a sigh before grabbing a couple of bananas from the cupboard and throwing one to Robbie.

“Thanks,” Robbie said with a smile. Mark gave a small smile back and Robbie led the way outside to say goodbye to everyone outside.

“Ayda, Em, Mark and I are just going out for a while.” Robbie said. Emma and Ayda turned around to face them.

“OK, how long you gonna be?” Ayda asked.

“Don’t know,” Robbie told her. “But probably not too long, though.”

“OK, see you later.” Ayda smiled at them.

“Rob,” Emma said. “Look after him,” She nodded towards Mark who was standing just inside the house. Robbie nodded before making his way back into the house with Mark. Just before he followed Robbie, Mark waved at them and Emma and Ayda waved back. Mark then turned around and followed Robbie towards the front of the house.

...

Outside it was relatively warm; there was a cool breeze that made being outside refreshing and mind-clearing. Mark walked alongside Robbie liking the way the wind felt against his face and hair.

Robbie looked down at Mark at his side. The smaller man seemed to be a bit more like himself since they had left the house, though he was still very quiet. Robbie was determined to get Mark to act like he used to at least once before they went home – or get him to smile one of his bright, heart-warming smiles at the least.

As they walked in the park together, Robbie continued to look at Mark. There had been a reason why he had asked Mark to come out with him this morning, but now he thought about it, maybe he should just forget about that and just enjoy walking with his best friend.

Except, he knew he couldn’t. There was something that he desperately needed to tell Mark. He had already left it too late and Robbie knew that if he kept putting it off now, he would never tell Mark. The fact that Mark’s time was now limited had made Robbie finally realise that he needed to tell Mark something that he had been meaning to tell him since the 1990s.

“Mark, can I talk to you?” Robbie asked as they came up to a bench in the deserted part of the park.

Mark looked up at Robbie. “Yeah, ‘course you can. What d’you want to talk about?” Mark asked sitting down on the bench.

Robbie sat down next to him and let out a long breath. “Us,” he finally said. Mark looked at him with a confused look on his face. “I...” Robbie stopped before starting again. “There’s something that I’ve been meaning to tell you for a very long time and I’ve realised now that if I don’t tell you soon, I’ll never get to tell you.”

“What is it?” Mark asked.

“Do you remember what I told you a few weeks ago while you were still in the recovery period after your last dose of chemotherapy?” Robbie asked.

“I don’t remember anything specific.” Mark said.

“You sure? I did something that I want you to know and remember.” Robbie said.

“What was it?”

“I... I don’t really know how to tell you...”

“Can’t you show me then? Draw it on a piece of paper if you have to.” Mark told him. Robbie breathed a laugh.

“It’s not quite so simple, Mark.” Robbie said. “I guess I could show you in a way, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

“Mark, please, it’s not easy for me to tell you this after everything.” Robbie said. “I’m worried about what you might say. I’m worried you’ll hate me.”

“I could never hate you, Rob. Never.” Mark told him with honesty. “Now why don’t you show me what you want to tell me, or are you going to say it?” Mark asked with a smile not far off his normal one.

Robbie felt his heart flutter slightly, it had been a while since he had seen Mark smile anywhere near like he used to. He had almost forgotten what that smile did to him, until now.

“I’ll show you, but please, don’t hate me.”

“Rob, I already said, I could never hate you.” Mark told him.

“I know,” Neither of them said another word and before Mark could really take in what was happening, he felt Robbie’s lips press against his own.


	10. TEN

**Chapter Ten:**

Mark was stunned as soon as he realised what Robbie had just done. He was so stunned in fact that he couldn’t move. Thoughts were running through his mind at high speed and his heart had sped up to an alarming rate. What was Robbie doing?

Robbie had his eyes closed and his lips were still pressed against Mark’s as he kissed him. It was only after a few seconds that Robbie realised that Mark hadn’t moved. He instantly knew that this had been a bad idea, he knew that Mark would never feel the same and that doing this had done more harm than good. Maybe he should have just told him instead. Or maybe, he should have just kept it to himself.

Robbie quickly pulled away and looked down, unable to even look at Mark. He knew he had just messed everything up. What had he been thinking?

He slowly looked up at Mark who was staring at him with wide eyes. His breathing was slightly quicker than normal and Robbie just hoped that he wasn’t angry with him. Though, if he was, Robbie wouldn’t be surprised.

“I... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” Robbie said as he quickly looked away from Mark.

Mark didn’t move and continued to stare at him. He didn’t know what to say, he was completely speechless after what had just happened.

“I’ve messed everything up, I’m sorry Mark.” Robbie said as he put his head in his hands. Mark then realised that he had to say something to sort this out.

“Robbie,” Mark started. “I... What was that for?” He asked eventually. Robbie looked up at Mark who still had a look of shock plastered on his face. He knew he was going to have to tell him now; there was no way he could get out of this; not after what he had just done.

“Are you sure you can’t remember what I told you a couple of weeks ago?” Robbie asked, but Mark shook his head. “I said I loved you.” Robbie admitted slowly, making sure that Mark heard him.

“You always say that though,” Mark said, trying to brush off what Robbie had said.

“Not like that I don’t.” Robbie said. “And I don’t say it that often.”

“I don’t understand, Rob.” Mark said. Robbie sat up straight and took Mark’s hands into his.

“OK, listen, I should have told you this years ago, but I was always too scared and kept putting it off. The reason I’m telling you now though, is because it’ll be my last chance to do so. If I don’t finally tell you now, I’ll never tell you and you’ll never know how I really feel.” Robbie said. Mark just looked at him. “Mark, I... I love you. I always have. I love you more than I should.” Robbie finally told him. He suddenly felt like a lot of weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

Mark stared at him, unable to think of anything to say. His silence made Robbie feel uncomfortable and all Robbie wanted was for Mark to say something – anything.

“You love me?” Mark asked slowly, Robbie nodded.

“Yes,” he said.

“For how long?”

“I think I first realised about 1993.” Robbie told him. “I should have said something to you back then, but I was 19, Mark, I didn’t know how.” Robbie looked down and Mark gently put his fingers under Robbie’s chin and slowly lifted his head up so Robbie’s eyes were level with his. Robbie lowered his eyes and Mark put his hand on Robbie’s cheek causing Robbie to look back up. As he did, Mark slowly leaned in and rested his forehead on Robbie’s before leaning in completely and locking their lips together.

Robbie was shocked for a second, but soon began to kiss back. It started off gentle and innocent, but just as it began to get more passionate, Mark began to pull away. He kept his forehead on Robbie’s and looked into his eyes. Robbie grinned at him and Mark’s face lit up for the first time in months as he couldn’t help but grin back.

“I’ve been in the same position as you for the last nineteen years.” Mark said after a while.

“How d’you mean?” Robbie asked.

“I realised that I was in love with you back in ’93 as well, but put it to one side because I didn’t really understand the concept of love at the time.” Mark told him. “I wish I had told you sooner.” Mark’s smile faded and he pulled away slightly. Robbie put his hand on Mark’s shoulder gently and looked at his friend. For a moment, it seemed like the old Mark had been back, but now he had gone away again.

“Mark? What’s the matter?” Robbie asked worriedly.

“We can’t be together can we, Rob? No matter how much we want it.” Mark said. “We’re both married now and I don’t have long left.” Mark said looking down at the ground.

“No we can’t. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have told each other how we feel.” Robbie said.

“Maybe, we shouldn’t have said anything to each other.”

“No, we should’ve told each other years ago.” Robbie said. “I know that there are things stopping us from being together, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am seriously in love with you. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ayda with all my heart, but I love you too.” Robbie told him. Mark looked him in the eye and Robbie couldn’t help but gently caress Mark’s cheek with his hand.

“What do we do?” Mark asked.

“We carry on.” Robbie said. Mark leaned on him and sighed. Robbie then wrapped his arms around Mark and placed a kiss to his hair.

“I love you, Rob.” Mark said quietly.

“I love you too, Marky.” Robbie replied.

The two of them stayed like that for a while, in silence, letting the wind blow over them. Soon the silence between the two of them started to become unbearable and Robbie looked down at Mark by his side.

“Mark, I’ve been thinking.” Robbie started making Mark look up at him with questioning eyes.

“What?”

“Well, why don’t we have some sort of band outing – just the five of us. I’m sure if we asked the others they would be up for it.” Robbie told him. “So what d’you think?”

“Band outing sounds good.” Mark smiled slightly at Robbie before putting his head on his shoulder and sighing contently.

...

A week later, once everything had sunk in, the five of them got together. It may sound a bit strange, but since the day Mark had received the bad news, the five of them hadn’t really seen each other together. Jason. Howard and Gary had popped round, but they never seemed to do it at the same time. Sometimes they would come on the same day, but never together. It hadn’t been a conscious decision, though; things had just turned out that way.

When they got together as a five, they spent the first couple of hours deciding where the hell they were going to go. Howard had suggested that they just get in the car and drive around aimlessly until they found somewhere that looked welcoming. However, Jason completely disagreed with that and said that they needed to have at least some idea to what they were going to do and, at the very least; they needed to know where they were going to stay. Howard had tried to argue back, saying that they couldn’t waste time by sitting here and planning. But before Jason could argue back, Gary put his hands up and shut the two of them up.

“Guys, don’t argue, please.” Gary shushed them. “Tell you what, why don’t we get in the car, start driving and discuss where we’re going to go on the road?” He suggested, hoping that they could just get a move on and do something that didn’t involve arguing.

“Good idea, Gaz.” Robbie said quickly before either Howard or Jason could reply. Like Gary he wanted to get a move on and really didn’t want to listen to Howard and Jason argue anymore. “Can we go now?” He asked eagerly.

“No wait, we can’t go, we have no idea which direction we’re going to go in.” Jason said. Mark put his head on the table and groaned.

“Can we just go now?” He asked. He was started to get a little annoyed with all this hanging back. He was so close to thinking that this hadn’t been a very good idea.

Jason sighed, defeated. “OK, let’s go.” He said and the five of them all climbed in Gary’s car before heading off into – pretty much – the unknown

...

“Right where are we going to go?” Gary asked after about ten minutes of driving. Jason was studying a map in the front of the car next to Gary and Howard and Robbie were in the back with Mark in the middle.

“After 200 yards, turn left.” Jason told him. Mark couldn’t help but let out a small giggle.

Jason turned to look at him. Mark’s giggle was almost strange sound to his ears. It had been a while since he had last heard it. He wondered if he was the only one who noticed that Mark seemed almost like himself since they had met up this morning.

“What are you giggling at?” Jason asked.

“You,” Mark said. “You sound like a bloody sat-nav.” He said.

“And that’s funny because...?”

“I just had a strange vision of me driving in my car with the sat-nav telling me what to do with your voice.” Mark told him. Jason just shook his head.

“Do you think there are settings on the sat-nav to make it sound like us?” Howard wondered.

“That would be cool, wouldn’t it? I could just imagine driving alone with Mark ordering me to turn right.” Robbie laughed. “After 400 yards, turn wight.” Robbie said trying his best to mimic Mark’s voice, but failing completely. Mark just wacked him, hard, on the arm and Robbie let out a small yelp before grabbing his arm where Mark had wacked him.

“Children, behave.” Gary said looking into the rear-view mirror so he could see the two trouble makers in the back of the car.

“Do I have to sit next to them?” Howard whined. Gary and Jason laughed while Mark and Robbie gave him a look.

The five of them were engulfed in silence for a minute or two before Gary re-asked his question.

“Where are we going to go?”

...

“Huntingdon? Whose idea was it to come to Huntingdon?” Robbie asked as he stepped out of the car. “There’s nothing here!”

“How do you know? You’ve ever been here before.” Howard said.

“Doug, have you never read ‘Crappiest Towns’? Or whatever it’s bloody called.” Robbie asked. “I think its number 38 out of 50 or something.”

“50 being the worst or the least worst?” Gary asked.

“Least worst – I think. What does it matter anyway?” Robbie huffed and lent on the car.

“I think we should stay here a little while. It seems nice enough.” Mark said looking around at their surroundings. They had parked near the river and there weren’t many people about. It seemed like a calm place and Mark liked that. Right now, he could do with some calm in his life.

“All right, fine, I give in. We’ll stay.” Robbie surrendered and Mark could’ve have kissed him and he would’ve done if they had been alone.

“Good, now, what are we going to do while we’re here?” Gary asked.

“I tell you what I’ve always wanted to do.” Jason said. The other four looked at him and waited for him to continue. “I’ve always wanted to have a look at Hinchingbrooke House.” He said. “Though, I don’t think we’d be able to get in.” He said.

“Why?” Robbie asked.

“Because it’s part of Hinchingbrooke School – it’s the Sixth Form house and its Tuesday, meaning there’s going to be students everywhere.” Jason told him.

“Oh...” Robbie said.

“We could always just drive past. I’m sure you’ll be able to see it like that.” Mark suggested. “I wouldn’t mind seeing it either really. I bet it’s an impressive building.”

“OK, let’s drive up to Hinchingbrooke then.” Gary said opening the car and getting in. The other four got back in as well and the five of them made their way up the road towards Hinchingbrooke.

The drive wasn’t very long at all. It only took them a few minutes really and with it being a weekday there wasn’t much traffic on the ring-road which made the drive smoother.

As they drove, Mark looked out of the window. He had decided that he would swap places with Robbie and sit at the window seat. He sat with his arm resting on the door and he watched as people walked and cycled past them in the car. He wondered what their live were like right now; wondered if they were in the same, or a similar, position as he was in. Though, he thought it unlikely that they were. Everyone they had past seemed like they didn’t have a care in the world – that nothing was wrong. But for all Mark knew, they could just be hiding what they were truly feeling. It was a strategy Mark was all too familiar with and he knew that it just made things worse in the end.

Mark was brought out of his thoughts as soon as he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see Robbie looking at him with concern.

“You all right?” He asked. Howard and Jason turned to look at them while Gary looked at him via the mirror.

“I’m fine, honest.” Mark gave a small smile, but Robbie wasn’t convinced.

“Come on Mark, you know full well that that does not work on me. I know when something’s up. Now spill, what you thinking about?” Robbie asked him. Mark sighed before answering.

“It’s gonna sound stupid, but as we passed people and they passed us, I thought about what their life might be like and whether they might be dealing with something life changing like me.” Mark said, not looking at any of them.

“It doesn’t sound stupid Mark. I’d probably do the same thing if I was in your position.” Jason told him. “We all know it’s not easy for you. You OK though?” Mark nodded.

“Guys, can we just try and forget about what’s going to happen and just enjoy our trip? I want to try and put it to one side for now and have fun. I want it to be just the five of us, not the five of us and this tumour, just the five of us. Like it was before.” Mark told them.

“OK,” Mark smiled a thanks to him friends and just let all his worries pass and concentrated on having fun on this trip.

“Jay, is that the house you were talking about?” Robbie asked after a moment of silence leaning across Howard to point out of the window on his left hand side.

Jason looked where Robbie was pointing and smiled. “Yeah that’s the one.” He said. The others looked out of the window at the tall house to their lefts. It was old – very old – and on the top was a flag pole with the Union Flag flying proudly from it.

“It’s pretty remarkable, isn’t it?” Mark said.

“Yeah, it is.” Gary replied. “The students are lucky they have such an iconic building as part of their school.”

“Let’s hope it doesn’t fall down.” Robbie laughed.

“Rob, the building’s been there for hundreds of years, I don’t think it’s gonna fall down any time soon.” Howard said. “And if it wasn’t safe, then I doubt they would allow students to use it.”

“I was joking.” Robbie said. “Gosh, can you guys take a joke.” He huffed. Mark just smiled at him.

Gary continued to drive up the road that passed the hospital. “Well, if it does fall down, Rob, at least there’s a hospital next door.” Gary said looking at the hospital as they passed.

“Fancy a walk?” Jason asked.

“Where?” Howard asked.

“Gary turn left up here.” Jason told him. Gary did as he was told and turned left. He then drove further down before coming to a car park in the middle of a load of trees.

“Country Park?” Mark asked. Jason nodded.

“We could do with some fresh air.” He said. Gary parked and the five of them got out of the car and began to walk down the path. There weren’t many people there, which was a God send. It meant they didn’t have to sign too many autographs. They signed a couple and every one they signed, the person would ask Mark how he was and Mark would smile at them and tell them that he was fine. It then dawned on him that they were going to have to public with what was happening sooner rather than later.

After a while, no-one else bothered them and the five of them walked down the paths together taking in the scenery around them. Mark started to search his pockets for his camera, but he couldn’t find them. He then realised that he had probably left it in his suitcase which was still in the car. He turned to the others.

“Any of you bring a camera?” He asked. Gary pulled a digital camera from his pocket and showed it to Mark. “Great! We can take pictures! I want to remember this day for the rest of my life.” There was a glee in Mark’s voice which hadn’t been there for a long time, but there was also the same sadness just about hidden underneath. They all knew that the rest of Mark’s life was not long at all, but no-one was going to mention it. One, because Mark had said he didn’t want his illness mentioned and two, none of them had the heart to.

“OK, right, how are we going to do this?” Gary asked looking at his camera and then at everyone else. “How are we supposed to get all five of us into this picture?”

Robbie looked around before grabbing the camera from Gary and, carefully, putting it on top of one of the branches and looking at it.

“Will that work?” He asked standing back.

“It might do.” Jason said. “There’s no harm in trying.”

Gary went round to the back of the camera and began to set it to automatic. He hoped it worked, but if it didn’t, the five of them still had a picture to put in a scrapbook at the end of the trip. They could always label it ‘failed attempt at a tree trying to get a picture of Take That’ or ‘this is why trees never take pictures...’ It would be something of a humorous memory that they could share.

“Right, that should go off in a minute.” Gary said. “Let’s get into positions.” The five of them stood in a huddle all facing the camera. Howard and Jason stood next to each other and Howard had wrapped an arm around Jason; Mark stood in front of Robbie, who had his arms wrapped around his middle and was resting his chin on Mark’s head and Gary stood in the middle of the four of them with his arms around Jason and Robbie.

“Say cheese.” Mark said.

“Cheeeeeessssssssseeeeeeeee,” all five of them said at the same time with grins on their faces just as the camera flashed taking the picture.

After the picture was taken, Gary went back over to the camera and took it off the tree before checking to see how the picture had turned out. Thankfully, it had turned out all right and it had all five of them in the frame grinning towards the camera. It was a perfect photo of the five of them; one which instantly became a favourite of Gary’s. He walked back over to the lads and showed them the picture. They, too, fell in love with it and couldn’t help but smile.

“Aww, that’s a great picture.” Howard said with a smile.

“Definitely one of our best.” Robbie grinned with an arm still wrapped tightly around Mark.                 

“I think we should buy a photo album or a scrapbook to put these in.” Jason said.

“Scrapbook,” Mark said. “That way we can all put little messages with it as well.”

“Great idea!” Gary grinned. The five of them then carried on with their walk. Gary held the camera, ready to take any photos that would be great to put in a scrapbook. Some of the ones he took were just of the scenery and others were of the scenery with one or two of the lads in the photo, either by accident or purposely trying to get in the way. For a little while Jason took the camera off Gary so they could be sure that they had at least one picture with him in it.

By the time they got back to the car, they were all pretty warn out. Howard, Mark and Robbie collapsed on to the back seats while Jason and Gary got in the car without falling on the seats, but as soon as they sat down they let out exhausted sighs.

“I’m knackered.” Gary said.

“Me too,” Jason sighed.

“Anyone know o any good hotels around here?” Robbie asked.

“There was one near where we parked originally, wasn’t there? Was it the Bridge hotel?” Howard asked.

“No idea, but I could do with a nap.” Mark said with his eyes closed as he rested his head on Robbie’s shoulder.

“All right then, let’s go find a hotel and all have a little bit of a rest.” Gary said starting the car and pulling out of the car park.

...

They entered the first hotel they found (which was this Bridge Hotel Howard had mentioned) and went to book. They left Jason in charge with the bookings, but just as he was about to say that they were going to need five rooms, Robbie interrupted him and said four.

“Four? There are five of us.” Jason said.

“I know, but I think it’ll be better if someone stays with Mark.” Robbie said. Jason nodded and booked four rooms instead of five.

They lugged their luggage up to the floor where the rooms where and Howard, Jason and Gary entered in three of the four rooms, leaving Mark and Robbie outside the last.

“I thought you and me could share. I didn’t really think you would want to be on your own.” Robbie said somewhat nervous.

Mark smiled at him before stepping on his tiptoes and placing a chaste kiss on Robbie’s lips. “Thank you.” He said before entering the room, pulling his suitcase in with him. Robbie followed him with a smile on his face and shut the door behind him.

“Nice room, eh?” Robbie said looking around.

“It ain’t bad. Only one bed though.” Mark noticed, though there seemed to be a looked in his eye that told Robbie he didn’t really see it as a problem.

“We’ll make do. You can sleep on the floor.” Robbie said sitting on the bed. Mark gave him a look and Robbie grinned. “I’m kidding Marky,”

Mark went over and sat on the bed next to Robbie he then rested his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes and sighing. “Today was great.” Mark said. “For the first time in months I’ve felt like myself. It felt good, like all the weight had been lifted off my shoulders.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed today. Part of the reason I asked you if we should do this was because I wanted you to be yourself, to just forget about everything for a while and have a laugh. I’m glad it’s paid off.”

Mark looked up at him and gently put a hand to his cheek. Robbie looked into Mark’s eyes and the two of them leaned in closer until the gap between them was closed and their lips met.

It started off gentle and soft before Robbie felt Mark deepening it. Robbie had no choice but to go with Mark. He put a hand on the small of Mark’s back and pulled him closer as he raised a hand to the back of Mark’s head and threaded his fingers through his hair. Mark had his arms wrapped around Robbie’s neck, pulling him in. Soon their lips were moving together in perfect harmony with tongues bashing against each other. It was a perfect moment for both of them; a moment they had been waiting for, for nineteen years. They knew it was wrong, but it felt so _right._

It was Robbie who pulled away first. Simply because of lack of air. He took in deep breaths and kept his forehead against Mark’s and smiled at him. Mark smiled back.

“I love you,” Robbie said.

“I love you, too.” Mark said before yawning.

“Tired?” Mark nodded. “How about you have a nap, eh?” Mark nodded again before lying down and closing his eyes. Robbie smiled at him before lying down next to him and wrapping his arms around the smaller man. Mark moved slightly and rested his head on Robbie’s chest. As Mark began to fall asleep, he smiled contently. He hadn’t felt this happy and worry-free for months and because of this, he fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.


	11. ELEVEN

**Chapter Eleven:**

Jason came out of his room and made his way downstairs. He had noticed that there was a sitting area downstairs and thought that he might take an opportunity to use it.

He entered the room and found that Howard and Gary were already down here. Other than the two of them, the room was completely empty when Jason walked in. He then made his way towards his friends and sat down on the sofa next to Howard.

“Not a bad hotel this.” Jason said as he sat down.

“No it’s not. It’s better than some of the places we’ve stayed in over the years.” Gary said looking around the room.

“There’s not many people here though, is there? I think I saw two other people since we’ve arrived and neither of them have come downstairs.” Howard told them.

“Some people like to stay in their rooms when the stay at a hotel.” Jason told him.

“True, I guess.”

“So anyway, any ideas on what we are going to do tomorrow?” Gary asked.

“We could hire a boat and take a trip down the river.” Howard suggested.

“That’s not a bad idea. Can anyone drive a boat?” Gary asked.

“I can.” Jason admitted. “I haven’t for a while though, but when I was a kid we used to go out all the time and I was taught how to.”

“Well, that’s settled then, we can take a boat trip down the... what’s the river called, Jay?” Howard turned to Jason.

“The Ouse.”

“We can take a boat trip down the Ouse.” Howard said with a grin. “D’you reckon Mark and Rob will be all right with that?” He asked.

“I would think so.” Gary said. “To be honest, I don’t think Mark’s too fussy about what we do, as long as he’s distracted from everything else, I think he’ll be fine. And as for Rob, I think as long as Mark’s happy, he’ll be happy.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Jason said. “Where are they anyway?”

“Probably in their room.” Howard said. “They’re sharing, right?”

“Yeah, Rob said he thought it was best that someone stayed with Mark.” Jason said.

“Mark’s probably having a nap; he was pretty tired when we got back to the car.” Gary said. “And Rob’s either napping or just keeping Mark company while he sleeps.”

“I swear, sometimes the two of them could be regarded as a couple.” Howard laughed as did Jason and Gary as well.

“Tell you what, why don’t we go and get the two of them and make our way to wherever we can get a boat from.” Jason suggested. “I think its best that we make sure we get everything sorted today before we go tomorrow.” He told them. Howard and Gary nodded in agreement before the three of them made their way up to the hotel room that Mark and Robbie were sharing.

Gary knocked on the door, hoping that one of them would answer. However, no-one came. He knocked again and this time he could hear the sound of someone shuffling across the floor towards the door.

The door opened a moment later and Robbie stood on the other side looking at the three of them with tired eyes.

“You do realise we’re trying to sleep here?” Robbie said, slightly annoyed about being woken up.

“Sorry mate, but we’ve come to tell you and Mark something.” Howard said as Robbie let the three of them in the room.

“OK,” Robbie said as he shut the door behind them. “But be quiet, Marky’s still asleep.” Robbie told them nodding over to where Mark lay on the bed fast asleep. The others smiled at him before Jason spoke.

“We’ve been thinking about what we want to do tomorrow and we came up with the idea that we should take a trip down the Ouse in a boat. We thought you might like to do that.” Jason said.

“Sounds good.” Robbie said as he sat down on the bed next to Mark, carefully.

“Cool. We also thought it would be best if the five of us went to find out where we can get a boat from and how long we can have it for.” Jason told him.

“All right, I’ll wake Mark up.” Robbie said. “We going now?”

“Might as well.” Howard told him. Robbie nodded and turned to Mark.

“I don’t really want to wake him up.” Robbie said.

“You can stay here with him if you want.” Gary said. However, Robbie just shook his head.

“No, Mark’ll want to come. It’s just, when he’s asleep it’s the only time he really seems calm and carefree.” Robbie told them.

“We know, but come on; you’d better wake him up now if he wants to come.” Jason told him. Robbie nodded and began to gently shake Mark’s shoulder in an attempt to wake him.

“Marky, time to wake up now. Come on, mate.” Robbie said as he gently shook him. Mark groaned before opening his eyes and looking at Robbie as his eyes readjusted. “Hey, you all right? Had a nice nap?” Mark nodded as he sat up and yawned.

“How long we been asleep?” Mark asked as he rubbed at his eyes.

“No idea.” Robbie told him honestly.

Mark stopped rubbing his eyes and noticed the other three standing in the room with them. He gave them all a small smile before waving at them. “Hi guys.” He said. “What you all doing in here? Did you get chucked out of your rooms or sommin?” Mark asked them as he made his way from the bed.

“No, we came to see you two. We’ve thought about what we should do tomorrow and we thought it would be best to make sure everything was sorted out today, so tomorrow we don’t have to do any of the hard stuff.” Howard said. Mark nodded.

“OK, what are we doing tomorrow?” He asked.

“We thought we might take a trip up the Ouse on a boat. What d’you think? We don’t have to do that, if you want to do something else, we can.” Gary told him.

“Boat trip sounds great.” Mark said with a smile.

“Great.” Jason said with a smile. “Tell you what, we’ll let the two of you get ready and we’ll meet you in the lounge in about ten minutes.”

“Yeah, OK, sounds good. See you in about ten minutes then.” Mark said. Howard, Gary and Jason smiled at both Mark and Robbie, who smiled back, before making their way out of the room and shutting the door behind them, leaving Mark and Robbie on their own once more.

Mark yawned before making his way to a mirror so he could sort his hair out before they left. He knew that it would be a mess by now and there was no way he was going out looking like he’d spend the afternoon with Jedward.

“Marky, you OK?” Robbie asked. Mark finished playing with his hair and turned to face Robbie standing behind him.

“Yeah, why do you ask?” Mark asked.

“It’s just... I dunno, it’s just... I’m worried about you Marky.” Robbie said and Mark made his way over to him. “I’m scared for you.” Mark looked up at Robbie before engulfing him into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around Robbie’s neck and pulling him closer towards him. Robbie tightly wrapped his arms around Mark’s waist and held him to him, not wanting to let go.

“It’s OK, Rob. Please don’t be scared.” Mark whispered in his ear. “Please, stay strong, yeah? I can’t do this without you.”

“OK, I promise. It’s just... every time I see you smile, or hear you laugh I think: Soon, there’s going to be a day where I’m never going to be able to see or hear that again. I can’t imagine life without you.” Robbie tightened his grip on Mark and Mark couldn’t help but do the same.

“Sshh, everything will be all right.” Mark told him. “I love you, Robbie.”

“I love you too Mark.”

Mark pulled away slightly and looked at Robbie. Both men had red eyes, looking as if they were about to cry, but they both managed to control themselves and Mark smiled up at Robbie, making him smile back.

“Look, come on, let’s go meet the others downstairs now and find a boat for tomorrow.” Mark said, grabbing his jacked from the other end of the room. He also grabbed Robbie’s as well and chucked it over to him. “You coming?” Robbie smiled at Mark as he caught his jacket and followed him out of the room. “Tell you what; let’s hope none of us discover we’re suddenly seasick.” Mark said. Robbie couldn’t help but laugh as he followed Mark down the stairs and into the lounge.

...

Howard, Jason and Gary were already in the lounge, waiting, when Mark and Robbie came down from upstairs.

“Right, we’re ready.” Robbie said. “Shall we go?”

“Yep, let’s get going.” Gary said and the five of them made their way out of the hotel and back towards the car, which they had parked outside.

...

“Why is it I am always the one getting squashed in the middle?” Mark moaned as he sat in the middle of the car getting squashed by Robbie and Howard every time they turned a corner.

“Because you’re the small one.” Robbie told him with a grin. Mark just gave him a look of death.

“Rob’s got a point Marky. If one of us went in the middle we probably wouldn’t fit.” Jason told him.

“And also, we can stop you from sliding everywhere.” Howard said with a smile. Mark just looked at him.

“I’m not that small guys! God, for the last twenty-two years all you’ve done is made fun of my height! It’s annoying! Yes, I am small, get over it!” The four of them could tell Mark was annoyed at them and they felt bad. It was just a harmless joke, but obviously it had probably been a bit much for Mark at the moment. The car went into silence and after a few seconds, Robbie put a hand on Mark’s shoulder.

“Sorry Marky didn’t mean to hurt you.” Robbie said. “You OK?” Mark nodded and Howard and Jason turned to look at him while Gary looked through the rear-view mirror.

“I’m fine. I just overreacted. I’m still a little tired I guess.” Mark said rubbing his eyes. Robbie gently ruffled Mark’s hair and Mark couldn’t help but giggle, knowing that his hair was now sticking up all over the place.

“I think we could all do with an early night tonight.” Gary said.

“Yeah, good idea.” Howard said

“Might go to sleep when we get back.” Mark said sleepily, resting his head on Robbie’s shoulder. “I hate getting so tired easily, I’m getting old.” Mark said with a small smile. “Rob, beware, as soon as you hit 40 all those nights that you didn’t sleep in as a kid are gonna come back and haunt ya.” Mark said with a yawn.

“Ha-ha, I’ll watch out for that.” Robbie said.

“Good, cos I’m not gonna be around to do it or you.” The car went silent again at the realisation at what Mark had just said. Robbie wasn’t 40 for another two years, meaning that Mark had no chance of being there. It wasn’t a thought any of them wanted to think about right now, but it still made its way into their minds for a split second before Howard coughed, bringing everyone out of their thoughts.

“Gaz, do you have any idea to where you’re going?” He asked.

“Err... No not really. Though, I’m following the river until we find anywhere that looks like we might be able to rent a boat from.” Gary said as they continued to drive around.

Eventually, Robbie saw some sort of boat place to the right hand side of the road. He pointed to it and got the other’s attentions.

“Guys, over there. I saw a boat.” He said. Gary turned right at his next opportunity and the five of them made their way towards a load of boats.

“Whoa, that’s a lot of boats.” Mark said as he saw the amount of boats that were right in front of him. Howard laughed.

“Trust Mark to be amazed by boats.” Howard said. Mark just continued to stare out of the window.

“Ooh... that one looks nice.” Jason said pointing to a rather large boat as they drove round, trying to find a place to park. “Bet it’s expensive though.” He said.

“Jay come on, forget about the price. This is one of the last things we’re going to do as a band so let’s just go out and have fun.” Robbie said rolling his eyes.

“He’s got a point Rob; we don’t want to spend too much.” Gary said and Howard, Mark and Robbie all rolled their eyes. Trust Gary to be tight with money.

“Y’know, I think I may have found a use with being in the middle.” Mark said as he leaned over and wacked Gary around the head with his hand.

“Ow! Mark that hurt!” Gary whined.

“Well then, forget about how much things cost for one day you tight git.” Mark said with a smile.

“Urgh, fine.” Gary gave in for once and Mark patted the top of his head.

“Good Gary,” Mark said with a grin before sitting back in his seat. The smile on his face not once fading.

...

The five of them got out the car and made their way to have a look at all the boats that they could get. They walked over to the ‘Rent’ section and began to have a nose around. They split up into two groups, which had been an unconscious decision and Gary, Howard and Jason realised after about a minute of being with the boats, they had managed to lose Mark and Robbie.

“What about this one?” Howard asked pointing to a smallish white boat in front of him.

“Howard, that thing couldn’t fit Mark on it. Let alone five people.” Jason said.

“Better not let Mark hear you say that.” Gary warned. “He’ll have ya!”

“Where has he gone anyway? And where’s Rob as well?” Jason asked looking around for their two friends.

“They’ve probably wandered off somewhere together.” Howard said. “I’m sure they’re fine.”

“I’m sure they are, I was just wondering where they managed to go in such a short amount of time.” Jason said as he turned back to the small boat that they were looking at.

“Probably found the most expensive boat going.” Gary said. Howard and Jason just laughed.

“Hey, you two, what about this one?” Jason said as he walked over to another boat and beckoned the other two over to him.

“Old; small... is it me or have I just started describing you?” Robbie said with a cheeky glint in his eye. Mark whacked him one and Robbie yelped. “Ow, I was joking! Y’know for a little guy, you have one hard hit.” He said.

“Yeah, there’s more where that came from.” Mark said and Robbie didn’t doubt that for a second.

“So anyway, seen anything you like?” Robbie asked as they looked at about the forth boat since managed to break away from the other three.

“No, they all the same and I don’t think any of them are going to fit five people on them.” Mark said as he looked around the corner to get a better look at one of the boats.

“I’m sure we’ll find something. Maybe, if we’re lucky, the others have already found a decent boat and our waiting for us to return so they can show us.” Robbie said knowing that that wasn’t going to be the case, but it was still some hope.

“I doubt it.” Mark said. “No-one I know can find a decent boat in that length of time.”

“How many people do you know who go looking for boats?” Robbie asked.

“None...” Mark suddenly looked at Robbie. “But that’s beside the point.” He told him before making his way to the next boat along. Robbie just shook his head at him.

...

It felt like an age before the five of them met up again and finally decided on a boat that they would use for tomorrow. Also, they began to plan their route for tomorrow. Originally, the lads had thought about going down to Cambridge, but soon found out that that was not going to be possible and so they decided to just follow the river until they thought it best to turn back.

Gary had his phone out and was checking to see what they might come across while on the river. He discovered that there was an Inn that they would pass. It was called ‘The Old Ferry Boat’ and all five of them decided straight away that they would stop off their and get a bit to eat before heading back.

“Right, I think that’s sorted.” Jason said.

“Yep, I think we’re ready for tomorrow.” Howard smiled.

“What are we supposed to do now?” Mark asked not wanting to just do nothing until tomorrow morning.

“No idea, what’s the time?” Robbie asked. Gary checked his watch.

“Nearly dinner time. Maybe we should head back to the hotel and grab something to eat. There’s not a lot we can do now and I don’t think any of us have the energy to anyway.” Gary said. “Well, I certainly don’t. Dunno about you four.”

“No, I think we’re all tired.” Howard said speaking for the rest of them, who just nodded with him.

“Come on then, let’s make our way back.” Mark said as he began to walk back to the car. “The boat will still be here when we come back tomorrow.” He smiled and the others jogged to catch up with him.

...

When the five of them returned to the hotel they sat down at one table and had dinner, before they all decided that they would turn in for the night. It was still early, but they were all exhausted. It was times like these when they remembered that they weren’t kids anymore and that their last tour had worn them out like never before.

As soon as Mark got into the room he was sharing with Robbie, he jumped on top of the bed and sprawled out of his front, before letting out a loud sigh and closing his eyes with a smile on his face.

Robbie came in a second later and grinned when he saw Mark on the bed. He shut the door and made his way towards the bed.

“You’re sleeping on the floor tonight.” Mark said, his voice muffled by the pillows.

“Oh am I now?” Robbie asked with a cheeky tone in his voice. He stood by the bed with his arms folded looking at Mark with an eyebrow raised.

“Yes,” Mark replied. He still had a smile on his face and his eyes were still closed. Robbie just shook his head at Mark before sitting on the bed where he found space and gently pushing Mark over. Mark tried to fight back, but Robbie was too strong for him and he found himself almost sliding across the bed.

Robbie then lay down on the bed next to Mark and grabbed the smaller man around the waist. Mark then found himself being pulled back the way he came and opened his eyes to see Robbie grinning down at him.

“Urgh, fine you win.” Mark groaned, but there was a smile on his face.

“Good, cos there was no way I was going to sleep on that floor.” Robbie said pointing down at the carpet.

“I wasn’t really going to let you.” Mark said.

“Sure.” Robbie said with a smile. Mark just smiled back at him. “You staying there all night like that, or are you going to get changed at some point?” Robbie asked.

“Too tired to even think about getting up.” Mark said. Robbie just laughed. He let go of Mark’s waist and turned on his back, wrapping an arm around Mark’s shoulders. Mark then moved so he could rest his head on Robbie’s shoulder.

“Well, I think I might go and get changed now.” Robbie let go of Mark and gently moved so he could get up. He then grabbed his pyjamas from his suitcase before making his way into the bathroom. Mark sat up and rubbed his tired eyes. He then decided that he might as well get changed quickly before Robbie came back in. So he got up and grabbed his own pyjamas before putting them on and getting under the covers.

Once he was settled he hugged the duvet to himself and closed his eyes. He could feel himself falling asleep, but just before he fell to sleep completely, the bathroom door opened and Robbie came back out, now ready for bed. He then looked at Mark and smiled.

“So you decided to get changed after all then?” He asked, Mark nodded with a smile on his face, but didn’t open his eyes. “So, gonna budge up then?” Robbie asked finding that Mark had taken up all the room on the bed. Mark didn’t say anything and moved across the bed, giving Robbie space to get in. However, he also decided to take the duvet with him and Robbie lay down on the bed and looked at him. “Mark, mate, can I please have some duvet?” Robbie asked. Mark just shook his head with a smile on his face and continued to hug the duvet to himself. Robbie had no choice but to tickle Mark until he let go. He began to tickle Mark and eventually, Mark let go of the duvet in fits of laughter and Robbie took his chance to take the duvet and make sure it was covering both of them.

“Hey,” Mark said opening his eyes and looking at Robbie.

“Hey, to you too. I do need cover as well y’know. God, sharing a bed with you is going to be a nightmare. I think the last time we did this was in the 90s and that was a nightmare an’ all.” Robbie said ruffling Mark’s hair. Mark just stared at him with dagger eyes. “Love you really, Marky. Now go to sleep.”

“Can I have a hug?” Mark asked. He was suddenly feeling in a hug mood and knew he wasn’t going to get any sleep without one.

Robbie smiled softly at Mark and brought the smaller man into a tight hug, his arms wrapped tightly around him. Mark wrapped his arms around Robbie and snuggled up to him as close as he could. He then let out a happy sigh and closed his eyes again.

“Comfortable?” Robbie asked and he felt Mark nod against his chest.

“Very,” Mark replied quietly. Robbie smiled down at the small man, falling sleep. He then placed a kiss to Mark’s hair, lingering for a while before finally pulling away and resting his head on the pillow properly and closing his eyes, happy to be holding the man he loved in his arms as they both slept.


	12. TWELVE

**Chapter Twelve:**

Mark awoke the next morning and found himself lying – pretty much – on top of Robbie, who was still fast asleep. He sat up slightly and looked at Robbie before smiling sadly down at him. He was worried about Robbie; worried about what would happen to him after he died. The last thing he wanted was for Robbie to start having to battle his demons again. Mark didn’t know what he would do if he ever found it was his fault. He couldn’t exactly kill himself, he would already be dead.

He lay back down, but couldn’t get back to sleep. He lay with his head on Robbie’s chest and stared out of the window, at the sky. There were clouds in the sky today, but they were white, not black, so it wasn’t going to rain. Though, if it did, Mark wouldn’t care. He just wanted to go on a nice boat trip with his four best friends and have a laugh. Rain was not going to spoil anything, not anymore.

Eventually, Mark sat up and slowly got out of the bed. He needed to go outside and get some air. The day was calling him. He didn’t want to waste any time in sitting around doing nothing in a hotel room. He grabbed his clothes from his suitcase and went in the bathroom to get ready for the day,

When he came out, he found that Robbie was still asleep. If he just went outside for a little while and then came back, Robbie would never know that he had gone out and wouldn’t worry. Though, maybe he should leave a note for him, just in case.

Mark grabbed a pen from the table and grabbed something that resembled paper, before scribbling down a note for Robbie if he woke up before he returned. He left it on the bed next to Robbie before grabbing his jacket and making his way out of the room and out of the hotel where he then walked across the road to the park area by the river.

It was a fairly warm morning and Mark noticed that there weren’t that many cars on the road yet, meaning it was still fairly early.

It hadn’t rained in the last couple of days, but Mark still decided to check to see if the grass was wet before he sat down. After sitting down, Mark looked out at the river before moving so he was lying on his back facing the sky. Just watching the clouds move slowly in the sky had become a habit of Mark’s. It made him feel more relaxed and almost made him forget all his worries – almost.

Mark couldn’t help but smile as he saw a group of birds flew above his head. Mark assumed that they were coming back from the south now that it was spring.

Not long later, Mark began to feel himself drift off again. He closed his eyes and a small smile crept across his face.

...

Robbie awoke and found that he was alone. He looked around the room, but couldn’t see any sign of Mark whatsoever. He sat up and suddenly noticed something on the bed next to him. It was a small bit of paper with writing on it. He picked it up and read it:

_‘Just popped outside for a bit; couldn’t sleep. Left this note because I didn’t want you to worry._

_Love Mark.’_

Robbie got out of the bed and made his way into the bathroom with his clothes. Even though Mark had said he didn’t want him to worry, Robbie still did. He wasn’t worried about where Mark had gone, he was worried about Mark in general and he hadn’t stopped worrying about him for months now.

As soon as he came out the bathroom, he made his way downstairs. He quickly peered into the lounge area to see if Howard, Jason or Gary were in there, but found that none of them had come out of their rooms yet.

Robbie looked at the clock; it was just turning seven so he knew that the others wouldn’t be up for at least an hour yet. After having read the time, Robbie left the hotel and set out to finding Mark.

Finding him wasn’t exactly hard. As soon as Robbie had read the note Mark had left him, he knew that Mark was likely to be somewhere outside where it was fairly quiet. Though, bearing in mind that they were right by a road, quiet wasn’t exactly going to be what you would expect. However, the park seemed like the most feasible place that Mark would be and sure enough, that was exactly where Robbie found him.

Having spotted Mark lying on the grass, not far from the river, Robbie made his way over to him and lay down beside him.

Mark had obviously felt Robbie’s presence, because as soon as he lay down next to him, Mark opened his eyes and turned his head to look at his best friend looking at him.

“You OK?” Robbie asked gently. Mark looked back up at the sky before answering and Robbie had a strange feeling of Déjà Vu.

“Yeah, I’m OK. I just couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d come out here.” Mark told him.

“Mark, I want you to know that you can talk to us. If you ever feel too scared then just talk about it.” Robbie told him.

“I know, thank you.” Mark looked across at Robbie and smiled at him. “Y’know, I don’t know what I’d do without you Rob; or what I’d be.”

“Well, you wouldn’t have to put up with me being such a lousy friend now, would you?” Robbie laughed, but Mark just looked at him. When Robbie realised that Mark was laughing with him, he stopped at looked at Mark in the eye.

“Don’t you dare think that Robbie! You are not a lousy friend; you have been there for me throughout this. If it wasn’t for you, I probably wouldn’t have made it through the last few months.” Mark told him sternly, hating the fact that Robbie always thought that he wasn’t good enough for Mark.

“OK, I’ll try. Sorry Mark.” Robbie said.

“It’s OK. Just please, don’t ever think that you haven’t been there for more or that you haven’t done enough, because you have.”

“All right,”

“You’re my best friend Robbie and I love you.” Mark told him. He then rested his head on Robbie’s chest as Robbie brought him in closer. Robbie smiled down at Mark.

“I love you too, Mark.” Mark smiled back up at him and moved his hand so it was resting on Robbie’s chest with his head.

The two of the lay like that for a while, both liking the warmth of the air with the occasional breeze and the musical sound of birds chirping.

Eventually, Robbie looked down at Mark carefully moved the hair out of his eyes, finding that Mark had fallen back to sleep. He smiled at the smaller man and carefully moved so he could pick him up and carry him inside.

As Robbie walked up the stairs and across the landing to their room with Mark still asleep in his arms, he bumped into Jason coming out of his room.

“Rob, what’s wrong with Mark?” Jason asked immediately, clearly worried that something might have happened.

“Don’t worry, he’s fine. He’s just sleeping.” Robbie reassured him.

“Good, had me worried there.” Jason smiled a relieved smile and Robbie made his way to the door.

“Jay, can you get my key out of my pocket and unlock the door? Robbie asked. Jason nodded and did what he said. As soon as the door was open, Robbie made his way inside with Mark and put him on the bed. Jason followed him in and watched as Robbie made sure Mark was comfortable.

“What were you doing anyway?” Jason asked as Robbie stood up straight.

“Mark went out before I woke up, said he couldn’t sleep and once I realised where he might have gone I went to go find him. All we did was lay on the grass by the river and look up at the sky.” Robbie told him and Jason nodded.

“Mark’s way of relaxing I guess.” Jason said and Robbie nodded.

“Yeah, I think so. He’s done it a lot since being diagnosed and to be honest, I can understand why. It is actually very relaxing.” Robbie smiled.

“Might try it myself.” Jason said with a smile.

“You should do.” Robbie told him. “Anyway, what time are we leaving?” Robbie asked.

“Soon I would think. Gary and Howard haven’t woken up yet – or rather they have, they just haven’t come out of their rooms yet.” Jason said.

“Tell you what, you go knock on Howard and I’ll go knock on Gary and we can tell them both to hurry up.” Robbie said.

“What about Mark?”

“He’ll be OK on his own.” Robbie said.

“I know, what I meant was, when are we going to wake him up?”

“After we get Howard and Gary out of their rooms. Mark seems to already be ready, I think all he needs is breakfast and then we can get going. The other two of the other hand kinda need to come out of their rooms so we know they’re ready to go.”

“Good point. Come on then.”

The two of them made their way out of Robbie and Mark’s room, leaving the door open slightly for Mark.

Jason knocked on Howard’s door at the same time Robbie knocked on Gary’s. It wasn’t long before both men opened their doors and looked at who had knocked.

“All right, I’m coming. God, so impatient, you are.” Gary moaned as soon as he realised why Robbie was at his door. “Where’s Mark?” He asked.

“Asleep.” Robbie told him.

“Still?”

“Yeah – well no, he woke up earlier and went out. I went out as well, found him; stayed with him for a while; he fell asleep and I brought him back in. Don’t worry though; he’s pretty much already ready.” Robbie told him.

“Oh right. Well come on then, let’s get a move on. I think breakfast is in order before we leave.” Gary said with a smile.

“OK, I’ll go wake Marky up.” Robbie said with a grin. He then went across the hall to his and Mark’s room.

Gary looked across the hall and saw Jason and Howard by Howard’s door. Howard had just disappeared back into his room, having forgotten something, but reappeared shortly after. Gary then shut his own door and walked over to the two of them.

“Morning,” Jason said with a smile, Howard mumbled a ‘morning’ as well, but Gary could barely understand him with his key in his mouth as he zipped up his indoor jacket.

“Morning to you too.” Gary said, smiling. “Ready for today?” He asked.

“Yeah, looking forward to it.” Howard said. “I think it’s gonna be fun.”

“Come on then. Let’s go and wait downstairs for Mark and Robbie. They shouldn’t be too much longer, I wouldn’t have thought.” Jason said and the three of them made their way down to the restaurant part of the hotel for some breakfast.

...

“Mark, wake up now.” Robbie said as he gently shook Mark, who was still sleeping soundly on the bed. “Come on Marky, wakey, wakey.” Mark groaned as he began to stir and eventually opened his eyes.

“What’s the time?” Mark asked as he began to sit up.

“No idea, but we’re leaving soon. I think the others have probably already gone down for breakfast. Are you about ready to go?” Robbie said. Mark nodded and sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed the remaining sleep out of his eyes.

“Are we leaving straight after breakfast?” Mark asked as he stood up and made his way to the mirror so he could sort out his still fairly short hair.

“I believe so, so hurry up cos I’m hungry.” Robbie smiled and Mark laughed slightly.

Once Mark had finished with his hair, the two of them made their way down to where Gary, Jason and Howard were sitting. The three of them were already eating when Mark and Robbie sat down with them, but they had only just started, so Robbie and Mark weren’t too behind.

“Morning you two.” Howard said with a smile as he bit into some toast that was on the table.

“Morning,” Mark replied.

“Sleep well?” Gary asked. Mark shrugged and Gary smiled sympathetically at him.

“Right, where’s the food cos I’m starved.” Robbie asked. Gary smiled and pointed behind him. Robbie nodded and took Mark’s hand and lead him over to the where there was cereal and fruit.

In actual fact, Mark wasn’t that hungry so just decided to take an apple from the bowl and wait for Robbie to finish filling his bowl up with coco pops and milk. When finished, Robbie looked over at Mark who was standing next to him.

“Is that all you’re having?” He asked noticing the apple in Mark’s hand.

“I’m not really that hungry.” Mark said. Robbie nodded and put a hand on Mark’s shoulder and squeezed it gently before the two of them made their way back to the table and sat down to eat.

“Not hungry or something Mark?” Jason asked. Mark just shook his head and took a bite from his apple.

“Not really, don’t worry though, I’m all right.” Mark said. He knew that the others were clearly worried about him not eating much, but that was the last thing he wanted. And he was being honest anyway; he did feel all right, he just wasn’t feeling very hungry.

“All right, but take some snacks just in case you get hungry later.” Gary told him. Mark just cocked his head and gave Gary a look.

“Gary...” Mark said in a warning tone.

“What?”

“Are you sure they won’t be for you?” Mark asked with a small smile on his face.

“Oi, don’t be cheeky. Eat you’re apple.” Gary said, Mark just laughed. “I tell you, being cheeky gets you nowhere.” Gary said, Robbie looked at him.

“Excuse me?” Robbie said with a cheeky smile.

“OK, it gets you nowhere unless you’re Robbie Williams.” Gary corrected himself.

“Thank you, though I think you’re forgetting that Mark here has also got far with being cheeky.” Robbie said looking at Mark who was grinning like a child.

“Oh all right, being cheeky gets you nowhere unless you’re Robbie Williams or Mark Owen. Oh hold on, I’ve just... Oh... forget it.” Gary said with a shake of his head, the others just laughed.

“Gaz, I think you should save your ‘being cheeky gets you nowhere’ speech and use it on someone that’s not either Mark or Rob.” Howard said.

“I figured that...” Gary said.

“Anyway, are we all nearly done?” Jason asked changing the subject.

“Yeah,” Robbie said finishing his bowl of cereal just as Mark took one more bite out of his apple before putting the core in Robbie’s empty bowl.

“Good, let’s go.” Howard said, standing up. Everyone else stood up as well and made their ways up to their rooms to make sure they had everything before heading back out of the hotel and to the car.

...

Being the one who was responsible for steering the boat; before they left, Jason made sure he knew what he was doing and where everything was and what it was used for. It had been ages since he had done something like this, but was surprised at how easy he remembered everything and even picked up a couple of new things that he didn’t know before.

While he was busy making sure everything was set, the others stood had a quick look around the boat. It was fairly big and very white, but it was a stunning boat. There was a sleeping area, but they didn’t think they would be using that as they were only planning on using the boat until the evening. But it may come in use if any one of them wanted a nap or something.

After having spent a short time looking at the boat, the four of them made their way to where Jason was just starting up the boat ready for the start of their trip. Jason smiled at them as they appeared in front of him.

“Hey, you guys ready?” He asked.

“Yep.” Mark said with a smile.

“What he said.” Robbie told him, also smiling.

“All right then, let’s get this thing going.” Jason started the boat and they slowly began to make their way down the river. Once they were going at a steady speed, Mark made his way to the edge of the boat and watched the scenery as they passed by.

The wind had picked up a tad since they had started the boat up, but Mark liked that. The cool breeze was refreshing and mind clearly. Since October, Mark had come to like the wind more and had even started to welcome it more and more. He also welcomed the hot weather as he knew he was able to just sit outside all day and not worry about getting too cold. The only thing he didn’t welcome, and had never welcomed, was the rain. It was the only thing, other than the cold weather, that had stopped Mark from being able to stay outside all day. And besides, it just made things seem more miserable and that really wasn’t any help to Mark right now.

Mark was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t notice when Gary came up behind him and stood by the edge of the boat next to Mark.

When Mark had realised that someone was next to him, he looked over and smiled. Gary smiled back and Mark turned to look out at the scenery again.

“Nice isn’t it?” Gary said.

“Yeah, it is.” Mark replied.

“Mark, are you sure you’re OK?” Gary asked, Mark turned to look at him. “You seem to have gone quiet all of a sudden.”

“I’m fine, Gaz, really. I was just thinking that’s all.” Mark told him.

“About what?”

“Nothing much, just the weather really.”

“I see,” Gary nodded.

“It’s like, when it’s windy, it clears my head and I feel better; when it’s sunny and warm I can spend the whole day laying on the grass if I wanted to; when it’s cold, but sunny, I can’t go outside, but I can still admire the way the sun shines on the ground, making the frost or snow glisten if it’s there.” Mark told him.

“I’m guessing you don’t like the rain much.” Gary said, Mark shook his head.

“No, the rain just makes me feel worse. I can’t go outside and look up at the sky, cos it’s wet and all there’s to look at is black clouds. It also just makes everything feel depressing and that really doesn’t help. Cos when the weather’s depressing I get depressed and I land up spending the whole day in my room doing nothing cos I can’t go outside without getting soaked.” Mark explained.

“I know what you mean. I guess the weather does have an effect on moods.”

“It’s had more of an effect on me since I became ill.” Mark admitted, but Gary already knew this anyway. “Anyway,” Mark said changing the subject with a lighter tone in his voice. “How are you liking the trip?” He asked.

Gary had been expecting Mark to change the subject and so smiled at him. “It’s great. What about you?”

“I love it. We should have done this before.” Mark said.

“Yeah, never got round to it I guess.”

“There’s lots of things we never got round to doing.” Mark said. “We never wrote a musical...”

“You and writing a bloody musical!” Gary laughed.

“What? It’s something different isn’t it?” Mark said. “I tell you what, when I’m gone, you guys have to write one.” Mark told him.

“Mark...”

“No, seriously! I’m gonna write a list for you of all the things I want you to try and do.” Mark told him. “And write a musical will be first on the list.”

Gary laughed. “OK, we’ll write a musical.” He shook his head and Mark looked at him.

“I’m series, otherwise I’m gonna haunt you until you do.”

“You do that,”

“I will then.” Mark laughed and Gary laughed with him. He then put a hand on Mark’s shoulder and the two of them made their way to where everyone was standing, smiles still on both men’s faces.

  
The five of them had absolutely no idea how long they had been on the boat, but they didn’t worry about that as soon enough, they arrived by the Inn that they had discovered the other day: ‘The Old Ferry Boat’. It was an impressive white building that sat by the riverside. The five of them looked at the outside eating area. Surprisingly, there was no-one eating or drinking outside. Maybe they were all inside. But then they remembered the fact that it was a work day, but still, lunch time?  
  
Jason managed to stop the boat and made sure it was secure before the five of them climbed off and walked up to the entrance. There were still a couple of puddles which had been left by the rain that had fallen the other day, but other than that, it was a picturesque place and all of them instantly fell in love with it.

“Let’s hope the food’s as good as nice as the area.” Gary said as they all entered throw the front door.

Inside it was fairly dark and there was a low ceiling. There were seating areas in all directions with the bar on the left hand side of the room as you walked in. It wasn’t very busy, but there was still the low hum of talking from some of the tables and the music in the background made up for the rest.

As they walked up to the bar, Mark looked around with a smile on his face. Howard noticed this and looked at him.

“What are you smiling at?” He asked.

“The fact that I feel tall in here.” Mark answered and Howard laughed causing the others to turn and look at them.

“What are you two laughing at?” Gary asked.

“Nothing, just that Mark said he feels tall in here.” Howard said with a smile. The others couldn’t help but let out a small giggle.

“Anyway, shall we just order drinks for now, then get food later?” Jason suggested.

“Sounds good, I’ll have a coke.” Robbie said.

“Me too,” Mark answered.

“OK, what about you two?” Jason asked Howard and Gary. Both of them, too, said coke and so Jason ordered five cokes just as Howard, Robbie and Gary made their way outside to find a table. Mark stayed behind and offered to help Jason carry the drinks outside to the others.

“Right, where have they gone?” Jason wondered as he took three of the glasses and Mark took two.

“Hopefully to find a table that’s near the river.” Mark said.

“If not, then we’ll sit there and they can come to us. We’ve got the drinks after all.” Jason said with a smile. Mark grinned at him and laughed with his eyes.

The two of them made their way out of the Inn and towards the other three, who were now sitting at a table that was nearest to the river.

“Here we are.” Mark said as he and Jason put the drinks down on the table.

“Cheers guys.” Gary said as he took one of the glasses from the middle of the table.

For a while, the five of them sat around the table talking, laughing, drinking and eating their lunches whilst, occasionally, looking out at the river – to make sure the boat was still there, but also to just admire the view that they had next to them.

Since they had arrived at ‘The Old Ferry Boat’ the clouds in the sky had cleared and the warm April sun had come into view. Mark looked up at the sky and smiled. As soon as he had finished eating, he got up from the table and walked the short walk to the edge of the river. He stood on the bank and looked out at the mass of water in front of him.

He watched as a swan made its way down the river without a care in the world. As it passed, the swan looked over at him briefly and Mark couldn’t help but smile at it before it turned away again and continued to make its way down the river until Mark could no longer see it.

He was about to head back to the others when he noticed Howard coming up behind him. Howard smiled at him and Mark smiled back.

“Hey Marky, you OK?” Howard asked as he came up to the smaller man.

“Yeah, I’m OK, you?” Mark replied with a smile.

“Ah same old.” Howard told him, now standing next to Mark. “So enjoying today?”

“Yeah, I am. So glad the weather’s been nice.”

“The rain wouldn’t have stopped though, would it?” Howard said.

“No, but it would have just made things seem that little less happy.” Mark told him.

“Fair enough,”

There was a slight pause between the two of them before Mark spoke next. “What are we doing when we get back home tomorrow?” He asked.

“I dunno, whatever I guess.” Howard told him. “Is there anything you want to do in particular?”

“I know this is going to sound a bit out there, but I would like to take everyone out on a trip aboard. We don’t have to do it straight away, I mean we’ve got ten months, but that’s something I would like to do.” Mark said looking down at the ground.

“I don’t see why we can’t do that, after all booking a holiday a few months in advance isn’t going to be hard. Reckon you could get the kids out of school for a week or two during term time? Flights are always cheaper then.” Howard said.

“I could try. The school don’t really like it when we do that though.” Mark told him.

“Why don’t we book something for the week before the half term break and spend over a week there?” Howard suggested. Mark thought about this for a bit before smiling at Howard.

“You know, that’s not a bad idea. All I’ve gotta do now, is talk to everyone else and convince Emma to let me buy that amount of tickets.” Mark said.

“Mark, there are four of you. You, Emma, Elwood and Willow. How many more tickets do you need man?” Howard asked, having not realised what Mark had meant by ‘everyone’.

“Doug, when I said ‘everyone’, I meant ‘everyone’. Em, the kids, you, Jay, Rob, Gaz, Dawn and their kids. If you want, you could bring Grace and Lola.” Mark said.

“Mark, don’t you just want to spend time with your own family?” Howard asked. Mark looked down.

“I want to spend time with everyone.” Mark told him.

“I get that Mark, but don’t you think you should spend some time alone with your family. You don’t want us hanging with you all the time.” Howard said putting an arm around Mark’s shoulder.

“But I want you to come. Call it a dying man’s wish if you like, to spend a holiday with his family, friends and their children.” Mark told him. There was a look in Mark’s eye that Howard found it incredibly hard to say no to.

“All right, we’ll talk to the others when we get back.” Howard said and Mark couldn’t help but smile at him.

“Thanks Howard.” Mark told him.

“It’s all right, Marky.”

“Shall we make our way back now? I think the others are just about ready to get back on the boat.” Mark said. He jogged back over to the table with Howard following closely behind. From behind him, Howard could see the jump Mark had in his jog which told him he was happy and right now that was what everyone wanted for him. They just wanted him to be happy and have a good time, because there was going to be a time in the very near future where they would never see Mark like this again. And that frightened Howard and he knew he was not the only one to feel that way.

...

Half an hour into the boat trip back to the hotel, Mark was standing on his own by the edge of the boat. His arms outstretched with his hands holding the metal bar that was stopping him from falling over the edge. Once again, he watched the view as they floated past with a smile on his face. Within a few moments he felt someone wrap their arms around his waist and gently kiss his neck.

“Hi Rob,” Mark giggled as Robbie rested his chin on Mark’s shoulder.

“How did you know it was me?” Robbie asked.

“Hmm... let me guess...”

“All right, so I gave myself away a bit there.” Robbie said. “You all right?”

“Yep, I’m good. You?”

“Fine, I tell you what I didn’t expect today to be as good as it was. I had fun.”

“Yeah, me too. I enjoyed today, and I tell you what, I’d do it again any day.” Mark said.

“Is it bad that I seriously believed something was gonna go wrong with the boat?” Robbie asked. “Not dissing Jay’s steering skills at all, but I totally believed that something was going to happen to the boat and we were going to land up in the river.”

“You’ve been watching too many movies. Did Ayda make you watch Titanic or something before we left?”

“Yes, she bloody well did! And I know this ain’t Atlantic, but every time I look at a boat I think it’s gonna hit something and sink! Never put me on a cruise ship. Ever!” Mark just laughed. “Oh, so you think that’s funny now, do you?” Robbie said.

“Come on Rob, it is a bit funny. I mean you’re 38 and you’re scared of a small boat like this sinking.” Mark laughed. Robbie just narrowed his eyes at him.

“Right that’s it, you’re in for it now Mister.” Robbie said and proceeded to tickle Mark’s ribs. Mark squealed and tried to move away from Robbie in fits of laughter, but Robbie wasn’t going to give up in a hurry. He continued to follow Mark, tickling him, as he tried to move away. Eventually, Robbie managed to tackle Mark to the floor and continued to tickle him down there, knowing that there was no way Mark could get away now.

Mark continued to laugh out loud as Robbie continued to tickle him. He wriggled about on the floor of the boat, trying to stop Robbie from tickling him, but found he couldn’t. He had his eyes closed, but he had already seen the look Robbie had in his eye that told him he wasn’t going to give up any time soon.

“Rob, stop it.” Mark said through fits of laughter.

“Make me.” Robbie said.

“I’m trying,”

“Well try harder.”

“What are you two doing?” Jason’s voice came from behind Robbie and Robbie finally stopped tickling Mark so he could turn around and face Jason. Mark opened his eyes and sat up with a grin still on his face. The two youngest members of the band looked at Jason who was standing in front of them with his arms folded.

“Hi Jay,” Mark said.

“What are you two doing?” Jason repeated.

“He started tickling me!” Mark pointed at Robbie, who then looked at Mark with his mouth open and pointed to himself as if to say: ‘Who? Me?’ However, Jason just shook his head.

“Honestly, you’re like children. The pair of you. How you’re wives put up with you, is beyond me.”

“Err, Jay, if you’re here, then who’s steering the boat?” Robbie asked with a worried expression on his face like you would see in a movie. Mark just rolled his eyes.

“I left Gary and Howard in charge of the steering while I came to see what the hell was going on.” He said.

“Phew.” Robbie sighed in relief.

“You’ve seen too many bad movies, mate.” Mark said. Jason laughed.

“I have not.” Robbie protested as he stood up and then helped Mark to his feet.

“Come on, we’re just about to finish our trip. Let’s make sure we’ve got everything.” Jason said. Mark and Robbie followed him to where Howard and Gary were steering the boat. It was quite a funny sight, Gary steering the boat with Howard trying to get his turn, but Gary not letting him.

There was a sudden snap and Mark turned to look at Jason who had a camera in his hands.

“Have you been taking pictures all day?” Mark asked.

“Yeah, ‘course I have. Haven’t you noticed?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Gary lent me his camera and I’ve been talking photos of the trip. Gary took some as well.” Jason said.

“Oh and Howard got one of you and Rob on the floor.” Gary said looking at Mark from where he stood by the wheel. Mark just shook his head.

“How about we get one by the boat when we get off?” Mark suggested.

“Great idea.” Howard said.

“How about we take one now?” Robbie said.

“OK,” Jason set the camera up on something that was high enough for it to capture all five of their faces (not just Mark’s). He then set up the camera and they all got ready for their second group shot of the trip.

After the picture was taken and the boat was parked back where it had come from, the five of them headed back to the park, where they spent the majority of the end of the day talking and looking out at the view. They even tried to play a game of hide and seek, just as if they were the children they acted like. It was a great way to end the day and by the time they headed for their rooms for bed, they were all knackered and fell asleep instantly.


	13. THIRTEEN

**Chapter Thirteen:**

The end of April came quickly – too quickly in everyone’s minds. They wanted time to go as slowly as possible, but it seemed like every day was shorter than the last and considering what was going to happen, that was fucking terrifying.

Since the lads had got back from Huntingdon a few weeks ago, not much had happened. Though, Mark had spoken to everyone about his idea of taking everyone away for a week or so something before he died and it was an idea that had gone down well with everyone else. Once all the adults had agreed to the idea, Gary had gone to talk to his kids about it with Dawn, Mark and Emma had spoken to their kids and Howard had got in contact with his children to talk to them about it. All seven kids were extremely excited about it and were looking forward to the day they went on their holiday.

Once everyone was in on the idea, the next thing on the list was the destination. They didn’t fancy going anywhere too far away, seven kids on a long flight was probably not such a good idea. Plus, they would have Robbie with them and Mark had to say, he was worried what would happen if Robbie got bored on a long flight. He would be just as bad as the kids – maybe worse. Eventually, they settled on going to Gran Canaria. It was a fairly short flight, only four hours or so, and it was beautiful island. Robbie had immediately got out his laptop and had begun to search it up, trying to find somewhere that they could stay that had something for adults and kids alike.

“What about this hotel guys?” Robbie said putting the laptop on the table in the middle of the living room. Everyone else crowed around the small screen trying to get a look at what Robbie had found.

“Altamadores,” Gary read from the screen.

“Look at the view.” Mark said pointing at one of the pictures on the screen. Robbie clicked on it to enlarge it. The view from the building was amazing. There was a clear view of the sea and the beach, which looked only about a five or ten minute walk from the hotel entrance.

“I take it we’re going to staying there.” Jason said looking at Mark who was smiling with excitement.

“I think so,” Mark replied. “It looks really nice.”

“The good thing is, there’s a pool, a small play area for the kids, a bar, a restaurant and entertainment in the evening.” Howard said.

“Looks like we’ve just found our holiday destination.” Emma said with a smile.

“Rob, can you print the page off?” Ayda asked. Robbie nodded and pressed print.

“Printed,” he said. “Now, one small question: where’s the printer?” He asked. Everyone else laughed.

“Rob, you’ve been here since – like – October and you still have no idea where anything is.” Mark laughed.

“Well excuse me; my mind has been occupied by other things. I haven’t exactly been able to go on a hunt for the printer.” He said.

“I’ll go get it.” Emma said standing up and making her way to the computer room where they kept the printer.

She returned a moment later with a few pieces of paper in her hand. She then put them on the table next to the laptop and sat back down.

“OK, now we’ve got the destination sorted, when are we going to go?” Dawn asked after a moment.

“How about we book flights for the last day of term before the kids break up for the summer holidays?” Howard suggested. “That way, they aren’t going to miss much at school and, I think, we might be able to get the flights a little cheaper.”

“Good idea, what date do the schools break up on?” Jason asked.

“Err... hold on.” Mark stood up and made his way to the kitchen where there was a calendar. “They break up on the 20th July.” Mark called from the kitchen before making his way back. “And that’s a Friday,” he said as he walked back into the living room.

“OK, can we book now?” Howard asked. “Before the kids come running in.”

“Sure,” Robbie clicked on where it said ‘book now’ and the eight of them began to book their holiday. “How many apartments are we going to need?” Robbie asked. Jason looked round and started to count.

“Five,” he said.

“Jay that means you’re on your own. Do you want to share an apartment with me and the girls?” Howard offered, not wanting Jason to have to be on his own.

“All right, cheers How.” Jason said.

“Make that four rooms then.” Mark said smiling at his two friends.

Once the holiday was booked, Robbie printed off the information and Mark went to grab the paper from the printer before coming back and putting it with the hotel information.

“Right, that’s sorted. So what are we going to do before July then?” Mark asked sitting on the floor and leaning on the sofa behind him with his hands behind his head.

“No idea,” was basically everyone’s answer.

....

It was the beginning of May and Mark had spent most of his time in the studio on his own. He hadn’t told anyone that he was writing a song, but that was mainly because he still wasn’t sure it was going to get finished. Mark was exactly slow at writing songs, but, recently, he had been finding it had to come up with any lyrics that might work with the tune he had come up with a few months ago. After everything that had happened, Mark hadn’t thought about going back to the song until now. He had had his mind on other things and had completely forgotten about it until he had found the piece of paper he had written the chords on in his room one day.

Mark had given up on the lyrics for now and just sat on one of the stools with his guitar, just playing the tune over and over, hoping that lyrics might just form in his head. Sadly nothing happened; he wasn’t even sure what the song was going to be about. As he played he let his mind wander and he thought about what had happened over the last few months. It saddened him to think that he was going to have to leave his friends and family behind soon. He was worried how they were going to take it – especially Emma and Robbie, but Robbie more than anyone. Mark knew that Emma was strong, but as for Robbie, he could get really emotional at times.

And that’s when it hit him, he knew what he would write about and even better, he had started to form lyrics in his head. He reached the chorus of the song and began to sing:

 _Don't fade away_  
Don't lose your way  
For this is not the end  
Stay strong through the pain  
Cos we will see each other again

Mark was just about to carry on with trying to come up with lyrics when there was a knock at the door, followed by the sound of Elwood’s voice coming from the outside.

“Daddy, lunch is ready. Mummy told me to come and get you.” Mark smiled at the sound of his son’s voice and put down his guitar before making his way out of the studio where he saw Elwood waiting for him.

“Come on then, let’s get going.” He took hold of his son’s hand and the two of them made their way inside where everyone was waiting for them to make their return.

Mark sat down between Emma and Robbie and started to eat his sandwich. As he did, he noticed everyone looking at him.

“OK, why do you lot keep staring at me?” Mark asked, feeling slightly awkward.

“What exactly are you doing in there, Mark?” Robbie asked.

“In where?”

“Your studio. For the last week or so you’ve been in there constantly. We barely see you anymore.” Robbie told him.

“Sorry, I didn’t realise how long I’ve been in there. I’ll make it up to you.” Mark said.

“Don’t worry; we just wanted to know why you’ve been spending so much time in there, that’s all. If you want to spend more time in there, then we’re not going to stop you.” Emma told him.

“I’m not doing a lot, if I’m honest. I just like it in there.” Mark didn’t want to tell them that he was writing, because he didn’t want anyone to know until he knew himself whether the song would ever be finished or not. He didn’t want people to want to hear it finished and then never get it finished. But what he said was true in a way. He did like it in his studio; it was a place where he could just relax. It wasn’t as good as lying on the grass, but it had been a bit wet to do that recently and so the studio had been the next best thing in Mark’s mind.

“Fair enough,” Robbie said.

After lunch, Mark didn’t bother going back to his studio. He just sat at the table and stared out of the window, looking at the rain that was now coming down heavily. As he watched the rain come down, he felt his mind wander to the day he had found out that he only had a limited time left. He hadn’t really thought about it much recently, but that was because he had been occupied by other things at the time. He thought about hearing the doctor tell him that it wasn’t good news: that the chemo hadn’t worked. As he continued to think about it, he felt a tear fall from his eye, but he didn’t bother with wiping it away.

Mark continued to sit at the table, on his own, with tears rolling down his face for what seemed like hours. He didn’t know where the others had gone, but he felt a little lonely at that moment and also a little frightened. Whenever he was alone, the fear that he felt and had pushed away came back and all he wanted was a hug from someone, telling him that things would be all right even though he knew they wouldn’t.

He suddenly jumped a little when he felt someone put a hand to his shoulder and found himself coming out of his thoughts.

“Hey, didn’t mean to scare you, mate.” Mark turned around to face the wall opposite to where he was sitting as Robbie sat down on the chair next to him. “Mark, what’s wrong?” Robbie asked worriedly as he saw the tears on Mark’s face. Mark didn’t say anything and Robbie immediately brought him into a tight hug as soon as he saw that Mark wasn’t that far off completely breaking down. “Hey, sshh, it’s all right.” Robbie told him as he rubbed Mark’s back, trying to calm him down.

“Why do things have to be this way, Rob?” Mark asked through his tears. Robbie just pressed a kiss to Mark’s hair before resting his head on top of Mark’s and closing his eyes.

“I don’t know Mark, I honestly don’t know.” He answered honestly.

“Please, just make it go away.” Robbie felt his heart break at that. He wanted nothing more than to do that for Mark, but he knew that there was nothing they could do for Mark now. The only thing they could do for him was to make sure that he was happy during his last months.

“I can’t do that Mark, I’m so sorry.” Robbie whispered to him. This only made Mark cry harder, which caused Robbie to tighten his grip on him.

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Live knowing I’m going to die soon. I just want it to be all over.” Mark confessed. “I wish I wasn’t just lingering around.”

“You’re not just lingering around Mark.” Robbie told him.

“But what’s the point in me being here anymore? I’m useless now, it’s not like I have any time to write, record and release an album like I wanted to this year. All I’m doing is holding you guys back. I mean, you wanted to get back to your solo career this year and all I’m doing is stopping you from doing that because I’m ill.” Mark said.

“No, no, don’t say that. I don’t care about my solo career or not being able to release anything. All I care about is you and making sure that you are happy. You aren’t holding anyone back Mark, OK? This is not your fault and you can’t blame yourself.” Robbie told him sternly. “And you certainly aren’t useless. You can get a lot done in the time you have left, so don’t say that there’s not any point in being here anymore, because there is and I know that, deep inside, you know it.”

Mark didn’t say anything for a while and just tried to cuddle up to Robbie even more. However, with the two of them being on separate chairs, it wasn’t easy. Eventually he spoke and Robbie had trouble hearing him as he was so quiet.

“Can we go on the sofa?” Mark asked. Robbie looked at him.

“OK,” he led Mark to the sofa and the two of them sat down. Robbie then wrapped his arms around Mark and held him close as Mark snuggled up as close to him as he possibly could. He then rested his head on Robbie’s shoulder and closed his eyes. Robbie placed a kiss to his forehead before gently rubbing at his arm.

“I don’t want to leave you.” Mark said quietly.

“I know,”

“Or anyone else.”

“I know,”

“Maybe, after I’m gone, I can come back and see you guys and see how you are.” Robbie smiled at this.

“Maybe, just try not to scare the shit out of us.” Mark laughed slightly.

“I’ll try not to.” Mark told him. Mark sighed and Robbie could tell that he was starting to drift off.

“Mark,”

“Mmm,”

“Are you OK now?” He asked. He hated it when Mark got upset, but knew that Mark couldn’t help it.

“Yeah,” Mark said quietly. However, Robbie knew that Mark was still a little upset about things, but he didn’t blame him. And if he was honest, he couldn’t say he was much happier.

“Good,” Robbie said, rubbing Mark’s arm. Mark suddenly let out a small yawn and Robbie smiled down at him. “Tired?” Mark nodded. “You have a nap then.” Mark moved so he had his head resting on Robbie’s lap. He then curled up on the sofa and Robbie stroked Mark’s hair with his hand until he fell asleep. Once Mark was asleep, Robbie rested his hand on Mark’s hair and used his fingers to gently massage Mark’s head. He looked down at the sleeping man and smiled sadly at him.

Just then Emma appeared in the living room and smiled at Robbie on the sofa with her husband, fast asleep on his lap.

“Is he all right?” She asked. Robbie nodded.

“Yeah, he got a bit upset a little while ago and then wanted a nap.” Robbie told her.

“I’m just glad he’s OK now. How long has he been asleep for?” She asked.

“He’s literally just fallen asleep.”

“OK,” Emma said. “Be right back.” She disappeared for a while before coming back with a blanket. Emma then made her way over to the two of them on the sofa and placed the blanket over Mark and pulled it up to his shoulders. In his sleep, Mark grabbed the blanket and hugged it to himself, causing both Emma and Robbie to laugh gently at him.

“Aww,” Robbie said smiling down at Mark.

“Just what I was thinking.” Emma said with a smile.

“Hey Em, where’s Ayda?” Robbie asked.

“She said she was going to spend time with the kids for a while. I think she’s taken a shine to them and they’ve taken a shine to her. They’ve got to know each other more over these last few months and they all get on well. She’s very good at sorted out the bickering between Elwood and Willow.” Emma said. Robbie just laughed. “Anyway, I’ll leave you two alone and I’ll go and make sure that the two mini trouble makers haven’t caused too much havoc.” Emma said.

“Mini trouble makers?” Robbie asked.

“Yeah, you and Mark are still the main two trouble makers.” Emma said with a laugh.

“Well, at least we know where they get it from.” Robbie said.

“Oh trust me, I’ve known since day one.” Emma said. “You gonna be all right?”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I’ll look after Mark.” Robbie said.

“I know you will,” Emma said as she made her way out of the living room leaving Robbie alone again with Mark still fast asleep, completely oblivious to anything that had just gone on.

Robbie gently pulled the blanket covering Mark up and gently rubbed his arm before turning on the TV and turning it down so it didn’t wake Mark. Robbie then sat there watching TV and every so often he would look down at Mark and gently stroke his hair with a small smile on his face.


	14. FOURTEEN

**Chapter Fourteen:**

 

By the time July came, all seven kids were buzzing with excitement as their holiday together was literally only days away. Though, the kids weren’t the only one’s buzzing with excitement. It was safe to say that the eight adults were just as excited as the kids and in Mark and Robbie’s case maybe just that little bit more.

Since deciding to go on this trip, there had been a few moments of realisation over the last couple of months that this was going to be one of the last things they were all going to do together. Each and every one of them were dreading when February came next year, having worked out that that was the months that they would eventually lose Mark in.

One of the main moments of realisation for them was when Mark had said that he had been giving his funeral a bit of thought. It wasn’t an event that any of the others had really thought about; they had actually been refusing to think about it since Mark had been given ten months to live. But they soon saw how important it was to Mark this day and so began to help him with the little things that could be thought upon in advance. The main thing that they had talked about was what music they would play. Mark had come up with a list of songs that were possibilities. The majority of the songs on the list were typically Mark, but there were a few in the midst.

“ _Angels_?” Robbie asked as he read Mark’s list. He was shocked to see one of his songs on the list.

“Yeah, it’s a beautiful song.” Mark told him with a smile.

“Thanks bud, but you don’t have to use it y’know. Not if you don’t want to.”

“But I do want to. I do want to use it. And guys,” Mark turned to the rest of the lads who had popped round for the day. “Would you mind if I had _Butterfly_ played?” Mark asked.

“Not at all, Mark. If that’s what you want.” Gary replied with a smile and Mark smiled one of his winning smiles back at him.

“Thanks guys. Right better help Emma help the kids start packing or we’ll still be doing it two seconds before we head out the door.” Mark ran off upstairs, leaving the others in the living room watching him go.

“Is it me or has Mark hyped up a bit these last few weeks?” Jason asked as he sat on the sofa next to Howard.

“It’s probably the excitement of the holiday getting to him.” Howard said.

“You sound like you’re complaining.” Ayda smiled at them from where she sat on the chair. Robbie went over to her and sat on the arm of the chair next to her.

“Trust me; there was a time when we would be complaining.” Robbie told her. “Now, though, seeing him like that is a God send. Emma’s even brought the sweets down a couple of cupboard so Mark can find them.”

“I wondered why she had them that high last time we came round.” Howard smiled. “Should’ve guessed that it was to stop Mark getting to them.”

“She might land up regretting it later though...” Jason said.

“I probably will.” They all turned to see Emma enter the room. She was smiling, telling them that she had heard what they had been saying.

“Kids finished packing already?” Gary asked.

“Hell no, before I left Elwood was trying to shove his whole Lego set into the suitcase.” Emma laughed. “Though, believe it or not, Willow’s very nearly done. I think Mark’s helping her pack her bag she’s gonna take on the plane with her.”

“Sounds like you’re having a whole load of fun.” Robbie said sarcastically with a smile.

“Tell me about it. I’ve given up. Left Mark to it.”

“Sure that’s wise?” Howard asked. “He might start trying to put extra hats and scarves into the kids’ suitcases.”

“I don’t think he’s gonna need any scarves in Gran Canaria.” Emma laughed.

“Y’never know.” Howard told her.

“Em, this is Mark we’re talking about.” Robbie said.

“Fair enough...” Emma said. “Y’know, on second thoughts, maybe leaving Mark to do it wasn’t a good idea...” Emma stood up and made her way back upstairs, leaving the others laughing in the living room. Oh, this trip was going to be a laugh.

...

The airport was a bloody nightmare. There were people everywhere and they were all worried about getting lost or losing someone. Eventually, though, they managed to make it to the plane having just about made it through all the palaver that they had just been through.

Once on the plane, the fifteen of them sat in their seats. The way they sat was basically, all women and children in one section and the men next to them, across the aisle.

As more people boarded the plane, Mark looked around at everyone and couldn’t help but smile a sad smile to himself. He was going to miss these days; he knew it and he could tell that everyone else felt the same. This was their last holiday together and that saddened him knowing that the next time they did this, he wasn’t going to be there. However, he was determined to treat this like any other holiday and have a good time. After all, that was what they had done this for.

“Hey, Marky, you all right?” Robbie asked. Mark turned to face his friend sitting next to him and smiled.

“Yeah, I’m all right.” He replied.

“You’re thinking about how this is our last trip together, aren’t you?” Robbie asked carefully, not wanting to start the trip off on a sad note. But Mark’s smile didn’t fade.

“Yeah, I was for a few seconds, but I’m not going to think about that again.” Mark told him. “I’m just gonna treat this as a normal holiday.”

“I know; but Mark, please talk to us if anything starts getting to you. Don’t keep it all bottled in until we get home.” Robbie looked at Mark seriously.

“OK, I promise I’ll talk to someone if I need to.” Mark rested his head on Robbie’s shoulder and looked up at him with a loving gaze.

“Good. The last thing I want is for you to have to start dealing with this on your own.”

“You couldn’t let me even if you tried.” Mark smiled, although, somewhat sadly.

“No, but if you never talk, then how are any of us supposed to help you?” Robbie asked. Mark stayed quiet for a while before removing his head from Robbie’s shoulder and looking up at the taller man.

“I promise, from now on, I’ll talk to anyone of you. I’m tired of keeping things to myself. It’s never gotten me anywhere in the past and so it’s not gonna get me anywhere now. I don’t know why it’s taken me this long to realise this.” Mark admitted.

“That’s good to hear. But, I guess the reason why you never spoke before is – and this is only what I think, so feel free to correct me – you don’t want people to have to be dealing with this as well. You just want to put everything behind you and keep it there and try not to bring it forward too much. I suppose it’s you all over really. Since I’ve known you, you’ve always hated other people having to deal with your problems. It’s not that you don’t want help, it’s that you don’t want to bring anybody down with you.” Robbie said.

Mark stayed quiet for a few moments before, eventually, replying. “Why is it you know me better than anyone else, Rob?” Mark asked. “You seem to be the only one who truly understands me.”

“I’ve known you for a long time, Mark, and, out of everybody here, you’re the one I’ve probably spent the most time with.” Robbie answered.

“I guess.” Mark gave him a small smile and kissed his cheek before whispering in his ear: “I love you.”

Robbie smiled down at him and whispered a reply in Mark’s own ear: “I love you, too, Mark.”

The two continued to smile at each other and their shared secret just as the plane began to take off, ready for the four and a half hour journey ahead of it.

...

Half way through the flight, all seven kids were watching something on the small screens that they had in front of them. Every once in a while, one or two of them would laugh at something apparently funny and any adult near them would look at the screen wondering what the hell was going on.

With the kids apparently entertained and content with their small TVs, there was no chance of any one of them asking: “Are we nearly there?” for a little while longer.

About half an hour ago, Mark had found himself drifting off on Robbie’s shoulder. He was now curled up as best he could, with his head resting on Robbie’s lap, fast asleep. Robbie had, carefully, placed his jacket over Mark about ten minutes ago and, in his sleep, Mark and hugged it to himself, causing Robbie to smile and ruffle his hair gently.

“Rob, is he all right?” Emma asked from where she was sat with the kids. Robbie turned to look at her and smiled with a nod of his head.

“Yeah, he’s fine. He’s just gone to sleep.” Robbie answered.

“OK, just checking.” Emma said with a small smile, but Robbie could tell that she was worried. They all were. They were all worried that Mark would fall asleep and that would be the day that he would never wake up. The worst thing was they didn’t know when it would be. All they knew was that it was going to be in February. But, then again, that was only what the doctor had predicted. For all anyone knew, Mark could live longer than that or, making them worry more, he might not even make next year.

“Em, you OK?” Robbie asked. Emma nodded, but Robbie could clearly see that she wasn’t. “Do you wanna come over here with him and I’ll sit with the kids?” Robbie asked.

“No, it’s all right. You stay with him. He’s happy by the looks of it and the last thing I want to do is disturb him.” Emma smiled at Robbie and then looked down at Mark who had a small smile on his face as he slept.

“OK,” Robbie said and decided that a change in conversation was a good idea. “What are the kids watching?” He asked. Emma looked at Elwood’s screen before turning back to Robbie.

“Ice Age,” she replied.

“Ooh, which one?”

“I have no idea. They’re all the same to me.”

“Fair enough.” Robbie said.

...

“OK, seriously, how much longer?” Robbie asked looking round the side of the chair in front of him where Jason was sat.

“Y’know, I thought it would be you who would be first to ask that.” Jason said not looking up from his book.

“I’m amazed you’ve lasted this long.” Gary laughed.

“Guys, I’m serious.” Robbie moaned.

“Talk to Mark,” Howard said.

“I can’t, he’s asleep and has been for about half the bloody flight!” Robbie said, slightly annoyed that his friends didn’t seem to be helping him.

“Talk to the kids.” Gary said.

“They’re watching Ice Age.”

“What about Dawn and Emma?” Jason asked. Robbie looked over at the two women and found that they, too, were now watching the film with the kids.

“They’re watching Ice Age, too.” Robbie said.

“Rob, why don’t you try going to sleep?” Howard suggested.

“But that’s boring.” Robbie moaned.

“Seems to be all right for Mark.”

“Yeah, but...”

“But?”

“But... Ooh, doesn’t matter. I can’t sleep anyway, I’m too awake.” Robbie said.

“Have you tried?” Gary asked.

“No, but...”

“There you go then. Try.”

“I’m uncomfortable.” Robbie stated.

“Move then,” Jason told him.

“I can’t,”

“Why?”

“I’ll wake up Mark.”

“Be careful then.” Howard said.

“Guys, please just tell me how long we’ve got left of the flight.” Robbie said, getting slightly annoyed right now.

Gary looked at his watch and began to work out how long they had been on the plane. “We’ve got about half an hour more left to go before we should be landing.” He said.

“Half an hour?” Robbie asked. “Thank God! Should I wake Mark up now and tell to make sure he’s got everything?”

“Probably a good idea.” Jason said.

“OK, thank you.” Robbie said as he sat back on his seat properly and looked down and the small, sleeping man on his lap.

Robbie gently shook Mark’s shoulder, in an attempt to wake him up. Eventually, Mark began to stir and rolled over so he was, more or less, on his back.

As he opened his eyes, he saw Robbie smiling down at him. “Hello,” Robbie said.

“Hi,” Mark replied with a smile.

“You all right?” Robbie asked as Mark sat up.

“Yeah,” he said as he rubbed his eyes. “How long have I been asleep for?”

“No idea, a while though.”

“What have you been doing while I was asleep then?”

“Nothing, just watching you really. Though, I did have a little conversation with your wife a while ago.” Robbie said.

“I’m surprised you didn’t die of boredom.” Mark laughed.

“Oh, trust me, I very nearly did. Just before I woke you up, I turned into the backseat child.”

“The kids haven’t even asked how long we’ve got left of the flight.” Gary said from in front of them as he turned around to face the two of them. Mark couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re such a child.” Mark laughed.

“You can talk! I wasn’t the one who was bouncing around the living room on Easter Sunday.” Robbie reminded him.

“Elwood was, too.” Mark said.

“Not in the way you were and who does he take after anyway?” Robbie asked looking pointedly at Mark.

“OK, so I had one too many chocolate eggs that morning. But it was my last Easter, I had an excuse.” Mark said. Robbie hated the fact that Mark had said that sentence just as if it were like any other. It was like he hadn’t realised what he had said. It was true, of course. Easter just gone had in fact been Mark’s last, but it hadn’t felt like it at the time. It had been one of the few days in the last few months where Mark’s illness hadn’t been mentioned and because of that, things had felt normal. It had been like everything was back to how it should be. But of course, the realisation had kicked in the day after that Easter was never going to be spent like that again. “Anyway, how long is it until we land?” Mark asked changing the subject.

“About half an hour according to Gary.” Robbie said.

“Not long then?”

“Nope,”

“Can’t wait to land. I really need to stretch my legs.”

“Me too, I’ve had your head on my lap for hours.” Robbie said, but with a smile.

“You could have moved me, y’know.”

“Didn’t want to wake you. You look cute asleep.” Robbie said ruffling Mark’s hair.

“Cheers,” Mark said and gave Robbie dagger eyes at the same time.

...

Getting out of the airport in Las Palmas was a nightmare. There were so many people coming in and out. It was amazing they all made it out of the building and into a number of taxis without losing anyone in the process.

Eventually, they made it to the hotel. By the time they got there it was nearly lunch time and all of them were starved. They had decided to avoid the food on the plane and eat when they arrived. That way, they could be sure that they got a decent meal and not some plane food that tasted like crap.

After booking in, the fifteen of them were each given a small red band to put on their wrists to show that they had come all inclusive. They had worked out that it was cheaper this way as all the meals were included in the price. Once that was sorted, they took their key-cards and made their way to their respective apartments.

Luckily, all their apartments were together and weren’t that far away from the restaurant and pool. Howard, Jason, Grace and Lola were furthest away, four doors down from where Gary, Dawn and their kids’ apartment was.

Each apartment was pretty much the same. A small living area with two bench type sofas, which could possibly be used for beds. There was a small kitchen area which was next to the bathroom and opposite the bathroom door was the door leading into the bed room. In the bedroom, there were two beds that were nicely made and ready to use. Next to the door was the wardrobe which also doubled as a very big mirror.

They had said that they would all meet each other in the restaurant in about half an hour, which gave them all a bit of time to get things sorted before going for lunch.

“Right, let’s think. How are we going to do this?” Mark asked.

“Do what?” Emma asked.

“Well there’s only two beds.” He said.

“Yeah, you and I have one and the kids have the other.” Emma said.

“That’s the thing. I don’t think they’re gonna like that much.” Mark said.

“Well, they’re gonna have to.”

“S’pose,” Mark smiled at his wife and gave her a quick kiss before starting to unpack.

“Mark,” Emma said. Mark put his wallet in the draw next to the bed and looked over at her.

“Yeah?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Emma said after a long pause, looking away as she started to unpack her own case. Mark stopped what he was doing and went over to her.

“What’s wrong?” He asked as he put a hand on her shoulder.

“Mark, it doesn’t matter.” Emma insisted, but she knew Mark wasn’t going to back down.

“Yes it does,” he said.

Emma sighed before eventually speaking. “It’s just... I can’t believe this is going to be our last holiday together.” She said sadly. Mark immediately brought her into a hug and kissed her head.

“I know, but please, don’t think about it. Let’s just enjoy this week and forget about thing that our going to happen in the future. Let’s live now; in the present; not in the past and not thinking about the future.” Mark told her.

“OK, but talk to us if you need to.” Emma told him. Mark smiled and nodded.

“I will, I promise.” He said. “I promised Rob earlier and I’m promising you now.”

“Good, I don’t care who you talk to, just talk to someone.” Emma said.

“I will. God... Do you and Rob have little private conversations or something? Cos you always seem to say the same things to me.” Mark smiled.

“Well, we both care about you, don’t we? Sometimes I think that you and Rob had something back in early days that was more than friendship.” Emma smiled and Mark suddenly wondered how much she knew. Could he tell her he loved Rob still?

“Would it bother you if I did?” Mark asked, testing the water slightly.

“It wouldn’t surprise me, let’s put it that way.” Emma said. “To be honest, I don’t think it would surprise a lot of people.” She kissed Mark’s head before closing her suitcase. “Now, come on, let’s go grab the kids and make our way to the restaurant.”

“OK, where are the kids?” Mark asked as the two of them stood up.

“They went outside.” Emma said. “They were fascinated by the view.” Mark laughed and the two of them made their way outside, grabbed the kids and walked down to the restaurant for lunch.

Even though they had only just arrived, Mark was positive that things were going to be great on this holiday. It seemed as though it was going to be a holiday to remember, for all the right reasons.


	15. FIFTEEN

**Chapter Fifteen:**

After lunch, the kids were allowed to play in the pool for a while, while everyone else chatted away – or, in Jason’s case, read.

“Excuse me Mr. Orange, why are you being so antisocial?” Jason looked up from the text in his hands and saw Mark towering over him with a rather large grin plastered to his face.

“Sorry mate, I was just reading my book.” Jason apologised with a smile. He couldn’t help but smile back at Mark, the grin he wore on his face right now had almost become a rarity, whereas before, it was more of a rarity to see Mark with _out_ his famous boyish grin plastered to his face. It had always made him smile before, but seeing it now just made him – and everyone else – smile that little bit more.

“Whatcha reading?” Mark asked. He snatched the book out of Jason’s hands, must to his brief annoyance, and read the front cover. At this, his expression changed. “Why are you reading this?” Mark asked as he looked from the book to Jason.

“I dunno,” Jason answered. “I guess it’s because what’s going on in this book is almost mirroring what’s going on now. I mean, I know it’s about a child and I know he’s got leukaemia rather than a brain tumour, but he’s still faced with the prospect that he’s going to die. I know it’s not exactly the happiest of stories, but I was reading it, well, to help prepare myself for what’s inevitably going to happen.” Jason explained. He didn’t look at Mark and Mark could feel his heart break for his friend. He sat on the edge of the sun bed, next to Jason and looked at him.

It was then that Mark realised that he hadn’t actually spoken to the other guys that much about this whole thing. He had never really spoken to them about how they were taking it. To Mark, they had always seemed like they had been taking it rather well. Better than Emma or Robbie had. But hearing what Jason had just said made Mark realise that they only appeared to be taking it well because they had to stay strong, for all their sakes, not just Mark’s. It made him feel extremely guilty for not having spoken to them about this like he had done with Emma and Robbie especially. It made him feel guilty that he hadn’t seen what lied behind his friends’ guard.

“Jay, you OK?” Mark asked. He put a hand on Jason’s and Jason looked up at him.

“I dunno, Mark. I mean, it’s hard, y’know.” Mark nodded. It was hard; hard for all of them. This tumour had affected every single one of them, not just Mark. It had affected them all in different ways, but, of course, none of those ways had been anywhere near positive ones. “In a few months you’re not gonna be here anymore and that scares me. Scared the shit out of me. It’s hard to imagine what it’s gonna be like without you, Marky.”

Mark honestly felt like crying at what Jason was saying, but he refused to. Jason, however, seemed to be holding up all right and Mark wished that he could be more like that; stronger; able to hold on to his emotions without letting go too much. It wasn’t the first time Mark had wanted to be more like Jason: wise and cleaver; able to come up with answers for questions that no-one else in the band could answer; able to come up with questions that may or may not have an answer.

Jason noticed Mark was looking a little upset and so brought the much smaller man into a tight hug. Mark hugged back with an equal amount of force.

“Jay, I’m sorry.” Mark said quietly.

“What for?” Jason asked, pulling out slightly and looking at Mark.

“For not talking to you as much. I never really asked you have you were feeling, or Gary, or Howard. I never really thought about how you were feeling. The three of you always seemed to be taking it well.” Mark said. He felt ashamed and Jason could see that. He didn’t want Mark to feel ashamed, after all, he had nothing to be ashamed about.

“Don’t apologise Mark, there’s no need. You have no need to feel guilty about anything, OK?” Mark looked up at Jason before looking down again. “You’ve had your mind on things for months now, Mark. You can’t talk to everyone all the time. To be honest, Mark, I’d be surprised if you had talked to us. After all, you must be still trying to come to terms with everything. I know I am.” Mark looked up at Jason and gave a small smile. He had tears in his eyes, but didn’t care.

“Thanks Jay,” Mark said.

“No problem, Marky.” He smiled. “Now, come on, stop crying and let’s enjoy this holiday.” He noticed that Mark still had his book. “Can I have my book back?”

Mark looked down and saw the book in his hands. “No chance, mate. You’ll just land up reading it and not joining in with the fun. I’m keeping it until we go to bed.” Mark grinned.

“Mark, that’s not fair.” Jason protested.

“Yes it is.” Mark stood up and made his way over to his bag to put the book in. Jason watched him with dagger eyes, but Mark only continued to grin a cheeky grin at him.

...

“Oi, Marky!” Mark turned around just in time for a beach ball to smack straight into his face. He grabbed it and looked over at whoever had thrown it. Of course, it was Robbie. It was either him or Elwood and Mark didn’t remember ever hearing his son call him ‘Marky’.

“That wasn’t very nice. Nearly took me eye out with this.” Mark said with a mock annoyed look, which only made Robbie grin as he walked up to Mark. “What do you want, anyway?” Mark asked as he threw the ball back to Robbie.

“Nothing just came to talk to you. Am I not allowed to do that?” Robbie asked with a glint in his eye which made Mark smile.

“Now, I never said that now, did I?” Mark grinned.

“Suppose not.” Robbie grinned back. “Fancy a dip in the pool?” Robbie asked.

“Nah, not at the moment, mate. I was gonna get one of those little ice-cream pots from the restaurant.” Mark said.

“Nice, don’t eat too many, though, will ya?”

“I won’t, if we have to worry about anyone eating too much ice-cream, it’ll be either the kids or Gaz.” Mark said cheekily.

“Don’t let him hear you say that.” Robbie laughed.

“Wasn’t planning on it.” Mark laughed back. “Right, back in a sec.” Mark said. “Ooh, by the way? You want one?”

“Nah, I’m all right. Thanks anyway, mate.” Robbie said and Mark smiled before making his way to the little freezer where they kept the ice-creams.

...

Once Mark had finished his little ice-cream, he lay back on the sun bed he was on and closed his eyes. He then let the heat of the sun and the gentle breezes lull him to sleep.

Just before he fell asleep, however, he felt himself be picked up into someone’s arms. He opened his eyes to see that it was Robbie who was carrying him and he could see the naughty look on his face.

“Rob! Put me down!” Mark said as he realised Robbie was making his way nearer to the pool.

“No chance, come on.” Robbie picked up some speed and despite Mark’s protests, Robbie didn’t let him go. Robbie then jumped and Mark, tightly, shut his eyes as the two of them plunged towards the water at high speed.

When Mark surfaced the water, he blinked a couple of times, getting the water out of his eyes and used his hand to brush back, his now sodden hair. He then turned around to see Robbie surface behind him and looked at him with dagger eyes.

“What was that for?” Mark asked.

“Oh, come on Marky. Lighten up. You loved it really.” Robbie said, he knew that Mark wasn’t mad at him.

“Urgh, you’re so annoying.” Mark splashed water in Robbie’s face with a grin and Robbie ducked down just in time.

“I’m annoying? Have you looked in the mirror lately?” Robbie asked, splashing water back at Mark who was still grinning. Mark was too busy grinning at him that he had ducked down a second too late. Robbie laughed, but Mark didn’t surface and a second later Robbie felt someone grab his waist and pull him down, under the water.

Under the water, Mark was grinning at him and Robbie, finally, managed to untangle himself from Mark surface the water for breath. It wasn’t long until Mark followed.

“You are evil, y’hear me?” Robbie said, rubbing his eyes clear of water.

“Yeah, I know. But you love me anyway.” Mark teased.

“Yes, I do. But you’re still annoying.” Robbie said and Mark couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oh, come on Rob, you loved it really.” Mark said, echoing Robbie’s own words from not so long ago. Mark laughed and Robbie looked at him with a cheeking, yet menacing expression.

“Right, that’s it. You’re in for it now, Owen!” Robbie said and Mark ducked under the water before Robbie had the chance to splash him.

...

“Look at those two.” Howard said as everyone else watched Mark and Robbie attack each other in the middle of the pool.

“Pair of kids, the pair of them.” Gary said, shaking his head, but he was smiling all the same. There was a sudden burst of rather loud laughter on Mark’s part and the others couldn’t help but laugh.

“It’s good to see them like that, though.” Dawn said with a smile.

“Makes you wonder what Rob’s gonna be like when this is all over.” Jason said. He hated to be the one to say it, but they all knew that they weren’t going to finish this conversation without mentioning _that._

“I just hope he’ll be OK.” Emma said sadly.

“He’ll pull through eventually, though.” Ayda told them. “He always does. But it’ll be harder this time.”

“Losing Mark will be the worst thing to happen to all of us.” Jason said. “He’s such a massive part of our lives and it’s going to be difficult without him.”

“Jay, what did Mark say to you earlier?” Howard asked. “I saw you hugging him and he looked a tab upset.”

“He feels guilty about not having talked to us much about all this; as in you, me and Gary.” Jason told them.

“He shouldn’t feel like that.” Gary said.

“I know, that’s what I told him. But y’know Mark, it’s gonna be hard for him to accept that.”

“True, but we need him to know that he has no need to feel guilty – for anything.” Howard said.

“He knows, but that doesn’t mean he’ll believe it himself.” The others could only agree.

...

Once Mark and Robbie had finished attacking each other like a pair of school boys in the pool, they decided to join the rest of the gang up by the sun beds. The kids were still playing in the pool and when Mark looked at the time, he could see that they should probably get them out now and get them ready for dinner. But, a few more minutes couldn’t hurt, could it?

When they did, eventually, get the kids out of the pool along with all the pool toys that they had brought with them, they each went back to their respective apartments to freshen up for dinner. They had all decided, about ten minutes ago, that they would go down to Puerto Rico for a nice dinner together. They also decided that they would walk down there as they would have to wait ages for a tax; have to get a number of taxis to fir them all and also, they wanted to see a little more of the island. And besides, if was a nice evening, who wouldn’t want a nice walk?

By the time they got down the Europa Centre, it was getting dark and it was starting to get a little busy, but they managed to find a nice little Italian Restaurant where they sat and ate.

With being a large group, they had had to split up over a number of tables, but thankfully, they were still in talking distance with one another. As they ate their meals, they would constantly talk to each other and smile and laugh. It was a great atmosphere anyway, which made the whole thing just seem that little more relaxing.

By the time they got back to the hotel, each and every one of them was worn out. Willow and fallen asleep in her dad’s arms after not being able to walk anymore and as Gary carried Daisy in his, it was clear to see that she wasn’t far off either.

...

A while later, Mark stood outside the apartment looking out at the view. He could see the sea and the beach which he planned to spend some time on this coming week. Even at night it was still a remarkable place – maybe even more remarkable. It was cooler now, but the breeze never once made Mark shiver in his T-shirt and knee-length shorts he was wearing. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh. When he opened them again, he saw Robbie coming up next to him and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, not tired?” Robbie asked.

“I’m exhausted, just don’t think I’ll be able to sleep yet, that’s all.” Mark said. “What ‘bout you?”

“Knew you’d probably be out here and so I came to see how you were.” Robbie said honestly.

“You don’t have to, y’know. I’m perfectly OK on my own.” Mark said, but he couldn’t help but smile at Robbie’s gesture.

“I know, but I like talking to you when it’s just the two of us.” Robbie said. He then wrapped an arm around Mark’s waist and brought him into a tight one-harmed hug.

“I like it too.” Mark said looking up at Robbie with a loving gaze.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Robbie said after a moment of silence.

“Yeah, it certainly is.” Mark smiled.

“Thanks for coming up with this idea, Mark.” Robbie thanked him. “I’m so glad that we can do this together one last time.”

“It’s all right, there’s no need to thank me. But yeah, it is nice that we can do this one last time. It’s a nice way to end what has been an amazing life for me. I know it’s come with its fair share of rock bottom lows, but there have been some sky high moments too and they're the ones that I’m going to take to the grave with me. Times like this week, Easter, Christmas, the last tour, anything and everything where we shared a laugh, a smile, a happy tear. They’re memories that will last forever.” Mark said.

“And they’re the memories that we will make sure we never forget.” Robbie told him. “Not in a million years.”


	16. SIXTEEN

**Chapter Sixteen:**

A few days later, everyone was sitting on the beach looking out to sea. They sun was shining and the water was as blue as the sky. There were no clouds and there was a cool breeze. It was pure bliss. Mark lay on his towel on the sand with his eyes closed, facing the sky. He could hear the sound of the kids playing in the sea along with the sound of the other lads trying to build the best sand castle they could. He knew that Ayda, Emma and Dawn were talking to each other on their sun beds; he could hear them, but he couldn’t work out what they were saying to one another. Mark couldn’t help but smile and the calmness of everything.

He could feel himself, slowly, drifting off into sleep when he was violently awoken by a bucket full of sand landed on him. He awoke with a start and saw Howard standing over him with a smile on his face.

“Hey!” Mark said with a scowl.

“Stop sleeping and join in the fun.” Howard said.

“I wasn’t asleep; I was just resting my eyes.” Mark protested, but Howard wasn’t buying any of it.

“Sure,” Howard said, still not believing Mark for a second. “Now come on,”

“Fine, I’m coming.” Mark said and let Howard help him up. Howard then led Mark over to where the others were still building sandcastles.

“Oh, you’re awake!” Robbie grinned as Mark knelt down beside him.

“I wasn’t asleep.” Mark said. “I was relaxing; listening to the sounds around me.” Mark told him.

“OK, whatever you say.” Robbie smiled at him and ruffled his hair with his sandy hand. Mark looked at him and shook his head, trying to get as much of the sand out of his hair as he could. The others just laughed.

The five of them continued to make sandcastles for a little while longer. Eventually, it looked like they had made one big town of castles that were so close together they could possibly be merged into one. Jason got up and went to grab the camera before coming back and standing over their build so he could get a picture of it.

“Perfect,” he said once the picture had been taken. “Now what shall be do?” He asked.

“I’ve got an idea.” Robbie said and he picked up Mark before he could do anything about it and ran to the sea.

“Robbie, put me down!” Mark said. “You’ve done this to me once already!” Robbie ignored him and once waist-deep in the sea, he held Mark with a menacing look on his face. “Don’t you dare.” Mark warned, but Robbie just smiled at him before dropping Mark so that he splashed into the water. By now, the others had come in to and couldn’t help but laugh at the look on Mark’s face once he surfaced the water. “Seriously, was that necessary?” Mark asked.

“Yep,” Robbie said laughing. “Lighten up, Marky. It’s only a bit of fun.” Mark gave him a look of death before pulling him under the water.

“God, it’s the pool all over again.” Gary groaned, but with a smile on his face. Suddenly, he felt something grab his leg and he was pulled under the water. Jason and Howard couldn’t help but laugh, but the smiles on their faces were cut short as, they too, were pulled underneath the surface.

The five of them surfaced seconds later, all laughing and smiling. Mark splashed water in Howard and Jason’s direction before sucking under the water, to avoid being splashed back.

No-one knew how long they were in there for but the lads soon found themselves having a full-on splash fight; laughing and smiling at each other like a group of kids.

When they finally did decide to make their way out of the water, they found that the kids had made their own way out some time ago and were playing in the sand. Mark looked up at the sky and saw that it was starting to get a little late. It was a little bit colder than it was a while ago and Mark couldn’t help but shiver before grabbing his towel and wrapping himself in it.

“Cold?” Emma asked.

“Yeah, a little.” Mark replied. “Maybe we should make a move now; it’s starting to get late.”

“OK, I’ll start getting the kids ready.” Mark nodded and began to dry off before pulling his T-shirt over his head.

...

The next day, Mark was in the reception looking at the leaflets on display. He hoped that, by looking at these, it would give him some inspiration on what they could all do that day, because, right now, none of them had anything.

He scanned over the leaflets, seeing if any of them were remotely interesting, until his eyes came across one right in the bottom left-hand corner. He picked it up and looked at the cover. It was a leaflet to do with the boat trips to see the dolphins that lived around the island. Mark opened the leaflet and looked inside. There were stunning pictures of dolphins swimming around the boat. It always amazed him how friendly they were. He also loved how they always show off in the water making everyone smile in amazement and joy when watching these beautiful creatures.

Mark smiled to himself before heading back up to his apartment to show Emma and the kids the leaflet before getting everyone else together.

...

“I don’t think I’ve been on this many boat trips in one year.” Gary said as they all climbed onto the boat.

“You’ve been on two.” Robbie told him.

“I know, that’s a record when it comes to boat trips.” Gary smiled.

“Fair enough, I’m with you on that.” Once they were all sat down, it wasn’t long before the boat began to move.

“Blimey,” Gary said once they were about five minutes into the trip. “It’s a bit bumpy.”

“Well, it’s not exactly the Ouse, is it?” Howard laughed.

“No, it’s not.” Gary agreed. “Where’ve Mark and Rob gone?” He asked noticing that the two youngest members of their band had wandered off somewhere.

“They went down to the bottom on the boat.” Jason said.

“OK, what’s at the bottom of the boat?” Gary asked.

“There’s glass at the bottom of the boat that you can look out of; see what’s under the water.” Jason explained.

“Right,” Gary nodded. “Where’s everyone else got to?” He asked.

“Round the back of the boat.” Howard said.

“Right, let’s go find them.” The three of them then made their way towards the back of the boat where everyone, apart from Mark and Robbie, stood.

...

“It’s cool down here.” Robbie said as he and Mark walked down the ladder to the bottom of the boat. It was a small, dark space making it feel even more underwater. In the middle there were a few benches that faced either side of the room where there were panes of glass to look through. Mark walked over to one of the panes of glass and looked out of it. He couldn’t see anything other than water. He couldn’t work it whether that was because the boat was disturbing all the sea-life or whether the glass was too dirty to see anything through it. “I tell you what, though. It’s warmer down here than it us up there.” Robbie said he sat down on the bench where Mark was now sat and looked out of the window. “Not much to see, is there?” Mark stayed quiet and looked out of the window. It was then that Robbie realised that he hadn’t actually said anything since they had decided to come down here and that worried him. “Mark, you OK?” Mark stopped looking out of the window and looked at Robbie.

“I’m fine.” He replied.

“You sure? You’re very quiet all of a sudden.”

“Rob, I’m fine, promise.” Mark insisted, but Robbie still wondered.

“OK, if you’re sure.” Robbie thought it best to leave it there and not push Mark too much. He was just going to have to keep an eye on his best friend then.

“I’m sure.” Mark smiled at him and Robbie smiled back before Mark stood up again and made his way to the window. “Did you see that?” He asked.

“See what?” Robbie asked.

“I swear I saw something move just a moment ago.” Mark told him.

“Might have been imagining it. There doesn’t look like there’s anything out there right now.” Robbie said.

“Yeah, probably. Maybe I’ve finally lost it.” Mark laugh half-heartedly. It was meant as a harmless thing to say, but Robbie looked at him.

“No you haven’t Marky, don’t think like that.” Robbie told him.

“All right, sorry.” Suddenly he saw something move in the corner of his eye coming from the window. He looked straight at it and this time, instead of there being nothing there, a second after looking at the window, both Mark and Robbie saw the familiar shape of a bottle-nose dolphin swim past the bottom of the boat. A grin grew on both men’s faces and Mark knelt down by and put his hand on the cold glass. “Wow,” he breathed with a grin still plastered to his face. Robbie came and knelt down beside him.

“Certainly something.” He said. He put a hand on Mark’s back and watched Mark, with a smile on his face, as the smaller man watched, mesmerised, by the site of the dolphin passing.

“I wonder if we can see them up top.” Mark said. He jumped up and ran to the ladder, climbing up it as quickly as he could. Robbie watched for a second before following him. By the time Robbie made it back up to the top of the boat, Mark had found the others and was now looking over the edge of the boat, pointing to something in the sea with a grin on his face.

Robbie came up beside him and immediately saw what everyone else was looking at. In the sea, were a school of dolphins? All of them were following the boat as it continued to move in a steady path along the water. Occasionally, one or two of the dolphins would jump out of the water and perform a couple of tricks before diving back under. It was like they were putting on a show for the passengers on the boat.

“Why did we never think of dolphins for any of our tours?” Howard shouted over the noise of the boat.

“Why don’t you?” Mark shouted back. “It would make a great show.” The others looked at Mark briefly, but Mark just smiled at them. That was one thing they hadn’t really sat down and spoke about: what would happen to the band when Mark was gone? Could they carry on without him? They all knew that Mark would probably want them to, but it was whether or not they thought they would be able to. When they got back, that was one of the things they were going to have to all seriously think about.

“Hey, look!” Jason pointed to a dolphin at the side of the boat, who was looking up into it. It seemed to be smiling at them. Just the sight of this magnificent creature was enough to widen the smiles on everyone’s faces until they hurt, but no-one cared.

The camera came out a second later and a string of pictures were taken soon after. The dolphin didn’t seem to be bothered one bit by the camera in front of it; in fact, it seemed to like it and used the opportunity to show off slightly.

“You’re a cheeky fella, aren’t you?” Mark smiled at the dolphin and it made a noise in reply that could have been meant as confirmation to what Mark had said to it.

“I don’t think I’ve seen anything quite as beautiful as this.” Emma said from where she stood with the kids, who were still looking at the dolphins following the boat. “This is quite some trip.” She smiled over at Mark who was still fussing over the dolphin by the side of the boat.

“Looks like Mark’s made a new friend.” Ayda laughed.

“It was only a matter of time.” Dawn said with a smile.

“He does realise he can’t take it home, doesn’t he?” Ayda asked. Emma laughed.

“Knowing Mark, he’ll want to.”

Completely oblivious to the fact that the three women were talking about him, Mark continued to talk to the dolphin, who, each time, would answer to him with the same noise as before. Mark had no idea whether or not the dolphin could understand him or not, but it seemed to be listening. He didn’t know it, but the other guys had managed to get quite a few pictures of Mark and his new friend before turning back round so they weren’t caught.

“Hey, Marky, made a new friend?” Robbie asked as he came and stood by Mark.

“Seems that way, he’s a very good listener.” Mark replied.

“What have you been telling it?” Robbie asked.

“Not much, just the usual things you ask a dolphin at the side of the boat.” Mark grinned.

“Such as?” Robbie laughed.

“Whether or not he thinks the boat needs a repaint.” Mark said.

“And?” Robbie awaited the answer.

“I don’t know, I don’t speak dolphin.” Robbie couldn’t help but laugh and Mark soon joined him. The dolphin made its noise and Mark and Robbie turned to look at it. “Sorry mate, were we ignoring you?” Robbie swore he saw the dolphin nod and couldn’t help but smile. The dolphin then went under the water and came back a moment later. “You gotta go?” The dolphin seemed to nod again and Mark smiled. “OK, off you go, then. Go and join your friends and family.” Mark stroked the dolphin’s head and the dolphin made one last noise as if to say ‘goodbye’ before making its way back to the rest of its kind. Both Mark and Robbie smiled as they watched the dolphin swim away.

“You never cease to amaze me, y’know that, right?” Robbie said, putting an arm around Mark.

“I do now,” Mark smiled up at his friend before the two of them made their way back to the rest of group, getting ready to turn back around and head back to the harbour.

...

Once off the boat, they all headed towards a nearby restaurant for a spot of lunch before heading back to the hotel.

When they were back at the hotel, they went into the restaurant and bar area and grabbed a couple of tables while watching what music videos came up on the TV. It only took them a moment to realise that they were one person down.

“Where’d Jay go?” Howard asked once they were sat down.

“I dunno, he was here a minute ago.” Mark said looking around.

“Maybe he went back to your apartment to get something.” Gary suggested.

“Here he is!” Robbie said as he saw the familiar shape of Jason Orange making his way towards the tables. “Has he got a guitar?” Robbie asked noticing the instrument in Jason’s hand.

“Jay, where’d you go and where d’you get the guitar from?” Howard asked as Jason sat down.

“I went back to the apartment and I brought it with me. Didn’t you guys notice?” He asked. The others shook their heads. “Seriously? You didn’t notice me with a large guitar case?”

“Seeing you with that guitar is like second nature.” Howard said.

“I wasn’t looking at people’s luggage.” Mark said. “I was more worried about making it out of the airport in one piece.”

“Ah, well, I brought it with me. I thought there might come a point when we all fancy a little sing-song together. That and Gary’s bound to come up with some new song on this trip.” Jason smiled at his friend.

“Well, why don’t you guys do something now? Bring people in for a night of entertainment.” Dawn suggested.

“We’re not doing a whole concert.” Gary said.

“A couple of songs will do.” Robbie said.

“I don’t think I’ve played in anything this small since 2005.” Mark grinned. “And to be honest, this is probably bigger than some of the venues I had as a solo artist.”

“Now come on Mark, you know that’s not true.” Robbie said. Mark just shrugged, with a smile on his face.

“Come on then, let’s go.” Howard said. “What song shall we do?”

“How about _Wooden Boat_?” Robbie suggested. Jason scowled at him.

“No, I’m not singing solo. Besides, you don’t even know the words.” Robbie just laughed.

“So, we’re gonna do an old one?” Gary asked, the others nodded.

“ _Back for Good_?” Mark suggested.

“No, we do that one a lot.” Howard said.

“And I don’t really fancy singing.” Gary said.

“Oh, right, so that leaves us with so much choice.” Robbie said sarcastically.

“ _Everything Changes_?” Gary suggested.

“No, I don’t really fancy singing either.” Robbie grinned and Gary hit him.

“What then?” Mark asked. “If you too don’t want to sing and we’re doing an old song. That, pretty much, leaves two songs.” Mark looked at Howard.

“Not doing _Never Forget_ , we’ve only got a guitar. Too big of a song for that and besides, I think that song involves all five of us singing lead at some point.” Howard said.

“Right then, that settles it, we’re gonna have to do _Babe_ then.” Jason said with a smile at Mark.

“Hey, don’t I get a choice whether I want to sing or not?” Mark asked.

“No,” everyone replied at the same time and Jason started to play the intro chords. Mark sighed in defeat and looked at his friends with a look of mock annoyance. The others just smiled at him before Mark started to sing:

 _I come to your door_  
to see you again  
But where you once stood  
Was an old man instead  
I asked where you’d be  
He said: “She’s moved on you see  
all I have is this number  
you better ask her not me.”  
So I picked up the phone  
and dialled your number  
not sure to put it down or speak  
then a voice I once knew  
Answered in a sweet voice  
she said “hello,” then paused  
before I began to speak

 _Babe_  
I’m here again  
I tell you I’m here again  
Babe  
Where have you been?

 _Babe_  
I’m back again  
I tell you I’m back again  
Babe  
Where have you been?

As the lads continued to sing, their families smiled at the sight of the band playing together for what was likely to be the last time ever. As they did, people began to come into the room and watched as the band played their song. It was special moment of everyone in the room and when the lads finished, they received a large round of applause from everyone in the room and the five of them couldn’t help but get up and bow to their audience that they hadn’t really seen appear. Everyone had smiles on their faces and for the rest of the night the good atmosphere continued. The lads didn’t sing another song, but they were able to go and chat to the other holiday makers who were staying at the hotel. Surprisingly, no-one seemed that bothered about who they were and when they spoke they spoke to the lads as if they were just like anyone else they had met. It felt relaxing and no-one worried about a thing. As it started to get late, the kids started to fall asleep and so everyone knew that it was time to head back to their apartments. They bid goodnight to everyone before making their way out of the restaurant; the buzz of the night still with them. If only the months to come were going to be as carefree and smooth as this night, then things would be so much easier to deal with. However, no matter how hard anyone wished, they all knew that the road was only going to get harder to climb.


	17. SEVENTEEN

**Chapter Seventeen:**

The rest of their holiday went by in a flash and by the time it came to bid goodbye to everyone they had met since their arrival, each and every one of them still had a smile on their face. Even through the manic airports of Las Palmas and Heathrow, no smile faded – even for a second.

At Heathrow, they all bid goodbye to each other before making their way back to their homes. They knew, however, that it was inevitable that they would meet up again in a few days time.

By the time they were near the house it was dark, the kids were fast asleep and Mark knew that he wasn’t far off from following them. He was exhausted. He now realised how much energy their holiday had taken out of him and he was worried that he was going to have to sleep a lot for the next few days, just to keep his energy levels up as high as they would go. He didn’t want to be bedbound, but he knew that in a few months it was going to get harder for him to make it through the day without long naps in the middle. The last thing he wanted was to have to waste time with sleep he didn’t want. It just wasn’t how he wanted to spend the short amount of time he had left.

Mark didn’t realise he had fallen asleep in the car a second later, until he opened his eyes and found himself being carried up the stairs in Robbie’s arms. His head was resting gently on the top of Robbie’s arm and he could feel Robbie holding him tightly and as close to him as possible. He lifted his head off Robbie’s shoulder and gave him a small, tired smile. When they were at the top of the stairs, Robbie realised that Mark was now awake and looking up at him; his blue eyes sparkling. Robbie smiled down at him, but didn’t say anything. There was no need, the smiles, alone, that passed between them were more than enough to determine what it was that could have been said. But, at the end of the day, words could never compare to the way the two of them looked at each other in that brief moment.

Robbie walked into Mark and Emma’s room with Mark still held tightly in his arms. The room was dark, but it was just light enough to see the contents of the room. Robbie made his way over to the bed in the middle of the room and, carefully, lay Mark down on top of it. The small man then curled up on top of the sheets and smiled at Robbie once more. Robbie couldn’t help but smile back at him before taking off Mark’s boots and pulling the cover up over Mark.

He then knelt down by the bed and made sure that Mark was properly tucked in by gently pulling the duvet up over his shoulders more. He then moved his hand from the duvet and used it to gently stroke Mark’s hair as Mark hugged the duvet to himself and closed his eyes, letting out a small, but contented sigh in the process. Robbie couldn’t help but press a small kiss to Mark’s forehead before stroking his hair once more.

“Night, night, Marky.” Robbie whispered before standing back up and making his way out of the room. He pulled the door up slightly and went next door to his room where Ayda was already getting ready for bed.

...

It was late November before anyone knew it. No-one really knew where the time had gone, but it had gone by rather quickly. It seemed like time had sped up and that was bad news as it meant February was creeping up on them at an alarming rate.

Mark sat in his room with bits of paper strewn all over the mattress on the bed. He wasn’t feeling good today, but he wasn’t feeling tired enough to go to sleep. He hadn’t had that many bad days where he just felt like shit so far, but he knew that he was likely to get more and more as his time left gradually got shorter and shorter. But when he did happen to have a bad day, he would normally spend it in his room, thinking things through – that was if he had the energy to think properly. Thankfully, though, right now, he did and he was currently trying to write down a few things for everyone to remember once he was gone.

So far he had Emma and the kids done. They had been, surprisingly, easy to write. After thinking what he wanted to day to them, he found that he was able to keep a steady writing flow until he had finished. He was now trying to think of what he could say to the lads. He thought it would be easy, coming up with things that he wanted his friends to keep doing and remember. But, it was proving a very difficult task. The one he knew that was going to be more difficult than any of the others put together was the one he would write for Robbie. He had so much he wanted to say to his best friend, but he didn’t actually know how to form the words that might even begin to get his message across. Normally, Mark was good at saying things and forming the right words at the right time – he was a songwriter after all – but right now, no words felt as if they carried enough meaning for what he wanted to say.

Mark sighed. He had just about managed to pen a note for Jason and was about to start one for Howard. He didn’t know whether or not he had said everything he wanted to say; but then again, he didn’t have to give these to anyone just yet. He still had a few months and if, within that time, he thought of something better to say then he would write it down. However, the chances of that happening were very slim. After all, Mark was more than likely to have something else on his mind throughout the next few months.

Reading what he had written for Jason back, Mark couldn’t help but feel tears well up in his eyes. What he had written wasn’t exactly sad, but it was the thought that this would be one of the last things his friends and family got from him before he died. Once again, Mark couldn’t help but think how unfair life had been to him recently. But he wiped away his tears and carried on reading.

_Jason,_

_If there’s anything that I want you to remember, it’s this: never stop thinking; never stop coming up with wise things to say to everyone else. It’s what you do brilliantly. But also, promise me this: never think that your contributions to the band stop at dancing. I think, if you really believe in yourself, you can do anything and I know that you know that too._

_You are an amazing friend who has always been full of wisdom, but also has a great sense of humour and the capability to laugh at their own jokes. I know that we’ve bickered a lot – probably more than anyone else – but I need you to know that that’s probably what has made us such good friends. The fact that we do bicker but then make like it never happened and go back to smiling and laughing. I’ve never told anyone this, but I’ve often thought it; I would have loved to be more like you, wise and cleaver. Sometimes I wonder if you realise how you special you are to everyone – particularly Howard (yes, I’ve seen the way he looks at you!)_

_So, please, remember what I’ve told you and if nothing else, please remember how special you are._

_Thank you for everything,_

_Love Mark._

Not too long later, Mark managed to finish Howard’s letter.

_Howard,_

_Never fail to make any laugh, do you? And that’s what I really want you to keep doing. Keep making people laugh; keep making wise cracks at any possible moment. Just try not to annoy the hell out of people, yeah?_

_Also, another thing I want you to remember: don’t give up the DJing, ever. You are a great DJ – probably one of the best I’ve seen. And, you probably don’t know this, but I may have gone to one or two of your gigs during those ten years apart. I’m actually surprised no-one saw me, but then again, I think it was about 2000, so I don’t suppose anybody really remembered who I was._

_Anyway, thank you for everything that you have done for me in the past up ‘til now. You’ve made me laugh on so many occasions and I apologise for being a pain in the arse when you had to write with me. If I’m honest, if I were you, I probably wouldn’t like writing with me either. Don’t give up writing though. I think you underestimate yourself too much and you need to push yourself forward more. I know that Gary noticed that a long time ago and during the writing of the_ Progress _album, I could see him trying to get you to come out of your shell a little more. Promise me you will bring yourself forward more. You have so much to give musically and you need to realise that, just like the rest of us have._

_Also, one more thing, I’ve seen the way you look at Jason, what’s that all about, eh? Don’t worry though, I’ve seen the way he looks at you, too and, by the way, I’m not the only one who’s noticed, either._

_Don’t underestimate yourself anymore._

_Love Mark._

Mark smiled at what he had written. He wondered if, when he was gone, Howard and Jason might realise what everyone has known for years. He suddenly had a strange vision of himself, as a ghost, trying to play matchmaker. Mark let out a small giggle to himself before he started work on Gary’s.

_Gary,_

_Never forget what an amazing songwriter you are, or how much your family loves you. You are one of the most modest men I’ve ever met and I admire you for all the things you’ve done for many charities. Who else would get Chris Moyles up a mountain, eh? You are also a great friend and I just want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me; how you supported me in my writing and made me believe that I do have the ability that you do. You’ve been a rock for me and you’re always willing to listen to what I have to say. I know I drive you up the wall a lot of the time and for that I apologise, but somehow you always seem to make it into a compliment and I don’t know how you do that._

_Also, promise me that you will continue to look after everyone else like you have done. Especially Robbie. Please look out for him; I’m worried what might happen to him when I’m gone. Please make sure he doesn’t start dealing with his demons again because that’s what I fear will happen. It’s been a constant worry of mine for a long time and if there’s anyone that I know can make sure he’s all right, it’s you. But promise me you will look after yourself as well and don’t stress yourself out too much. On many occasions, I think that you work too hard and I do worry about you. I’ve always worried about you and how hard you work. Just promise me you won’t overdo yourself, OK?_

_Thank you again for being such a good friend, everything you have done has meant everything to me. And good luck with all the charity work I know you will never cease in doing. You are a national treasure – remind me to haunt the Queen until she gives you a Knighthood. Sir Gary Barlow has quite a nice ring to it, I think._

_Keep doing what you do best!_

_Love Mark._

He stared at the blank bit of paper on his lap, wondering, once again, what he could say to Robbie. Could he even write one to him? He didn’t know if he would even finish the letter without breaking down. But he had to, didn’t he? He had to write one to the one man who truly understood him; who knew him better than Mark knew himself. But what could he possibly say?

_Robbie,_

_I need you to understand that this is the not the end, OK? There are so many things that I want to say to you, but I can’t find the words that sound right or that even begin to get the meaning of what I want to say across. Funny, really, considering I make a living out of writing music and lyrics. You would think I would be able to come up with something easily, but the thing is, no piece of music, no lyrics, no poem are any use to me right now._

_You’re my best friend and I have so much I want to thank you for. I know that you feel like I have nothing to thank you for, but I do, I really do. Without you, I would never have made it through 2010 and I probably would have left the band after thinking I couldn’t go in a studio again. You helped me more than you know through those dark days. And after that, you kept making sure that I was all right and that things were getting better. I remember throughout the tour last year, you always gave me a tight hug if I was ever feeling down; you would make me laugh, both on and offstage. I would watch your section backstage with a big smile on my face and wait for you to come off before giving you a tight hug and kiss on the cheek and then we’d go and get ready for_ The Flood. _Those are just some of the moments I want to thank you for. I’ve always said it’s the little things that count and they’re what we remember with great fondness._

_But there’s something else I want to thank you for. Thank you with all my heart for what you have done for me in this past year. From the moment I told you that I was sick that night in your hotel room, drunk and scared, you have been there for me no matter what. Even through the days when I refused to talk; to let my guard down, you never once gave up on me when I was so sure you would have done – should have done. I know that I’ve probably told you this already, but I’m glad that it was you who came with me to the hospital the day that everything truly changed; the day I found out I was going to die. Had it been anyone else, I don’t think I could have gone through with it. But because it was you, I knew you would be there for me, no matter what. I knew that you would know how to comfort me when the bad news came. You’ve always known what I need and when; always known when I need help. Without you by my side, I would have given up months ago. I suppose the only reason I’m here now is because I have you. You’ve kept me going this long and in that time I’ve managed to do so many of the things I’ve wanted to do with my time left – all with you by my side. I can’t ask for any more than that._

_So promise me this, Robbie; when I’m gone, don’t blame yourself, don’t ever think that you haven’t done enough for me, because you have. You’ve done more than I could ever ask of you and I really love you for that. And also, promise me another thing, look after yourself. I’m worried what will happen to you when I’m gone. I’m worried that the demons might come back and haunt you again. I don’t want that to happen to you again, because you are better than they are and you always have been. Don’t give in, don’t fall apart again. Stay strong. And that’s all I ask of you, that you stay strong. Please, for me, Robbie. Stay strong for me._

_Thank you for being my best friend. I love you so much and I will forever be with you. You just have to know where to look and I’ll be there: forever._

_Don’t let the demons win._

_Love Mark._

Mark could feel the tears run down his face as he finished Robbie’s letter. He didn’t want to cry, but he couldn’t stop himself. The tears ran down his face uncontrollably and he soon felt sobs attack his body. He brought his legs up and hugged them close to his chest. He also hugged the letters close to him as well before resting his head on his knees as he continued to cry. He was going to miss everyone when he was gone. He didn’t want to leave anyone. If wasn’t fair! It wasn’t the first time Mark had thought that and it certainly wasn’t going to be the last. On more occasions than not in recent months, Mark wished he could turn back time and go back to when they were on tour and everything was looking up for him. If he could, he would tell himself to go straight to the hospital as soon as the tour was over and not leave it for those few months before finally deciding that something was wrong. If only he had done just that, he might have had a better chance of getting better; the chemo might have worked and he might be happy and healthy and living his life without the constant knowing that he was going to die soon. If only, if only, if only. Mark had been thinking of a lot of ‘if onlys’ lately. If only he had done one of them. Things might be different now.

Mark soon wore himself out and eventually fell into a troubled sleep. The ‘if onlys’ he kept thinking of never once leaving his head; never once leaving him to sleep peacefully.


	18. EIGHTEEN

**Chapter Eighteen:**

Before anyone knew it, Christmas was upon them. The weather outside was cold and frosty, but there was no snow on the ground again this year. Mark would have liked it if there had been. He would have loved his last Christmas to be a white Christmas, but there were just some things that were too much to wish for and white Christmases were one of those things.

It was late on the night of Christmas Eve and everyone was just about getting ready to go to bed. The kids had gone up a few hours ago. Mark couldn’t help but smile at the sight of his son and daughter bounce up the stairs like they normally did on Christmas Eve night. He remembered how he used to act on Christmas Eve when he was a kid. He remembered bouncing up the stairs with his stocking, willing himself to quickly fall asleep so Father Christmas would come and visit. As he grew up, he stopped believing in Father Christmas as every child does eventually, but his excitement never once faded. He was still as excited by Christmas as he was thirty-odd years ago.

Emma and Ayda made their way up to bed first, leaving their husbands in the highly decorated living room on their own.

Both Mark and Robbie sat on the sofa, facing the tree. The only light in the room was coming from the lights on the mantle-piece and the Christmas tree. It felt very cosy and despite it being below freezing outside, Mark felt very warm just sat where he was.

Robbie looked at Mark before putting an arm around the older man’s shoulders. Mark turned to look up at his best friend and smiled a bright smile at him. Robbie could tell that he was excited about tomorrow, as he always was, but he could also detect the sadness hidden behind Mark’s gleaming smile.

“You all right?” Robbie asked after a little while of sitting in silence.

“Yeah, I think so.” Mark replied with a sigh. He lent on Robbie so that his head was resting on his shoulder. He sighed again, this time it was a sigh that told Robbie Mark was contented, comfortable and probably about to fall asleep.

“You tired?” He asked and the answer he received was a yawn from Mark who then just simply shook his head and curled up on the sofa, closing his eyes. “You are such a liar, Marky.” Robbie laughed. Mark just smiled at him with his eyes still firmly shut.

“No, ‘m not.” Mark mumbled sleepily. Robbie just shook his head at his friend before deciding what to do.

“Come on; let’s get you upstairs to bed. You can’t stay down here all night.” Robbie said as he began to move so he could pick up Mark in his arms.

Mark groaned in a way that told Robbie he wanted to left where he was, but Robbie knew that the best thing to do was to take him upstairs to Emma. Mark didn’t open his eyes though. If Robbie didn’t know any better, he would say that Mark was now asleep.

He smiled at the small man, asleep, in his arms before he started to carry him up the stairs into his room where Emma was waiting for him. He opened the door and Emma sat up on the bed as soon as she saw Robbie carry her husband into their room. Robbie smiled at her, which relaxed Emma. She let out a sigh of relief. For a moment there, she thought that Mark had gone. But seeing Robbie smile at her, she knew that he was just asleep.

“God, is he all right?” Emma thought it best to ask anyway. She tried to disguise the worry and fear in her voice, but didn’t quite manage to. Robbie came over and gently lay Mark down on the bed and he and Emma tucked him in.

“He’s fine, don’t worry. He’s just sleeping.” Robbie said. “Thought it was best if I brought him up. Couldn’t leave him down there all night.” He said.

“Thank you.” Emma smiled at Robbie and Robbie smiled back at her.

“No worries.” He replied. “Right, better go to bed now. See you in the morning.” He made sure Mark was tucked in tightly before gently stroking his hair and smiling at Emma again, who simply smiled back before settling back into bed next to Mark.

“See you in the morning, Rob.” She said back as Robbie made his way to the door, pulling it up behind him once he was through.

...

“IT’S CHRISTMAS!!” Is what both Mark and Emma were awoken by the next morning. Opening their eyes they saw both their children sitting on the bed with gleaming smiles on their faces which were full of excitement. Despite still being tired, Mark couldn’t help but laugh and managed to force himself out of bed a second later. Emma soon followed and as Emma took the kids downstairs, Mark went to knock on Robbie and Ayda’s door.

As he knocked on the door, Mark could no longer contain the excitement he felt. A smile broke on his face as he knocked once more on the door in front of him.

A second later, Robbie opened the door and looked at Mark. It was obvious that he had just woken up and really wasn’t in favour of an early morning. If there was one thing that Mark knew Robbie didn’t like, it was early mornings, but it was Christmas so an early morning was all part of the essential Christmas package.

“Merry Christmas.” Mark said, the gleaming smile on his face growing.

“Merry Christmas, Marky.” Robbie replied with a tired smile.

“Come on, you coming downstairs?” Mark asked.

“Five more minutes?” Robbie asked with a smile, though he knew that there was no-one Mark was going to let him get away with that because if it wasn’t Mark trying to wake him up, then you can rest assure that he would get Elwood to do it for him and that was a scary thought all together.

“No chance, mate.” Mark laughed.

“Err, fine. Meet you downstairs in a minute then.” Robbie said.

“OK, you better not go back to sleep though.” Mark said with a warning look.

“I won’t,” Mark smiled once more at his friend before he made his own way downstairs where Emma and the kids were waiting by the tree.

“Mark, what time are the lads coming round?” Emma asked as Mark made his way into the living room and sat down on the sofa next to his wife.

“About twelve-ish, I think.” Mark said.

“OK,” Emma nodded. “Where’re Rob and Ayda?” Emma asked.

“Coming,” Mark said with a smile. “And if they’re not down in a minute, I’m sending Elwood.” Mark grinned. Emma couldn’t help but laugh.

As promised, a minute later, Robbie and Ayda came down the stairs and into the living room. They smiled at everyone before sitting down on the sofa.

“Right, shall we open the presents now?” Robbie asked putting his arms around both Mark and Ayda. Everyone just laughed as the kids immediately made their way to the tree, grabbing presents.

“Look at what you’ve caused, Robbie.” Mark laughed. Robbie just grinned.

...

By twelve, Gary, Dawn and the kids had arrived. Almost immediately, Daniel, Emily, Daisy, Elwood and Willow were playing together in the living room. Once they were fully occupied, everyone else made their way into the kitchen.

“So, nothing gone wrong yet?” Gary asked as Mark bent down to check on how the turkey was doing.

“Not yet, but thanks for saying that, Gaz. Now something’s bound to go wrong.” Mark said standing back up and looking over at his friend.

“I’m sure nothing will go wrong.” Emma said from where she stood.

“Yeah, but remember, Marky’s involved. Anything could go wrong.” Robbie joked. Mark just looked at him before hitting him with the over gloves. “Only joking, mate.” Robbie grinned. Mark just gave him a look of death, making everyone laugh.

By half past twelve, both Jason and Howard had turned up. The fact that they turned up together made Mark smile, one day, they would realise: one day.

For some reason they had all decided that all crowding together in the kitchen was a good idea. Well, that was before Mark had very nearly managed to drop a number of things trying to make his way through the mass of people in the kitchen. The third time it nearly happened, Robbie couldn’t help but laugh.

“See, I told you. Anything could go wrong with Marky involved.” Robbie joked. Mark just hit him again, but Robbie could tell that he wasn’t really mad at him.

“The kitchen wasn’t built for eight fully-grown adults to all just stand around.” Mark said.

“Well, seven fully-grown adults and one that didn’t quite finish growing.” Robbie mumbled, but purposely loud enough so everyone could hear. Everyone laughed again, except Mark, who gave Robbie yet another hit on the arm. “Hey, I thought it was Christmas, not hit Robbie day!” Robbie said with a smile. Mark just shook his head, but Robbie could detect a hint of laughter in Mark’s eyes.

Finally, with all jokes aside, by one o’clock, Christmas dinner was finally ready – without any trouble, thankfully. Everyone helped to put the food on the table before calling the kids into the dining room.

“Merry Christmas, everyone.” Mark said lifting up his glass of coke with a smile on his face. Everyone followed. “May this be a joyous Christmas that we will never forget.” Everyone tapped glasses and there were smiles all round. Once the toast was over with, food made its way around the table and everyone ate without ever letting the smiles on their faces fade.

“Let’s pull crackers!” Howard announced once as everyone had finished. Everyone couldn’t help but laugh at how sudden he had said it and a minute later, there were crackers flying everywhere and a sea of bright coloured paper hats soon followed. Not too long later, the really bad, but essential, Christmas cracker jokes were soon read out. They were just as bad this year as they were last year, but along with the groans that followed, a few laughs could be heard at how bad they actually were.

After dinner, everyone sat in the living room together to watch the Queen’s speech. The kids weren’t really paying attention to anything that was on the TV; as they were too busy playing around with the toys they had got that morning to worry about anything else. And, to be honest, no-one was really paying attention, either. They were happy in their own minds, just thinking about how amazing this day had already been and it was nowhere near over yet.

Once the Queen’s speech had finished, Mark suddenly had an idea.

“How about we go for a Christmas walk down to the park?” He suggested.

“Sounds like a good idea, I think we could all do with some fresh air.” Jason said.

And with that everyone began to get ready to go out. It was bitter cold and as soon as they made their way outside the door, each and everyone felt the cold hit them. But if there was something that they weren’t going to let get in the way of their outing, it was the cold.

Together they walked the short walk to the park. There weren’t that many people around, but those that were smiled at them as they walked passed. Of course, the smiles were returned followed by someone saying: “Merry Christmas”.

The park was fairly empty, too. A few families were out and their children were running around, laughing and smiling. They walked towards one of the many benches by the trees and the kids went off and started chasing each other in and out of the trees they had sat by. It wasn’t long, however, before Mark decided to join in their game of hide and seek. Of course, the kids had made him count while they went off to try and hide as best they could.

“Ready or not, here I come.” Mark said, uncovering his eyes after counting to one hundred like he had been told to. He then began to slowly make his way in and out of the trees, hoping to find the kids that were hiding within.

“Oi, Marky; you’re looking in the wrong place.” Howard grinned. Mark gave him a confused look before he heard something coming from underneath the benches that everyone was sitting on. He looked at everyone sat down, who just grinned at him innocently before walking, slowly, towards the bench and bending down.

“Ah ha, there you all are! Found you!” Mark said, as there, under the bench; laid all five of the kids with cheeky smiles on all their faces. “All right, out you come or I’m coming to get you.” Mark said with a grin. The kids just continued to smile at him and didn’t make any sort of attempt to move from where they were. Having realised that they weren’t going to come out, Mark sighed and began to crawl under the bench towards them. The kids just laughed and began to make their way out from under the bench. “Hey, now that’s not fair.” Mark said. He tried to make his own way out the way he had come, but found that getting out from underneath the bench wasn’t easy. “Little help,” Mark said as he struggled to crawl backwards.

Robbie stood up from where he was sat and bent down by Mark and helped him out from under the bench. Once he was finally out, Robbie smiled at him as Mark stood up and dusted himself off.

“I know you’re small, Marky, but there a few things you’re too big to do.” Robbie grinned. “Crawling under park benches is apparently one of them.” Mark just gave him a look as he finished dusting off his coat. “You all right, though?” He asked.

“Yeah, fine.” Mark smiled and sat down on the bench next to Robbie. Once he was sat down he rested his head on the taller man’s shoulder and yawned.

“Tired?” Robbie asked.

“Just a little.” Mark replied.

“Maybe we should get going.” Emma suggested looking over at them.

“No, not yet, let the kids have some fun.” Mark yawned again.

“Come on, mate, you’re wearing yourself out.” Gary said. “The last thing you need now is to be having to sleep constantly for the next few days.”

“All right, let’s go.” Mark said. He removed his head from Robbie’s shoulder and stood up along with everyone else. They grabbed the kids who, surprisingly, didn’t cause a fuss and made their way back to the house.

...

They all sat down in the living room, with the TV on, once they were back from the park. Mark had taken up most of the sofa, his head resting on Robbie’s lap. He was tired, but he didn’t want to sleep. He listened to the conversation that everyone else was having, every so often making a small contribution before falling quiet again; happy to listen to everyone else.

Every once in a while, he would feel Robbie, lightly, caress his head with tips of his fingers. Whether or not it was a conscious movement, Mark didn’t mind, it felt nice; comforting. It helped him to relax more and a few hours later while everyone else sat and were watching the Christmas special of _Doctor Who_ , the kids hiding under cushions at the weird, giant snowmen, Mark found himself slowly drifting off into sleep. He knew that he was unlikely to awake until morning, even though it was still rather early, but he didn’t mind about that. His last Christmas had been a special day. He had got to spend it with his friends, his family and that was all that really mattered to him – not how long his day had lasted, but how he had spent it. And as he finally fell asleep, Robbie still caressing his head every once in a while and the memories of the day still present in his mind, a smile made its way across Mark’s face.


	19. NINETEEN

**Chapter Nineteen:**

A week later, it was New Year. This time, they were all at Gary’s place, which was a nice change for all of them, especially Mark, who, ever since they had got back from Gran Canaria months ago, hadn’t really left the house much, apart from when he decided to go and have a walk in the park.

The thing that annoyed him though on the way to Gary’s was that Mark wasn’t able to drive everyone there. He had always loved driving down the roads to Gary’s house, but now he had to sit back and let someone else – namely Emma – drive for him. The only reason he couldn’t drive was because the hospital had deemed him unfit to in his condition. He could understand why though, he had been getting tired more frequently now and if he happened to fall asleep at the wheel, he would be risking everyone’s lives. But just because he understood the reasoning, didn’t mean he was happy about it.

Once they were finally at Gary’s, Mark knocked on the door and not a moment later, the door was opened revealing Gary’s smiling face standing in the doorway.

“Hi guys, come in.” He said letting his friends through the door into the house. They then made their way into the living room. Howard and Jason were already sitting in the living room, waiting for them to arrive. Mark and Robbie sat themselves down next to the two of them on the sofa while the kids went off and played and Emma and Ayda made their way into the kitchen.

“What is it with women and kitchens?” Robbie whispered to his three friends on the sofa next to him.

“Lord knows,” Jason laughed.

“What’s that?” Gary asked as he came into the living room.

“We were just wondering what it is with women and kitchens.” Howard informed him as he sat down.

“Oh, God knows.” Gary smiled. “Anyway, while they’re in the kitchen and the kids are playing what do you guys want to do?” Gary asked.

“No idea,” Howard answered.

“Sleep,” Mark said a moment later resting his head on Howard’s shoulder. The others looked at him with concern.

“Are you all right, Mark?” Gary asked seriously. Mark didn’t answer.

“Mark?” Robbie asked putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Mmm?”

“You OK?” Jason asked.

“Mmm,” Mark said again.

“Is that a yes or a no?” Howard asked him.

“Yeah,” Mark answered.

“Yes?”

“Yeah,”

“How about you have a bit of a nap then, eh?” Gary suggested. “We’ll make sure that we’ve got enough popcorn to last the night.”

“You and your bloody popcorn!” Robbie said rolling his eyes, but with a smile on his face. Gary just grinned back at him and said nothing.

“Come on then, let Marky get some kip.” Howard said ruffling Mark’s hair before slowly moving so Mark could lie flat on the sofa. “You gonna be all right?” He asked as the others, too, stood up. Mark just nodded and closed his eyes, curling up on the sofa once everyone was standing.

“See you in a bit, Marky.” Jason said. Mark smiled with his eyes still shut and the others made their way out of the living room to leave Mark to rest. Robbie, however, stayed behind for a minute and bent down in front of Mark and run a hand through Mark’s hair.

“You OK?” Robbie asked. Mark opened his eyes and looked at him with a smile.

“I’m fine, if I sleep now I’ll probably be all right ‘til midnight.” Mark told him. It didn’t help the look f worry on Robbie’s face. “Robbie, seriously, I’m OK. I’m just a little tired.” Mark said. He took Robbie’s hand into his own and looked him in the eye.

“I’m scared, Mark.” Robbie admitted honestly, letting down the guard that he only really lowered when they were alone.

“I know,”

“I’m scared one day you’ll fall asleep and you won’t wake up.” Robbie told him. “I’m scared that that day might be today, or tomorrow. The hardest thing of all is not knowing when it’s gonna happen.” At this point, Mark could tell that Robbie was not far off breaking down and so, slowly, sat up and brought his best friend into a tight hug and kissed his cheek.

“I know, I’m scared, too. But it’ll be all right, Rob. I promise, it’ll be all right.” Mark promised him. He hated what this was doing to everyone more than what it was doing to him. He didn’t know how much more he could stand to see his friends suffer. It wasn’t fair on them.

Mark let go of Robbie and pressed a kiss to his forehead before lying back down on the sofa and smiling at his friend. “Now, off you go and help the others. I’ll be OK.” Mark told him.

“You sure? I’ll stay if you want me to.” Mark shook his head.

“No, you go with the others. Wake me up in a few hours or so.”

“OK, see you in a bit. Have a nice nap.” Robbie smiled at Mark and kissed his forehead as Mark closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. He then brushed a hand through Mark’s hair and stood up, making his way towards the kitchen where he assumed the others were waiting for him. As he walked out the door, he turned back round to take one last look at Mark before pulling the living room door up a little and leaving Mark to sleep.

...

By nine o’clock, Mark was awake again and he, along with everyone else, was sitting in the conservatory talking about the good things that they had been up to in the last year. Unknown to everyone else until that point, Mark had brought along with him the scrapbook that he had made with the rest of the lads a couple of months back and for at least an hour, they all looked at the photos and laughed with each other.

Also unknown to everyone, Mark had also brought the letters that he had written and he planned to give them to their rightful owners that night. The only thing was that he didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere they had created by giving them out. He didn’t want to make people sad, today of all days. Today was the end of the year and in a few hours time; it would be a new start. A fresh start. The year ahead was going to be hard enough for all of them and the last thing Mark wanted now was to start 2013 on a sad note. He knew that this was probably going to be the very last time they all had a laugh with each other and he wanted it to stay a laugh; he didn’t want his last laugh with everyone to end of a downer. So he kept the letters in his pocket – for now.

However, by half past eleven, Mark didn’t know how much longer he could put it off for. He put his hand in his pocket and fumbled with the letters that were in there. He let out a sigh and Emma looked at him with a concerned look on her face. It wasn’t long before the others followed suit.

“Mark, what’s up?” Emma asked. Mark looked at her.

“Nothing, it’s just...” Mark trailed off.

“Just what?”

“I’ve written something for each of you. Sort of what I want you to remember when I’m gone. I brought them with me, but I didn’t know if tonight was a good night to give them to you. I didn’t want to ruin the nice atmosphere we’ve got.” Mark explained.

“We won’t read them now if you don’t want us to.” Jason said.

“Yeah, it’s probably better if you read them when you’re on your own.” Mark said. He grabbed the letters out of his pocket and looked at them before he started to hand them out. “I didn’t really know how to say what I wanted to say in spoken words, so I thought the best way would be to write it down. It was hard, I have to say.” Once he handed out the letters he stood with two letters in his hand. “The kids are still playing so I’ll give these to them at a later date.” Mark said before sitting down. Emma put her arm around him, noticing that Mark was looking a little upset.

“Thank you, Mark.” She said. Mark turned to smile at her. “You OK?” Mark nodded and smiled again, this time at everyone.

A moment later, Mark looked down at his watch and saw that it was only fifteen more minutes until the start of the New Year.

“How much longer, Marky?” Gary asked.

“Fifteen more minutes.” Mark smiled.

“How about we make our way outside?” Gary suggested.

“Sounds like a good idea.” Howard said.

“I’ll go grab the kids,” Dawn said as everyone stood up. As she went off to grab the kids who were still playing, the others grabbed their coats and made their way outside into the cold night air, ready for the display for fireworks that they knew were not far away.

Thankfully, the night was clear and you could easily see the stars twinkling in the sky above. In just over ten minutes, the sky would be full of colour bringing in the New Year with a bang – as much in the literal sense as in the metaphorical sense.

Once the kids were outside along with Dawn, who went to stand with Gary, everyone grabbed a handful of popcorn that had been brought out with them and waited for the fireworks to begin.

“Four minutes left to go.” Robbie said with a smile and Mark turned to look at him.

“Was that an intended pun?” He asked, Robbie just grinned at him and ruffled his hair affectionately.

“Might have been, but there is only four minutes left.” He said with a smile.

A few minutes later, Gary looked down at his watch and smiled before starting the countdown, which only took a second for everyone else to join in.

“Five, four, three, two, one... HAPPY NEW YEAR!” Everyone said at the same time, all grinning and all with their arms around one another. They then lifted their heads just as the firework display began to take place. The kids all watched in awe at the bright colours entering the sky, while everyone else just beamed up at the stars. The start of a new year; the start of something new; that’s what this was. It was the start of a new beginning – for all of them. In fairness, it wasn’t going to be a great new beginning, but it was a new beginning all the same. The thing was, this day – this moment – also marked the end of something special; something that no-one wanted to truly face was going to happen. But, right at that moment, no-one thought about that. They were all living in the moment; right here, right now. And in this moment, they were all happy; all smiling; all watching the fireworks in amazement. In that moment, nothing else mattered. Nothing at all.

...

It was the first full week of the New Year and Mark was in his studio, on his guitar, singing the song he had written a few months back. He wondered what would happen to the song after he died. Would someone find it? Record it? He didn’t know. He hadn’t told anyone about it so far and so he doubted anyone would find it. It’ll become a lost song, a song no-one knows about. His last song ever written would never be discovered.

Mark shook the thought out of his head and continued to play the song. He suddenly wondered what would happen if he did tell someone about it. He wondered what they would say about it. He smiled for a second in his mind before getting back into the mood of the song.

He was so caught up in the lyrics that he didn’t notice when someone entered the studio. As Mark reached the final notes of his song, a voice behind him made him jump and turn around, somewhat startled.

“When did you write this?” Behind him stood Robbie with a piece of paper in his hands that had Mark’s notes written down on it.

“Fucking hell, Rob. Scare me to death, why don’t ya?” Mark said, one hand on his heart, the other holding the guitar to him.

“Sorry, mate. I thought you would have heard me come in.” Mark shook his head and Robbie sat down next to him. “So, when did you write this?” Robbie asked again. Mark took the paper off him and looked down at it.

“A few months back.” Mark answered.

“I didn’t know you were writing.” Robbie said. “Is that why you were in here a lot?”

“Yeah,” Mark nodded. “I didn’t want anybody to know, though. Back then, it was a case of I didn’t know if I would ever get around to finishing it. The idea came to me while I was still going chemo. I thought I might die before it got finished.” Mark admitted. “But, somehow, I’ve managed to finish it.”

“Let’s hear it then.” Robbie smiled.

“It’s not that good.” Mark confessed.

“Mark, you’re a great songwriter. I’m sure it’s brilliant.” Robbie told him.

“I think you forget I’ve got a deadly tumour.” Mark told him sadly. Robbie put an arm around him.

“Come on, Mark. I want to hear it regardless of how crap you think it might be.” Mark smiled at Robbie as he pulled away; giving Mark space to play the instrument he was still holding.

“All right, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Mark sighed before the first chords of the song came into play and Mark started to sing. His voice wasn’t as strong as it normally was, but it still carried the same emotion that it had always done.

 _We've been to hell and back_  
Together we were invincible  
And I know that without me you'll be able to carry on  
So stay strong  
my friends, stay strong for me

 _Don't fade away_  
Don't lose your way  
For this is not the end  
Stay strong through the pain  
Cos we will see each other again

 _Through all the laughter and the tears_  
We have been living in fear  
Cos the end is in sight  
Soon I will see the light  
And time will be up for you and me

 _Don't fade away_  
Don't lose your way  
For this is not the end  
Stay strong through the pain  
Cos we will see each other again

 _I see you hurting_  
I saw you crying  
It cuts me up inside  
But I stay strong

 _Don't fade away_  
Don't lose your way  
For this is not the end  
Stay strong through the pain  
Cos we will see each other again

 _I know that without me you'll be able to carry on_  
So stay strong  
My friends, stay strong for me

When Mark had finished singing his song, Robbie looked at him. Both men had tears in their eyes, but refused to let them fall. By the time the song had neared its end, Robbie had been worried that Mark’s voice would break, but he had managed to keep going until the final chords of the song. The lyrics had been what made Robbie very nearly cry. There was no hidden meaning behind them, they were straight to the point, yet full of the emotion that Mark clearly felt.

“Mark,” Robbie started.

“See, I told you it wasn’t that good.” Mark said putting his guitar down.

“No, Mark, it was amazing; beautiful.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“I’ve got tears in my eyes, Mark.” Robbie said. “You made me cry.” Mark turned to look at him before engulfing Robbie into a tight hug. Robbie hugged him back just as tightly, burying his head into the smaller man’s shoulder.

“It was hard to write.” Mark said into his chest.

“I can imagine.” Robbie said. “Maybe you should record it.” Robbie suggested. Mark pulled away and looked at him.

“What?”

“Record it.”

“I dunno,”

“I think you should, Mark.” Robbie told him.

“I don’t know if I’m well enough.” Mark said. He was started to feel ever so slightly tired now, but he had to admit, recording the song was a tempting thing to do. It had been so long since he had recorded anything.

“You don’t have to do it right now.” Robbie said. “I can tell you’re starting to get tired now, but there’s always tomorrow. Thing is, Mark, if you do want to record it, you can’t leave it too long now.”

“I know.” Mark smiled up at him. “I think I will record it, y’know. Sounds like a good idea.” Robbie smiled at him. “Can you help me?”

“Sure,” Robbie agreed.

“And, one more thing,” Mark said. “Please don’t tell anyone else about this. Not yet.” Mark said.

“OK,” Robbie agreed and Mark hugged him.

“Thank you.”

“No worries mate. Now come on, you look like you need a nap.” Robbie led Mark back to the house and helped him into bed before tucking him in. Mark smiled at him before Robbie placed a kiss to his forehead and he closed his eyes with a smile still a face. It wasn’t long until he fell asleep and Robbie stayed with him, sitting on the edge of the bed, gently stroking his hair as he did. Once Robbie was sure that Mark was fast asleep, he pressed one more lingering kiss onto the older man’s forehead before making his way out of the room, pulling the door up, leaving Mark to sleep in peace for a few hours.


	20. TWENTY

**Chapter Twenty:**

In what seemed like a blink of an eye, the end of January was fast approaching. Only a couple of weeks back, Mark had recorded his last song with the help of Robbie. It had probably been the hardest song he had ever had to record. A number of times throughout the recording process, he hadn’t been able to carry on singing, knowing his voice would break, and so Robbie had brought him into a number of tight hugs before he was ready to carry on.

It was only a few more days until Mark’s birthday now and the only thing that Mark had asked for was that no-one treated this as his last birthday. All he wanted was everyone to have a laugh; to have a good time; to make the most of the last happy time they were going to have.

On the morning of the 27th, Mark awoke late and, slowly, made his way down into the living room. He was tired today – very tired. If he was honest, all he wanted to do was sleep, but if he was lucky, over the course of the day, he might start to build up some energy. Though, for the last week or so, he hadn’t been feeling particularly hungry so Mark assumed that an increase in energy was probably off the cards.

He pushed open the door to the living room and was immediately taken aback by what and who he saw. He hadn’t a clue what the time was, but on the sofa sat Robbie, Ayda, Emma and the kids; plus on the other sofa sat Gary, Howard and Jason. As he walked through the door into the living room, everyone smiled at him and in return, he smiled back at them one his winning smiles, despite how tired he was feeling. Mark then made his way to the sofa and sat down in the small space between Robbie and Emma.

“How long have you guys been here?” Mark asked addressing his three friends on the opposite sofa.

“About forty-five minutes.” Gary answered.

“That long? Why didn’t you wake me?” Mark asked. He felt bad knowing that his friends had been sitting here while he slept away.

“Didn’t think it was fair if we woke you up.” Jason told him. “We know that you need to sleep a lot more.”

“I feel bad now, you should have woken me.” Mark told them.

“Mark, honestly, it’s fine.” Howard smiled at him. Mark smiled back at him and didn’t say anything else, but that didn’t mean he agreed with what he was saying.

“OK,” Mark said eventually with a smile.

“Anyway,” Gary said pulling something out from the side of the sofa. “We got you this.” He passed Mark a flat, small rectangular, wrapped present and smiled at him. “Happy birthday, mate.”

Mark looked at the gift he had been given in surprise. He didn’t really know what to say. He hadn’t expected to get anything today with his life expectancy now less than a month.

“Guys, you didn’t...” Mark started.

“We wanted to.” Robbie told him. Mark looked at him. “Go on then, open it.” Robbie encouraged. Mark did exactly what he said and began to tear the paper away. The paper landed on the floor and what was left in Mark’s hands was a small picture frame with a picture inside. At one look at the picture, Mark felt himself brought to tears. It was a picture of all of them on their holiday back in July, on the boat, with a school of dolphins behind them. Each and every one of them had a beaming smile on their face and, looking at this picture, Mark felt like he was back there, on the boat with the dolphins, his friends and his family. It had been the best time spent together since he had become ill.

“Guys...” Mark found he suddenly had no words to say to his friends. “Thank you.” He eventually said.

“Look at the back.” Jason said. Mark looked at him for a second before turning the picture frame over and looked at the back. There, across the whole of the back of the frame, were a number of handwritten messages from everyone. All of them were different, but they all had one thing in common; they all expressed how much they were going to miss him in one way or another.

He suddenly found him being pulled to the side slightly by Emma, who had wrapped an arm around him and had started to bring him into a tight hug. As she did, Mark wiped the tears from his eyes that had formed by reading the messages his friends had written for him.

“Thank you so much.” Mark said through his tears. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything, Mark.” Robbie told him, hugging the smaller man as well. Mark smiled at him and soon everyone else followed suit and hugged Mark on the sofa. Mark had to say, he felt a little squashed, but he didn’t care. He felt safe in the mass of people hugging him. He felt as though nothing could get to him in here and take him away from the people he loved. He only wished that to be true.

“I’ll keep it with me forever.” Mark told him in the middle of the huddle and in reply, no-one spoke any words, but hugged Mark tighter.

...

Later on, everyone was outside in the garden, watching the kids play. Despite the cold, everyone seemed happy and contented as they watched the football roll along the ground.

Even though it was only mid-afternoon, Mark felt like he had been up all day and into the night. He was tired, but he didn’t want to say anything that would ruin the day they were having. If he was honest with himself, all he wanted to do was curl up somewhere – either the sofa or his bed – and fall asleep. But he couldn’t bring himself to tell anyone. Before he could stop himself, Mark let out a yawn and immediately, Robbie looked over at him.

“You tired?” Robbie asked. Mark smiled at him.

“I’m fine.” He answered, trying to sound as convincing as he wanted to. However, Robbie knew when Mark was lying and Mark knew that it was unlikely that he would be able to convince Robbie that he was OK.

“No, you’re not.” Robbie said. He put an arm around Mark and the smaller man rested his head on Robbie’s shoulder.

“I’m a little tired.” Mark admitted. He wasn’t lying this time, but he wasn’t telling the truth either.

“Why don’t you have a lie down?” Robbie suggested, but Mark shook his head. “Mark, you look exhausted.”

“I’m OK, Rob. Promise.” Mark looked up at him with a look in his eye that, normally, Robbie would fall for. But because he was so tired, it didn’t faze Robbie in the slightest. In fact, it did the exact opposite.

“Mark, come on. You’ll wear yourself out.” Robbie said.

“I don’t want to go to sleep.” Mark confessed. “I want to stay out here with you guys. I hate sleeping, knowing that, really, I should be here with you.”

“Mark, stop thinking about us and think about yourself. You’re very sick, you need to sleep more.” Robbie told him and Mark could do nothing but agree.

“I don’t like this, Rob.” Mark said in almost a whisper.

“I know,” Robbie tightened his grip on Mark and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “Come on, let’s get you inside.” This time Mark nodded and let Robbie lead him inside the house. “Guys, I’m taking Mark in. He needs to sleep for a bit.” The others nodded and Robbie then led Mark inside and took him to the living room.

By the time they got inside, Robbie felt like he was half dragging Mark through the doors. Mark’s eyes were almost shut and he was starting to feel like dead-weight. Robbie knew that he was falling asleep as they walked so, just before they got into the living room, Robbie changed his mind about where to take him, scooped Mark into his arms and carried him upstairs to his room. All the way, Robbie could sense that Mark was slowly falling into sleep and for once, he received no pestering from Mark to put him down.

Once inside the bedroom, Robbie laid Mark down on the bed and tucked him in. He then sat on the edge of the mattress and took a picture off the bedside table. It was the one that they had given Mark earlier, who had put it up here for safe keeping once they had disbanded their hug. Robbie looked at the picture and found himself smiling sadly at it. He then looked over at Mark, fast asleep on the bed and smiled sadly down at him. He looked ill and weak and Robbie knew that it was only a matter of weeks before it all came to an end. It sounded horrible, but Robbie felt almost relieved that it wasn’t too long away now. That was only because he couldn’t stand to see Mark suffer in the way he had been doing for so long. It relieved him to think that in a matter of weeks, this would all be over and Mark’s suffering would finally cease. Other than that, Robbie was dreading when the time came. He didn’t want to lose his best friend – none of them wanted to lose Mark, but at the end of the day, they had done all that they could’ve to help him and it just hadn’t worked. It pained Robbie emotionally to think that this was how Mark would leave them. He had always been the life and soul of the band; the one who always put others before himself and always cared about anything and everything. In Robbie’s experience, there were few people like Mark in the world and sitting here now, Robbie couldn’t think what his life would be like without him. The closest thing he could come up with was an empty shell.

Robbie put the picture back on the bedside table and looked at Mark again. There were lines on his face that shouldn’t be there for a man of only 41; lines that had formed due to stress and suffering that he had been though over the last year and a bit. For a minute, Robbie wondered whether the lines on Mark’s face would smooth out when he died and there would be this impossibly young-looking man lying in a coffin, being lowered into the ground. The mere thought of Mark’s funeral made Robbie want to cry. He could feel the tears form in his eyes and the sobs build within him. Soon, he could no longer contain any of it and he started to cry. He forced himself to look away from Mark and bent over, putting his head in his hands.

Once he had managed to control the sobs, he looked back over at Mark and wiped the, still heavy flowing, tears from his eyes. He stood up before kneeling down beside the bed, taking Mark’s hand in his own. A sob escaped and a fresh set of tears trailed down his face. He wanted to say something; wanted Mark to hear how much he wanted things to get better. But he couldn’t force any words from his throat and so gently squeezed Mark’s hand used the other one to push back Mark’s hair, which, over the course of the last few months, had begun to start getting long again. He then pressed a kiss to his forehead, lingering for a few seconds before letting go and sitting back on the floor.

He continued to look at Mark for a few more seconds, before sighing, wiping all the tears from his eyes and standing back up. He let go of Mark’s hand as well and, before he turned around to leave, bent over Mark and placed a chaste kiss to Mark’s soft lips before stroking his hair once more and whispering in his ear.

“Happy birthday, Marky.” He then smiled a watery smile at him before making his way out of the room and back down the stairs, into the living room where everyone had gone after coming back in from the cold outdoors.

Before he reached the end of the staircase, Robbie made sure that as many of the tears were wiped away before going in the room. Once in the room, he sat down on the sofa and gave a small smile to everyone else.

With only a matter of weeks left until the end, every moment spent with Mark was a treasured one. Today had been the last time they would all get together and have a laugh, though, the realisation of that hadn’t kicked in yet and wasn’t going to for a few more weeks.


	21. TWENTY-ONE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If, by some speck of luck, you haven't needed a tissue by this point, I urge you now to go and get one. This chapter is the saddest of them all by far. I hope you have enjoyed the last twenty chapters. Thank you if you have read this far! :)

**Chapter Twenty-One**

It was now approaching the second full week of February. Since his birthday the month before, Mark had barely left his room. It was becoming an increasing struggle to walk around without wanting to keel over and sleep. Numerous nurses and doctors had been around checking that he was doing all right after Mark had refused to spend his final weeks in some hospital bed. Since the start, Mark had wanted to be in his house, around his family and friends when he died and that was what he was going to do.

The rest of the lads had been round every day since his birthday, often staying for hours at a time. Sometimes, they could come one by one and other times they would come all together. Either way, there hadn’t been a day so far where they hadn’t managed to pop round for an hour or two to see how he was feeling.

While he was lying on his bed, unable to do anything other than sleep, Mark knew that Robbie and Ayda were in search of a house not too far away from here. Robbie had told him that he had been thinking about it for a while now, stating that there was no way he could go back to LA now. Mark felt guilty that it was because of him that Robbie was doing this and had told Robbie so a number of times. He knew how much Robbie had liked it in LA, being able to live a life in a place where very few people knew who you were. Mark couldn’t believe that Robbie was going to give that all up, though, in a way, he already had.

...

It was slowly approaching Robbie’s birthday now and Mark had known what he was going to give his best friend as a present for weeks now. It was under his bed and had been there, wrapped up since before his own birthday. He had told Emma about it, saying that, if he didn’t make Robbie’s birthday, she was to give it to him on his behalf on the day of his birthday. Emma had agreed, but still told Mark that there was every chance that he would still be here, but Mark had just said that there was every chance he might not be.

By the 12th of February, Mark had slept constantly for two days flat. He hadn’t eaten anything in that time either and was now feeling weaker than ever. To be honest, he hadn’t eaten properly for about a month now and he had noticed that, within that time, he had become considerably thinner. Everyone had noticed it by now and it was like Mark was only a shell now. There was barely any life left in him and that terrified them. The thought that this is what had happened to Mark because of the tumour that had now harshly taken control of him.

After dinner, Robbie made his way up to where Mark still slept and pushed open the door. He wasn’t surprised to see Mark as still as anything under the sheets, the only sign of any movement coming from the sheets with rose up and down ever so slightly in the rhythm of Mark’s breathing.

Robbie walked up to the bed and sat down on the side facing Mark. He looked at Mark and couldn’t help but brush back the hair on his head. Mark obviously then realised that someone was with him because he let out a tiny groan from the back of his throat and his eyes flickered under their lids. Robbie smiled at him as Mark slowly opened his eyes for the first time in about ten hours. Robbie noticed how dark Mark’s eyes looked; there was very little trace of the light and sparkle that had previously been there; Mark’s blue irises now holding more grey than ever. Robbie hated this; hated what was happening to his friend. All he wanted to do was go back in time and make sure none of this had every have happened because none of it should’ve. Last year and this year were supposed to be good years for them – for all of them. But instead this had happened. Sometimes, Robbie wanted nothing more than to lash out at something or someone and force them to make things better. But there was no point. It was almost as if there wasn’t any point in anything anymore, not in Robbie’s world. Any meaning that had been there before was now fading along with Mark.

“How are you feeling?” Robbie asked, knowing that it was probably one of them most pointless questions he could ask at that point. The response he got was a groan from Mark which clearly signified what Robbie had known would be the answer: not good. “Do you want anything?” Robbie asked hoping he would get more from Mark this time.

“I want you to stay.” Mark answered quietly, the exhaustion evident in his voice.

“Yeah?” Mark nodded and Robbie smiled at him. “OK, I won’t go anywhere.” Robbie told him.

“Thank you.” Mark whispered with a tired smile. He then looked at Robbie and Robbie realised what Mark wanted.

“You want me to get in with you?” Robbie asked. Mark nodded again and Robbie smiled at him again before lying on top of the covers next to Mark. “Better?”

“Yeah,” Mark then snuggled up to Robbie and rested his head on Robbie chest just as Robbie wrapped his arms around the smaller man. “Robbie,” Mark said looking up at his friend.

“Yes Mark?”

“I love you.” He said after a slightly pause. Robbie smiled and kissed his head.

“I love you, too, Marky.” Robbie rubbed Mark’s arm.

“Are you really going to stay here after I’m gone?” Mark asked after what seemed like an age.

“Yeah, me and Ayda have already found a few houses that could be possibilities. Most of them not too far from here.” Robbie told him. “I thought I told you the other day.”

“I was probably asleep.” Mark said. “Don’t you want to go back to LA?”

“Not anymore.” Robbie shook his head.

“But you loved LA.” Mark said.

“I know, but I don’t think I can go back there now. If I stay here, I’ll always feel like I’m near you.” Robbie told him. That was the reason he didn’t want to go back to LA, he didn’t want to be too far away from Mark.

“Rob...” Mark started, but Robbie carried on.

“Staying here means I’ll feel like you’re always with me. This is where you live and so here is where I’m going to feel closest to you.” Robbie explained. Mark just looked up at him.

“Robbie, I’ll always be with you. No matter where you are.” Mark told him. “I’ll never leave you.”

“I know,” Robbie placed another kiss to Mark’s head. “But this is something that I have to do. You understand that, right?” Mark nodded.

“Of course I do,” Mark smiled another tired smile up at him before closing his eyes and snuggling up closer to Robbie. Robbie smiled and tightened his grip on Mark.

“I’m gonna miss you, you know.” Robbie told him, his tears filling with tears.

“I’m gonna miss you, too.” Mark said, his own eyes filling up. “But you’ll be OK without me.”

“Maybe,” Robbie was convinced. “Did I ever tell you that you were always my rock?” Mark looked up at his once more. “You always kept me grounded. Noticed how, every time I fucked up, I wasn’t with you? You’re the one who has kept me sane and I can never tell you how thankful I am for that.” Robbie told him and Mark didn’t know what to say to that. “I tried Mark; I really tried to help you as much as I could.” Robbie was close to crying now. “But I failed. I’ve failed you and nothing can change that.” Mark brushed the tears on Robbie’s face away with his hand and gently kissed his lips.

“No, no Rob, you never failed me.” Mark, too, was crying now. “You’ve done everything for me in this past year and I have everything to thank you for. Without you, I wouldn’t be here now.” Mark told him, tears of his own falling.

“No, you’d probably be well.”

“No, I would have died months ago. I would have faded away had you not been there. I’ve only lasted this long because of you.” Mark tried his hardest to convince Robbie, but he was so tired and the fire in his words was lost. But he needed Robbie to believe him; couldn’t let him believe that this was his entire fault and that he hadn’t done enough. “Please, Robbie, stop this now. Stop blaming yourself; stop being so hard on yourself.” Robbie had to let out a watery laugh at that and Mark smiled a watery smile back at him once he realised why Robbie had laughed.

“I’ll try.” Mark kissed him again gently and lay back down.

“Thank you.” Mark closed his eyes once more. “I’m so tired, Rob.”

“Go back to sleep then, Marky.” Robbie told him rubbing his arm lovingly.

“I’m scared I won’t wake up.” Mark confessed.

“I know, but go to sleep now. You need it.” Robbie told him, scared as well that Mar may not wake up this time.

Mark nodded against Robbie’s chest and Robbie felt Mark’s breathing level out a he started to drift off again. Once he was asleep, he pressed a kiss to Mark’s hair and continued to hold him tightly. He was scared that, if he let go now, so would Mark.

The 13th of February already marked the end of something, but thankfully that something had resurrected itself just shy of ten years later. This time, there was no chance of something like that happening. This time, the end meant the end and it was the worst possible end that anyone could think of.

It had started off like any other day in the last two weeks. The kids were on half term that week and were playing on the Wii in the end room. Emma and Ayda were in the kitchen making cups of tea while Robbie went off to see if Mark was OK. Even though it was Robbie’s birthday, no-one had been in a particularly happy mood. They all knew that the most Mark had left was a week and at that moment it seemed like he wouldn’t make that. Since his conversation with Robbie yesterday, Mark hadn’t said anything at had slept for most of the day.

By mid-afternoon, the rest of the lads had come round to spend Robbie’s birthday with him. But to say that Robbie wasn’t in a birthday mood was an understatement. He mainly spent his time up with Mark, who had still been sleeping. Every now and again, the other three, along with Emma and Ayda, would come up and check on the both of them.

It was now into the evening and Mark was awake, but not saying much. Robbie was still with him, refusing to leave his side. Mark liked the fact that his friend was stubborn, but what he really wanted was for Robbie to go and spend some time with everyone else.

“Robbie,” Mark said quietly. His voice was rusty and he was too tired to say full sentences.

“Yeah?”

“Go down.”

“What?”

“Downstairs. Spend time with the others.” Mark told him.

“I don’t want to leave you.” Robbie told him refusing to move yet again.

“You need to go down; the others need to see you.”

“What about you?” Robbie asked. “I don’t want to leave you on your own and you can’t walk down the stairs.” Robbie said. Mark gave a small, tired smile.

“Carry me down then.” Mark said. “I’d like to see everyone as well.” Mark said. Robbie sat up on the bed and looked at him.

“Are you sure?” Mark nodded. “OK then.” Mark smiled as Robbie got off the bed and moved to the side where Mark lay. “You sure about this?” Robbie asked again before he even attempted to pick up Mark.

Mark nodded and smiled at Robbie. “Yes, I wanna go down, too.” Robbie nodded and carefully scooped the very ill man up in his arms.

“God, Mark, you’re so thin.” Robbie said, realising for the first time just how little Mark had eaten for a while. “You OK?” Mark nodded and rested his heavy head on the top of Robbie’s arm. “OK, come on.” Robbie carried Mark out of the room and down the stairs being careful not to trip.

As they made their way down the stairs, the sound of talking could be heard from the living room. Robbie heard both his and Mark’s names mentioned a number of times and he knew instantly that they were talking about him and Mark. Or more specifically, how he hadn’t left Mark’s side all day. He walked through the door with the very ill-looking Mark still in his arms. Mark was still awake, but only just. He was trying to upmost not to fall asleep before he could to say hello to his friends who had been here for most of the day.

“Someone wanted to come and say hello, too.” Robbie announced as he came into the view with Mark still in his arms.

“Mark,” Emma said as Robbie brought him over to the sofa. Both Emma and Ayda stood up and let Robbie lay Mark down on the sofa. “Rob, why did you bring him down?” Emma asked.

“He wanted me to.” Robbie told her.

“It was the only way he was going to come down.” Mark said from where he lay on the sofa.

“Are you sure coming down was wise, Mark?” Gary asked as he, Jason and Howard walked over to him.

“I wanted to see you as well as get Robbie to come down, so yeah.” Mark said. He rolled over onto his side and closed his eyes.

“Are you all right?” Jason asked him, keeling down in front of the younger man. Mark nodded, opened his eyes for a second and smiled at him.

“I’m all right.” Mark whispered back before closing his eyes and falling back asleep. Jason put a hand on his shoulder and smiled sadly at his friend before standing up with everyone else.

“He’s not all right.” Jason said gravely. He looked over at Robbie who was standing next to Ayda watching Mark with sad eyes.

“He won’t make tomorrow, will he?” Robbie asked briefly looking up at his friends for a second.

“He’ll be lucky if he does.” Jason answered sadly. It was clear that it pained him to say so, but someone had to.

“Poor Mark,” Howard uttered, not knowing what else to say. Robbie held on to Ayda as he tried hard not to cry. Gary had his arm around Emma and was holding her tightly as silent tears fell down her cheeks.

“Maybe it’s best he goes back upstairs.” Gary said quietly. “He’ll be more comfortable.” Robbie nodded and picked Mark up in his arms. The sick man didn’t say anything, nor did he move and Robbie wondered for a split second whether or not Mark was still with them. But he soon realised that Mark was breathing slowly, a clear tell-tale telling them he was still alive.

Emma pushed open the door and Robbie carried Mark inside before laying him back on the bed. Once Robbie had tucked him in, Mark rolled over and curled up. Normally there would be a smile on his face, but this time, there was nothing. Mark’s features stayed neutral and Robbie felt like crying at the sight of his friend fading in front of his eyes.

“I think we should all stay with him.” Robbie said quietly. “Shall we get the kids up here?” He asked.

“Yeah, I’ll go and get them.” Emma said she stroked Mark’s hair once before making her way out of the room and into the room where the kids were still playing, blissfully unaware of just how ill their father now was.

“Rob?” Mark croaked as he opened his eyes. Robbie turned to look at him and bent down in front of him. There were tears in his eyes as he stretched out and stroked Mark’s hair.

“I’m here,” Robbie whispered. “So’s everyone else. Emma’s just gone down to get the kids.”

“Is this it?” Mark asked and no-one knew what to say. “Am I going to die today?” At that, there wasn’t one person in the room who didn’t find themselves wanting to cry. There was realisation in Mark’s voice but also a hint of guilt.

“Sshh, it’s all right.” Robbie whispered trying to stay calm himself. “Are you OK?”

“’M tired.”

At that moment, Emma came back in with the kids in tow. Mark managed to look over at his two children and his wife as they entered the room. The look on Emma’s face made him feel even worse; he couldn’t even bring himself to look at the looks on Elwood and Willow’s faces. He couldn’t bear to see them so upset.

“Daddy?” Elwood asked stepping forward. Mark looked at his son and tried to smile but couldn’t.

“Come here Elwood,” Mark said. “You too, Willow.” The two kids went over to their father and Mark engulfed them into the best hug he could manage. “You two promise to be good?” The two kids nodded with tears in their eyes and Mark, himself, was close to crying now. “Good. Elwood, promise me you’ll look after your sister and mum. You’re the man of the house now.” Mark gave a small smile to his son who nodded with tears running down his face.

“I promise, daddy.” He wrapped an arm around his younger sister who seemed confused by the whole thing but knew that something bad was happening.

“Good boy,” Mark closed his eyes briefly. “What’s the time?” He asked quietly. Jason looked at his watch.

“About eight o’clock.” He replied. Mark just nodded.

“Time for bed.” He breathed with a smile.

“Do you want anything?” Gary asked.

“You all to stay in here the night.” Mark said.

“OK,” Howard said and Mark smiled with his eyes shut. Everyone went out of the room to grab some things to lay on that night. Only Robbie stayed behind and he sat on the edge of Mark’s bed and looked at him.

“Does it hurt?” He asked. Mark opened his eyes and looked at him. He could see the fear and pain in Robbie’s eyes and that made his heart ache.

“What?”

“Dying,” Robbie said. The word sounded foreign to him, he had refused to use it throughout this, but now he knew he could avoid it no longer.

“Not physically.” Mark answered. “But emotionally, it’s ripping me apart.” Robbie nodded and Mark took hold of his hand making Robbie look up at him. “It’s OK, Rob.”

“How? You’re dying!”

“I know, and I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault Mark.”

“What if it is? I remember asking you right at the beginning whether this was karma.” Mark said not looking at Robbie.

“I said I didn’t know.” Robbie remembered being in that hotel room again, holding Mark in his arms. Back then he had tried to be optimistic, believing that Mark would get better. That day seemed so far away now that it was almost as if it had been a fragment of his imagination.

“I didn’t believe you.” Mark said.

“You still don’t, do you?” Mark shook his head. “Mark, whatever you think, this is not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself.” Robbie said, gripping Mark’s hands tightly.

“I won’t if you won’t.”

“What?”

“I won’t think it’s my fault if you don’t think it’s yours.” Mark said. Robbie nodded.

“Deal,” Mark began to drift off again and Robbie felt his hands start to go limp in his. “Mark? Mark stay with me. Please stay with me.” Robbie begged, frightened that he was losing Mark. There was a sudden gentle squeeze on his hands from Mark, telling him that he was still here. “Don’t go, not yet, eh? Stay a little longer, please?” Mark nodded weakly and kept his eyes closed.

Not a moment later, everyone else came back with their things for the night. Gary, Howard and Jason set up camp on the floor of the room, close to Mark’s bed. Ayda had brought in a few things like blankets and pillows for herself and Robbie, who sat on the bed still, holding Mark’s hands, and Emma had brought in the kids’ stuff and helped them set things up the other side of the bed.

Everyone got themselves ready for bed, Robbie never once moving from Mark’s side. He couldn’t bear to let go of him. He only moved away when Emma got into the bed next to Mark. Robbie then stood up and went to where Ayda and set up the pillows and blankets right next to the bed. Both women looked at Robbie before looking at each other.

“Robbie, stay with him.” Emma said. “I don’t mind.” Robbie looked down at Ayda who smiled at him.

“He needs you, Rob.” She said and Robbie smiled at her before turning back to Mark. He sat on the edge of the bed again and held Mark’s hands. Emma sat up and looked at him.

“Robbie, lay down. You can’t stay like that all night.” Emma said with a small smile. She knew how hard this was for Robbie and knew that the one thing he wanted was to hold his best friend through the night. Robbie smiled at her before lying down next to Mark, with one arm around his shoulders, propping his head up ever so slightly.

“Thank you,” Robbie whispered to Emma as she took her of her husband’s hand.

“Ayda’s right, Mark needs you. He always has.”

...

He didn’t know what it was that had awoken him in the early hours of the morning, but that didn’t matter. Robbie awoke to find Mark lying, very nearly, on top of him. Robbie looked down at him and run his hands through Mark’s long hair. He could feel Mark’s slow breathing on top of him and let out a sigh: he was still here. However, Robbie could tell that Mark was now struggling to hold on and it was only a matter of time before he could hold on no longer.

Robbie moved slightly so he could whisper something in Mark’s ear.

“It’s all right, Mark.” Robbie whispered. As he did, Mark stirred and slowly opened his eyes one last time and looked at Robbie.

“Rob?” He whispered.

“Hi,”

“This is it,” Mark struggled to say. Robbie didn’t say anything. “I’m so scared.” Mark managed to get out.

“I know,” Robbie whispered back.

“I don’t want to go.” Mark said.

“Then don’t.” Mark smiled at Robbie but there were tears in both their eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“Please Mark, don’t go.”

“Robbie...” Mark said. He was really struggling now to speak. “I love you, remember that.” He told him.

“Always,” Mark smiled before pressing his lips to Robbie’s and kissing him. Robbie kissed back gently, not wanting this moment to end. Then all of a sudden he felt Mark go limp and his head gently rolled onto Robbie’s shoulder; his eyes closed.

Robbie looked at him, his mouth open slightly with tears rolling down his face freely. He wrapped both arms around Mark’s limp body and held him to him tightly. He buried his face into Mark’s hair as sobs attacked him. Mark was gone; his suffering ceased along with all the life that had once run through him. None of them would ever see the bright smile that had once lit up his face. He was gone and he wasn’t coming back.

...

The day of Mark’s funeral wasn’t the usual rainy or overcast day. It was a bright sunny day and Robbie could only think that it was Mark who was making the sun shine; telling them that he was still with them; that he was never far away. It only seemed fitting that the funeral of a bright and bubbly person would be full of sunlight despite the sadness below.

The service had been difficult. But standing in the graveyard watching Mark’s coffin being lowered into the ground was one of the most difficult things that Robbie had ever had to watch. He wanted nothing more than to stop them from what they were doing and open the coffin and hold Mark, but he couldn’t and the only thing he could do was watch as he best friend was lowered into the darkness of the ground.

As Mark was lowered, the words that were being read out were enough to drive everyone to tears once again. Ayda had hold of Robbie’s hand and kept looking at him every now and again. Next to them, Emma stood with the kids, who were finding this just as difficult. Gary, Dawn and their kids stood, too with Howard and Jason next to them. They, too, were crying and finding it hard to believe that this was really happening.

As each and every one of them made their way to the hole in the ground, where Mark’s coffin now lay, to put down flowers on the lid, the four remaining members of the band shared a look before wrapping their arms around each other and looking down at the coffin that contained their friend before making their way away from the hole and giving each other a tight hug.

Little did they know that not so far away, a figure stood watching them with a sad look on his face. He watched as the group of friends huddled together for the loss of their friend. The figure smiled sadly at the sight before a light shone from behind him and he turned around, facing the light. He knew what it meant: it meant his time was finally up. The figure took one last look at the group of people standing by the grave before walking into the light leaving his old life on Earth behind one final time, ready to start his new eternal life in the sky.

And for the first time in a long time, Mark Owen was finally at peace.  
...

Mark Anthony Patrick Owen  
27.01.1972 - 14.02.2013 (Age 41)  
R.I.P  
A loving husband, friend and father.  
Forever smiling  
Let the sun forever shine in his name

~The End


End file.
